Hello, everyone, and welcome. We have a very special episode today. I asked my team to pull the audio from day three of Marriage Makeover Live, because it’s the day I talked about the power of one person to transform a marriage, in depth. And I want all of you to have the learning from what I taught about the power of one. Marriage Makeover Live is a five day challenge that I recently ran as part of the launch for the next round of the Marriage MBA. And the way that I like to show you that I can help you is by actually helping you — like I try to do every week on the podcast. So this challenge is what I call really beefy. This is not a light appetizer situation. This is a bring on the entree, the main meal, the main course situation.
So in this episode, we’re going to talk about the power of one, we’re going to talk about appreciation for yourself and for your partner. How powerful expressing appreciation, and receiving appreciation from yourself is why it’s so important. And what happens when someone is skeptical when you express appreciation. And I’ll give you an example back from my days in HR. And I answered one of the most common questions I get all the time from women who want to make the relationship better, but they ask themselves, why should they do the work? If you have ever asked yourself that question, listen to this episode all the way to the end. I talk about that in depth. And I really think that my answer will surprise you and give you new things to consider and think about as you think about yourself, your marriage and what you want for your marriage moving forward.
This is an episode that I highly recommend you pull out your notebook to take notes and decide what you will apply immediately once you finish listening, okay? If you feel moved and inspired and you want more marriage goodness, you can go to the show notes and you will find the link to get lifetime access of the replays. That includes the workbook for each day of the challenge that has the homework assignments, reflection questions. I told you guys, this is a main meal situation. If you get the lifetime access, that will include something that’s not available anywhere else right now. It’s one of my favorite things I’ve ever created. It’s called The Marriage Makeover Diary. It is only available right now as part of the lifetime access bundle. It is 30 journal prompts to help you write your way to a better marriage. It’s super simple. If you’ve never journaled before, it’s a great starter way to start journaling. If you love journaling, it’s a great way to focus that journaling energy into your relationship. My clients who have already started using it are raving about it. They have called it gold and I’m so delighted to hear that. Okay, saddle up. Here we go.
Hello, Hello, everyone. Welcome to day three of Marriage Makeover Live. I am your hostess Maggie Reyes — we kinda know each other by now. Today we’re going to talk about the power of one. I just reviewed all my notes. And we’re going to be lit up today. Okay. I always like to preface this, because I think imperfect action is so important. If you’re a recovering perfectionist, as am I, sometimes we stop ourselves from doing things because it’s not, like perfectly done. So I just reviewed all my notes, and I’m gonna consult my notes. And I used to have so much trauma about this. And I’m like, it’s better to be imperfect, and powerful and useful than to be perfect and not do anything. And I think it’s so, so, so important to remember that I want to model that for you right here and now doing this, but to remember that in our marriages. Do the thing, even if it feels wobbly it’s always going to get you farther than not doing the thing and waiting for the perfect time to do it. And I want to hear yeses if you agree with me. Wherever you we’re willing to try, right? Willing to try. Recovering perfectionist takes us a minute. That’s all right. Okay. Brave, Melissa says brave, that’s her word of the year. Yes, my word of the year is bold this year.
So I do this thing called I choose a word of the year instead of having a new year’s resolution. This is kind of off topic, but it’s also on topic because it’s the power of one decision that we can make in our lives. So I pick a word of the year if any of you picks a word of the year, share your word in the comments. I think that’s always fun and useful. Like in the day one, you decide who we wanted to be right? Or what quality we want to embody — loving kindness, powerfulness, whatever that is. It’s like what if we brought brave, or for me, I bring bold today.
Okay, the power of one. We’re also going to talk about gratitude. It’s one of my favorite feelings to experience. It’s one of my favorite principles in life. And it’s really a super, like a fuel food. So imagine in your marriage, if you had lots of gratitude, it’s like, when you see that list of superfoods for your body, like blueberries and all that. Imagine switching over from like Doritos (I love Doritos) to blueberries. Imagine that affecting your body. Imagine that effect in your marriage. Okay, gratitude is so powerful. And we’ve all sort of thought about it in different ways. But I’m going to teach you some of the things, some of the practices that I do and some of the ways I think about gratitude that I think is going to be super, super useful for you. Okay, the power of one. So we’re gonna do the power of one through the lens of gratitude. And one of the things I wanted to ask you, as you look around, wherever you are right now, what is one thing that you’re grateful for in this very moment? Oh see, first, I don’t see all the comments, and then they all pop up at once. Thank you, Facebook for all the comments. Okay, energized, effervescent, these are awesome.
Okay. What is one thing you are grateful for right now? Just connect with gratitude in the moment. And I don’t know if this ever happens to you. But I’m going to tell you something that I do in my own personal life is people will ask me to pray for them. And whenever somebody asks me to pray for them, I do it in that moment. I stop what I’m doing. I don’t make the list for later. Yes. Let us know when affirm that the divine order is now here now manifesting you, whatever it is, I kind of pray in my own wacky way. But it works. So let’s practice gratitude and talk about learning gratitude and cultivating gratitude by actually practicing gratitude. So look around where you are, think about your life in this moment, and put in the comments one thing that you’re grateful for right now. An amazing family. Yes, this live session, I’m grateful for you too. I love spending time with you all. I love getting to talk about these things. I love that this is my job. I’ve had some not so fun jobs before. Okay, I am grateful for modern technology that allows us to come together. I am grateful for markers and pens. This morning, I was writing something I was having breakfast with my husband. And I was like, it’s a good thing that I’m a writer, there’s always a piece of paper and a pencil like at an arm’s length away. There’s always something to write with. And he was so amused so thank you for writing utensils on this lovely morning. Okay, the ocean. The ability to connect throughout the world. Taking a walk while listening to – this is awesome. I’m grateful for that too. Okay, so keep writing at least one thing you’re grateful for. And as you do that, if you remember yesterday, if you haven’t watched yesterday yet go watch it later. But yesterday we talked about how a feeling is a vibration in your body. And let’s just take a moment to notice how gratitude feels in our body, so we can recognize it when it’s there. And for me, it feels expansive, it feels like almost like a warmthness inmy heart, it feels like warm and cozy and good. So once you’ve thought about something, you’re grateful for it, take a moment just right now, notice how that feels in your body. Notice if anything has relaxed, if anything has expanded, if there’s any kind of flutter, anything like that, and just write a word or two of how that vibration feels in your body. Just notice what vibrations feel like in our body. This will help us for all the other ones, but let’s start with a fun one.
Okay, so gratitude. Okay. So I told you I was gonna teach you gratitude a little bit differently than you’ve heard it before. And I’m going to tell you a gratitude story. This is a true story. And some of my friends are here, and they know the story already. I’m going to tell it again. I have this practice at Thanksgiving, I like to write 100 things that I’m grateful for. And I do it on purpose to really activate noticing how rich my life is, even when I’m experiencing challenges. So even when challenging things are going on, if you have to list 100 things you’re grateful for, there comes a moment when you start thinking about things like lipstick, or shoes, or — because the first few things, it’s like I’m healthy, and I love my husband or I love my partner like the first few things like the big things, right, but thing number 96 is like, I’m obsessed with the show 911. So if I was going to do that, that list of 100 right now I’d put 911, there’s four seasons of it, I’m so grateful. Okay. So I do that I do that as a practice, I do it almost every Thanksgiving. And there was a year that I did that list of 100. And then I made a list of 10 things I’m grateful for in advance, I highly encourage you to do this. 10 things I’m grateful for in advance. Today, as I’m telling you the story, think about one thing you want in your life, you know, you want it, you’re super clear, there’s no doubt about it. And be grateful for it right now. And type it in the comments. If you’re feeling brave, you’re not just write it in your notes, but write it down somewhere.
Okay. So this year that I did this, I literally wrote down and I’m gonna read my notes: my beautiful engagement ring. At the time that I wrote this, I had no boyfriend. I was not dating anyone. There was no romance on the horizon. I just wrote things I was grateful for in advance and I put my beautiful engagement ring. And then I think it might have taken a year. But the following year, when I pulled out the journal to do this exercise, it was like, oh, it happened! It might have been a year and a half, I have to look at the dates. But it was so amazing to have the experience of having it written down something I was grateful for in advance, when there was no logical, direct, you know, way that it was going to happen. And then to watch it transpire in my life, and have it happen and have it be something that I’m grateful for in the present instead of in the future. That I think it’s such a great exercise to connect with gratitude, and then connect with what we’re grateful for in advance. So keep it coming. See 911 is the bomb. I love that show. You should all watch it. It’s a little gruesome, because they’re answering emergencies. So this is how I watch the show. I watch it like this, but I love it so much. Watch it anyway. Okay, so um, what are you grateful for in advance — name one thing, put it in your heart, put it in the comments if you want us to surround you in loving, powerful energy around it and we can all put hearts on each other’s things that we’re grateful for in advance and just feel that energy of us all being grateful together. I think that’s so fun. Okay. So I want to tell you that story.
And then now you know, we’re going deep the whole week. This is not surface level stuff. This is where we go all in. Okay. So today in the workbook the assignment in the workbook is to name three things you love about yourself. So we want to practice gratitude for others as we also practice gratitude for ourselves. And when we are recovering perfectionists or type A people, or people who are like super high achieving, and we’re always going to what’s next. One of the patterns I’ve observed in myself and I’ve observed in my clients is very rarely do we pause and appreciate what we have. We’re always thinking about what’s next. So this moment is an invitation to pause and appreciate who we already are, how amazing we already are. All the things that we can love and appreciate about ourselves. So in the comments, write one thing that you love about yourself. If I was typing in the comments, I would type my enthusiasm. I’ll tell a little story about enthusiasm in a minute. But start doing that. And then while you’re doing that, I want you to know about the workbook. So you probably signed up for this challenge and get the emails every day. If you don’t get the emails every day, you want to go to maggiereeyes.com/marriagemakeover to get the emails. In the emails, we put it here, you get a link to this workbook. It’s about 37 pages, it has all the exercises of the homework that you see posted in the group. If you haven’t downloaded it, make sure you download it. When the group closes on Wednesday, you will no longer have access to this workbook unless you buy the bundle. But I want you to have the workbook go download it now, and now if you want the bundle, you can get that too. But make sure you have this Okay. Okay. Oh, I’m so grateful I invested myself through coaching. Yes, this is so awesome. Okay, I love it. Okay, so today’s homework, write one thing you have about yourself. So good. Okay, so download the workbook.
Next, when we have challenges in our relationship, very often, we feel under appreciated. If you have ever felt underappreciated in your marriage, I want you to write under appreciated in the comments so that I know if that’s ever happened to you. It happens very, very commonly, with my clients all the time. And one of the things that I always like to troubleshoot for is: are you appreciating yourself?
Are you valuing yourself? Are you valuing your contribution, and demonstrating to yourself that you value yourself. So if I value someone else, I might express my gratitude, verbally, I might want to tell them, I’m grateful for something they did, or I enjoyed something that they said. Right now, I’m grateful for all of you. And I tell you, these comments are amazing, keep them coming, right. I appreciate and I value you and I express that sometimes it’s verbally, sometimes it’s with a gift. Right? One of my love languages is taking my husband like a little dark chocolate in the middle of day for no reason. And I’m expressing that I value him and that I want to give him something. And I might do it in the form of a gift or just a little happy surprise, right? So many of us overwork, overdo, under appreciate ourselves. And then we get really frustrated with other people under appreciate us. But we always want to look in the mirror first and just check in. Are we appreciating ourselves the way that we would like to be appreciated by another? Are we appreciating ourselves the way we would like to be appreciated by another? So it’s very important. We all know that someone who everybody loves them, maybe everybody thinks they’re beautiful. Okay, think about that. Someone who’s stunningly beautiful. And you go up to her and you say, “Oh my gosh, you’re so beautiful,” right? And when she looks at herself in the mirror, she doesn’t feel beautiful, right? Sometimes we have been that woman, I have been that woman, right? And until I can look at myself in the mirror and say, you look good today, girl. I’m picking up what you’re throwing down, right? Unless I can look in the mirror and say that to myself with love. No amount of 1000 people telling me that is going to make me believe it unless I believe it. No amount of my partner giving me appreciation is going to make me receive it unless I can embody it in my own cells of my body. Right?
And sometimes what happens if you’re feeling underappreciated? Is there are things our partners are doing on our behalf to help our lives easier. And we’re not noticing them, we have no awareness of them because we’re not open to receive them. Okay. Are you following me? Okay? Does this make sense? I wrote in my notes, does this make sense? And Melissa’s here — she’s one of my clients, and she’s always hashtaging me #makessense. So, Melissa, this is for you. This is #makessense. Okay, and if you have questions about this, post your questions, I want to hear them. So when we fully get that nobody can give to us what we do not give ourselves. One thing really super powerful that happens is we free our partner from having to fulfill that need, we can relax and enjoy their company, and have fun with them. So it’s really important to value ourselves first, and I’m going to talk today, at length about going first. But it’s really important to value ourselves first. And expressing gratitude to ourselves first, and expressing it in a way that’s meaningful to us. So the way that’s meaningful to me might not be meaningful to you. Okay? So, and you’ll see how this is related to the power of one because it’s the power of our own selves to make an impact in our own lives, okay?
Now, here’s something really important, taking care of ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. So sometimes we’re tired, and we’re hungry, and we’re cranky, and we cannot be thriving and loving and kind and generous. When we’re overworking, over functioning and exhausted. Sometimes in our zeal to get things done, or have the high sense of urgency that we have — so take a moment and look at that. Tell me if you feel this, I always have a high sense of urgency when something needs to be done. I want to do it now. But that’s not always the best thing to do. I will add one more thing to my list. It’s not the best thing to do. The best thing to do which I coach on all the time is removing something from your list, like we talked about on day one, what needs to be removed, rescheduled, reassigned to make space for the life we want? So notice if you’re having a lot of fights, or arguments or unrest or feeling unsettled in your relationship, just take a step back. And ask yourself simple, simple questions like have I eaten? Have I slept? What happened last night? And I upset about something? Am I stressed about something at work? Sometimes we argue and fight in a relationship, because we’re already on edge. And anything that happens will just pop that edge, right? So we want to take a step back and say, have a rested? Do I need a nap? Do I need a break? Do I need help? That’s very important. And sometimes we argue and fight or have unsettling experiences, because it’s become a habit. And I want you all to know this. I think sometimes we think there’s some deep seated thing going on. And sometimes there is a deep seated thing that we do need to investigate. But sometimes we’ve gotten into the habit of nitpicking a particular thing. And we just need to break the habit. So something to look for, is this just a habit that I need to break? So for example, a habit that I break, often with my coaching clients and students is complaining. Complaining is a habit. We just break it. Now, does it take a few tries and a few different experiments and a few different ways and approaches to break that habit? Yes. But notice that some of these things do require deep introspection. And some of these things just require a pattern interruption. It’s a pattern, it’s not working, we need to interrupt it. And really, this whole week, everything I’m teaching you everyday, it’s really meant to shake you up a little — to shake you in a good way. Let’s do this to shake you up a little, and step out of the drama triangle that we talked about on day one. To help you think about your thinking, like we talked about yesterday. I really think there’s no more powerful thing you can do than think about your thinking. And then today, now that we know the drama triangle, now that we know how to think about our thinking, you know how to take responsibility, right, be an emotional adult.
Now we’re gonna think about how to cultivate and harness some of the things we want the most like practicing gratitude on purpose as an intentional decision. And I also want you to notice, as I was writing up my notes, you already in three days, have so many tools that you can use to make your marriage better, like indefinitely. You know how to step out of the drama triangle into the empowerment triangle. You know, the very basics of the self coaching model, which takes some practice, right, and that’s why I’m kind of compressing everything into these five days. And then a little bit later, I’ll tell you about my six month program. And then we practice everything. We apply mastery to everything. But I just want you to notice if you pick one thing from these five days, and just lean into mastering that one thing, whether it’s I’m a woman who… who you’re being, whether it’s practicing, just considering your thoughts and picking ones that feel better, any one of those things will help you so so, so much.
So we practice gratitude on purpose intentionally as a decision. And when you do that, you do that whether the person deserves it or not, because you don’t do it for that person. You do it for yourself, for who you want to be in the world and for how you want to feel. So our focus is on who you are being, right.? And I am a woman who loves, who forgives, who’s generous, who prioritizes her marriage, or who has sexy times on a regular basis, because she wants to, right? We decide who we want to be and then we add that element to our relationship. Okay, so when you hear me say that you don’t need to wait for your partner to change your relationship. When people say no, it takes two to tango. Here’s what I have to say about that. We all know the person who walks into a room and has like a black cloud following them, they can kill the mood in a minute. We’ve all had at least one co worker, colleague or friend or family member who’s like that. And we all know that person that we cannot wait to see them, because they light us up whenever we spend time with them. And we know then that one person can have a massive impact, right? And when we think about our marriage, I want you to think about how one person can have a massive impact. So one person practicing gratitude, whether the other person is or not, is so powerful, okay? Write powerful in the comments to take that power on for yourself, okay?
So the purpose is because you will feel better, not because they will feel better. When you actively, proactively practice gratitude, it’s because you will feel better, regardless of their reaction. I’m going to talk about their reaction in a minute. But we want to just anchor that. So it’s very important. You get to enjoy your time on earth more. What could be better than that? So I was reading about life expectancy in the United States. And the most recent thing I read is that it was about 78.6 years. So let’s say 80. So it’s a high probability that most of us are going to live until at least 80. Okay, some of us here, we’re in our 40s. I mean, I’m in my 40s. Some of you are in your 30s, 40s, 50s. Think about having 30 years of life, 40 years of life ahead of you, right? What do we want to do with those 40 years? Imagine having 40 years of marriage ahead of you. I always tell my clients, I want to prepare you for today and for those 40 years. That’s how I’m thinking about even everything I’m teaching you this week. Okay? Okay, let’s make that count. Let’s make them awesome, right? So the power of one, the way I like to think about it is I’m going to do my best. I’m going to know I gave it my all. Whatever happens in the relationship because I’m thinking clearly, I’m an emotional adult. And whatever happens, I know I can handle it because even the strongest emotion is just a vibration in my body. Right? Just like we established yesterday. Okay. This is really important. A couple people asked a question about this — yesterday’s exercise was a current thought and then having a better feeling thought. And a couple people said: my better thoughts — either I can’t access it, or it doesn’t feel any better. And I want to address that very specifically. So I want to mention this to make it super, super clear. In the self coaching model, we sometimes do that — unintentional thought, intentional thought — is one of the things we do. And when I think about choosing a better thought, it’s because if we’re suffering, we want to alleviate our own suffering, right? If you’re not suffering, you don’t change that thought. You keep that one and you keep rolling up, okay?
But if there’s something that’s causing us suffering, and we choose a better thought, I don’t want to ever convey that we’re sugarcoating or pretending that something that’s happening isn’t happening, right? Or anything like that. So here’s what I want you to know. The thought that helps you feel better for one person could be: oh, I see all of my partners qualities and values, I’m going to appreciate them today. That’s a better feeling thought for that person. For another person, the better feeling thought could be: I’m ending this relationship. And I feel great about it. And that is their better feeling thought. I am no longer available for this experience. Now that I see it clearly, I’m an emotional adult, I’m not putting the hanging on my happiness on you, I know that I can generate it for myself. And I choose not to have this experience anymore. So the better feeling thought can be any thought that is resonant and meaningful to you. And it’s a thought that helps you bring your power back to yourself. Okay, I want to make that super clear. And if you have any questions on that, I definitely want to hear them. So maybe the better feeling thought is I’m going to fight for this relationship. I’m gonna give it my all, I’m gonna do everything I can. And if I choose to end it, I know I did everything I could. My conscience is clear. I can put my head on that pillow knowing I did everything I could. Right? So the better feeling thought is not about sugarcoating anything or pretending that anything that is distressing is not happening. And I think that’s a very important distinction to make. And I really want to make that clear. So if you have any questions again, ask me, okay?
Okay, so we’re talking about observing your thinking, using the power of one, using gratitude for us to feel better and more powerful, and to contribute to the rocket fuel that is the connection in our relationship. And if there’s a relationship that’s in distress, very often, if you look at the past five days, 10 days, three months, you will find that in a relationship in distress, very little gratitude is being expressed. I have yet to meet a human who is struggling in a relationship that when I asked them, when was the last time they thanked their partner for something, they told me, “Oh, I thanked my partner five times yesterday,” like, I’ve never had that happen so far. So adding gratitude immediately. That’s why we start adding it on day one, even before I’ve explained why you’re doing it, we just start doing it. It is an immensely powerful glue that helps keep your relationship either together or stronger, strengthen it as you go through. Expressing appreciation is one of the Hallmark cornerstones of a relationship that thrives, okay? I just want you to know that.
Now, what is powerful about showing up the way you want to be, because it’s the right thing to do, because it’s aligned with the goal you want to create. So if the goal you want to create is: I want my relationship to thrive. I’m going to show up, like a woman who has a thriving relationship, what would I do? How would I feel? How would I think? What are the things I would stop doing and start doing, if that was what I already had? And one of my favorite examples of this to really show you the difference between showing up for what you want versus not showing up for what you want, is back when I was in HR, I worked in HR for many years before I became a coach. And we would have people who would put in for promotions. Right? And there were always, always two kinds of people who put in for promotions. Every time. I’m going to describe them both to you, you tell me what you think about them. Okay, there was the person who wanted the promotion, knew they deserve the promotion, the promotion should be theirs, felt very entitled to it and felt like they absolutely deserved it. And was absolutely committed to working harder and doing better. And being a more loyal employee. As soon as they got the promotion, then they would do the things, okay. They deserved it now, but they weren’t gonna move the finger about it until they got the promotion. So let’s call that person the entitled person over here. Okay?
Then there was the person who came to work early, left late, or didn’t come to work early and didn’t leave late, but was super efficient in the time that they were at work. They came to work as if they had already gotten the promotion. They suggested ideas, they would look at a process that wasn’t working. They’d say, “hey, maybe it would be better if we did it this way.” They volunteer for projects. They’d helped everyone. When someone was stuck on something and they knew how to solve it, they’d say, “Hey, I just did that in my report last week. Here’s how I did it.” That person, embodying the person they want it to be — entitled and embodied let’s call it that — Okay, which one do you think is going to be promoted more often? The entitled person or the embodied person? You can put it in the comments. How often have you seen those two dynamics go together? Okay. So this is why I invite you to show up just like the promotions and show up for the marriage you want. Just like you show up for the job you want, show up for the marriage. You want to do it now. Don’t wait till you get the promotion. Start now. Okay. Okay, and I want to see, what do you think gets the promotion and I want to see some yeses. And which do you think works better?
So we talked about in the beginning — we talked about gratitude, loving something about ourselves. And I promised you that I would tell you about enthusiasm. Michelle says, I work in HR, and it’s so true. Yeah. Like, listen, there’s not a secret. Do you work in HR, you promote the person that acts like they want the job. You don’t promote the person who feels they’re entitled for the job and doesn’t do anything about it. You promote the person that acts like the job is already theirs? Okay. Good. Um, so, I told you, I tell you the story about enthusiasm and I think it’s so useful and important for you to know. And it’s also just something that lights me up to share. So I love words, you saw yesterday’s training, I looked up the words and we talked about the nuance between the different words. So enthusiasm comes from “entheos” which means “in God.” So whatever your understanding of God is, or the divine or whatever spiritual practice that you have, whenever you’re experiencing enthusiasm, you’re experiencing the presence of the Divine at that moment. And I love that and I imagine and I invite you to think about being enthusiastic or embodying enthusiasm in your relationship with your partner, right? So many times when couples are struggling, there’s not a lot of enthusiasm there. They’re just kind of like we’re trudging along. We’re surviving. We’re making it through the day, there’s that feeling of sort of like you’re, you’re dragging this heavy, heavy, heavy weight kind of feeling, as opposed to we’re here, it’s a new day, that’s amazing, right? So I want you to notice enthusiasm (I just think it’s useful) and to think about how you could apply that to anything. And I always talk to the lens of marriage, but really, marriage is just our most important relationship before anyone, but in any relationship with your boss, with your co workers, with your friends, with your colleagues, with your clients, if you have clients, any relationship you have, imagine dragging a heavy weight and just making it through, versus being enthusiastically welcoming a new day that you get to spend together. Such a difference. So as you can probably tell, I’m that person that when I worked in HR, I would put happy faces on my memos, I would walk into a room excited to be there, I’d walk into the meeting that everybody was dreading and I’d be like, what are we going to do today? What’s going on? And that was an example of the power of one that I want to point out isn’t always comfortable and it isn’t always necessarily fun even though I was having fun.
People would look at me like I was a wacky lady. And I just didn’t care because it would take away from my enjoyment if I wasn’t the way I naturally wanted to be. Right? And my enthusiasm is represented with a lot of energy. Please know this: I’m not inviting you to mimic my energy. I’m inviting you to think about the quality you want to embody and embody that one. So it could be commitment, loyalty, love, it could be gentleness. The energy can be completely different, but it’s the quality you want to embody. So so that want to make this super clear. Let’s see in the comments, the quality you want to embody. Mine is enthusiasm. What is yours? Okay, I see the comments, I want you to know, I will go back and read all the comments, I’m so happy that you are talking to each other and commenting on what we’re doing. I have a lot to cover, you know, keep it beefy. So we’ll make sure we cover that all and then I’ll go back and read them. Okay.
So here’s an example of the power of one at work, right? So I used to do training and training and recruiting. Those are the things I did the most, and I also was that person that when people were having a bad day, they would just come and sit in my office and I would talk them off the ledge, right? That kind of situation. So I was in a lot of stressful situations. So one day I was in an office supply store and I bought the scratch-off sniff stickers. You know, those stickers where you scratch them off, and then it smells like a grape? And it says Great Job. Okay? Think of probably second grade. So I was working with very serious fancy people. And I bought the pack of stickers and I took them to work because they were all too serious. And they would do something good. They would say something good in a meeting, they would say something good, you know, on a project or something like that. And I would say you have earned yourself a sticker. I would pull the stickers very ceremoniously out of my drawer, and I would give the person a sticker. And pretty much everybody thought that I was wacky, which I am. So they were accurate. And in the beginning, I got a lot of skeptical looks from these people that I worked with about these stickers, right? The power of one and action, okay? They would look at me and this is what your partner will do when you show up differently as a result of everything you’re doing this week, your partner will be like, what has come over you? What are you doing? What’s happening? They’ll have that skeptical feel. And what happened in my case with the stickers, I kept giving them out as if this was the biggest prize you can ever earn. Oh, my gosh, you got a sticker today. Then they put it on their lapel, and then they walk around the office wearing the sticker. And then people started saying, where’d you get the sticker? What’d you get the sticker for? What’s going on? Then over a time what ended up happening is people would come to my office and say, “I just did this thing and the meeting I was just in, can I have a sticker?” The power of one! The most ridiculous thing ever, right? And we had so much fun with it. And people would laugh about it. And I remember there was a day that I ran out of the stickers and somebody came to my office and like I’m sorry, I ran out, I have to go buy more and they were sad. There was no scratch and sniff strawberry sticker on that day, right? I really want you to see when I talk about the power of one, it can sound sort of woo woo or it can sound not grounded. And I want this one giving you such an example of in day to day life in actual reality with serious and skeptical people. This is what the power of one looks like in practice. Okay.
I’ll give you one from one of my clients, where one of the concepts I teach is just very, very simple. It’s called having a do over. And it’s literally what it is. It’s kind of, and this happened to me like one day I remember my husband came home and I was really concentrating doing something, and I didn’t really welcome him warmly. And I realized it a few minutes later, and I said, “Hey, you know, this isn’t who I want to be right?” And I said, “Hey, can I welcome you again? Can we just do that over?” And I said, “Welcome home. I’m so happy you’re here,” and I hugged him. It can be that simple. So I teach this to all my clients, like I’m teaching it to you right now. Just there’s never a wrong time for a do over, you can always ask for one, I have a podcast episode on it. If you want to listen to that more just look for my name, if you google Maggie Reyes and do overs it will come up. So I taught this to one of my clients. And she started doing it with her husband? And she said, “Oh, no, I think I want a do over.” And she started doing it a few times, and probably maybe three or four months into our work together. Something happened and her husband said, “Can we do that redo thing that you do?” Think like he’s asking for the sticker? Right? It seemed this whole time that he wasn’t paying attention and then nothing was going on? And when in fact, right? He was seeing what was going on. And then he said “Can we do that redo thing you do?” That’s how the power of one works! Now, very important, okay, I wrote in my notes, be the person who gives us stickers. Okay, let them roll their eyes at you and then let them come and say, “Hey, can I have one, too?” That’s what used to happen.
Okay, before I go on, but in the email from today, if you’re getting the emails for the challenge, I tell the story, but I want to really tell it briefly because it just so happens that Mary, the Mary that I talked about in the story is here on this live right now, and can attest to the truth of this. So before I was a coach, I was a best friend. And my friend Mary called me one day and was upset about something happening in her relationship. And I asked her well, when was the last time she thanked her husband for something and I have her permission to tell the story. So I want you all to know that I’m telling it with her permission. She said why should I thank him for something he’s supposed to be doing in the first place? And I said, well, it’s just useful. It’s a good thing. Remember, I wasn’t a coach. So now I can tell you some of the science and the research and why it’s rocket fuel and how it’s a sign of thriving couples. Back then, it was just my intuition. I was like, it’s just useful. Maybe you try it. So I asked her, maybe you try it. And you see, just thank him for something for a week, see what happens. And she did. And but you know, it took a little convincing, right? As besties can do. So she did. And then she called me, I don’t know, two or three weeks later, and she said, you’re never gonna believe what just happened. And Mary can correct me if I’m telling you incorrectly, but this is kind of the summary. She said, you’re never gonna believe what just happened. My husband stopped on his way home from work. He stopped at Starbucks, and he bought me my favorite coffee. And he has not done that in five years. He bought me my favorite coffee. And I said, wow, that sounds really cool. You know, what happened? Now I had forgotten at this time about this conversation, so I was just like, what happened? Tell me more! And she said, well, you know, you told me to start thanking him and I started thanking him. And it actually felt really nice. And then he really liked it. And then he started thanking me for things. And he hadn’t thanked me for anything in a long time. And he started thanking me for things and he thought I might like that coffee. So on the way home, he stopped and he got it for me to thank me for all the things. And honestly, that is one of my most, most favorite stories of the power of one. They weren’t thanking each other at all, she just started doing it because her friend told her it might be a good idea, but who she wanted to be in the world, right? She wanted to be a woman who tried, who said, okay, I don’t like how things are going right now in relationship. Let’s make it a little better. Right? So she started doing it. And then the doing it was its own reward. The doing it felt good to her no matter how he received it. But because there was a foundation of love in that relationship. He received a very powerfully, okay, just wanted to see that. So that’s the story. The summary is in the emails, and it’s in the workbook that I invite you to download.
Okay. So the next thing, the next homework in the workbook is how will you express appreciation to yourself today, so not necessarily today, but this week? So I’m going to ask you to post in the comments: what is one small, simple way that would be meaningful to you, that you can express appreciation to yourself, for being who you are, for everything you do for everyone, for the thing you’re most proud of? Right? What’s one small simple thing that you can do, right? For me, sometimes I’ve bought myself a lipstick, sometimes I have set a goal for something and then when I reached the goal, I get a special treat. Right? Very recently, I had the honor of being on one of CNN’s lists for my book. The Questions for Couples Journal was recommended as a Valentine’s Day, like on a Valentine’s recommendation list, and I freaked out, I was so happy and so grateful to be on that list. And I thought you know what? I think I’m gonna send myself some flowers. And I sent myself some flowers. I printed the little card I wrote myself so I could remember to tell you the story. I said congratulations on being featured on CNN. I sent flower to myself. Okay, so I sent myself flowers, an extra piece of chocolate. Yeah. So write in the comments. One small, simple thing that doesn’t feel hard, that’s not going to take a huge production. Yeah, a fancy coffee, a piece of chocolate. Yeah, keep them coming. Keep them coming. So that we can practice expressing appreciation towards ourselves. And when we’re like filled up with our own appreciation, how our partners express appreciation becomes less important. And if you remember yesterday, we can be in a state of desire and that dependency. We can desire and enjoy their appreciation when they give it to us, but we don’t depend on it for our happiness. Okay. I bought myself some white roses, at Target of all places. Yes. Anywhere is a good place to be kind to yourself. Okay. So that was one of the ones that I did. And this is what I’m going to show you with that. I want to show you the power of one to ourselves how we can make a difference in our own lives. You can do that. Right? Trader Joe’s Valentine’s Day flowers. Yes, I love it. Flowers, chocolate, fancy coffee, okay.
Power of One is not in sweeping gestures. The Power of One is in small moments every day. This is also really important. A lot of us hold ourselves back from improving our relationships. Because we think it has to be some huge thing that we do, as opposed to just saying thank you one day in the middle of breakfast, thank you for moving my car because it was cold or whatever. Right? So the power of one — remember the stickers, it was a scratch and sniff sticker that cost like $2. And it had such a huge impact. So I really invite you to see how small tweaks you make little by little also lead to quantum leaps. Sometimes you can’t imagine how good your marriage could get. My friend Mary, when I told that story, she couldn’t imagine or would it ever crossed her mind that her husband on the way home from work would stop and get her her favorite coffee just because for no reason. It’s not even something she could visualize in that moment. That’s what a quantum leap looks like. And we think we get there with big gestures. But it’s really small tweaks. So if you’re committed to making small tweaks, put small tweaks in the comments, just an anchor for your brain to see, take the pressure off having to do any huge thing. We already do enough big things. Right? Hashtag small tweaks, hashtag little things very important. Yeah. And then what happens when you have those small tweaks? Is you look back at your relationship a month ago, five months ago, you know, a year ago, and you say, how could this be possible that we just did this? How did this just happen? It’s because of the small tweaks every day. It wasn’t because of a big gesture. Okay.
So here’s another thing. Remember, earlier, I mentioned about pattern interrupts, sometimes there’s a deep seated thing. And sometimes we just have to interrupt the pattern. So I wrote in my notes, this thing that happened with a client, and she wrote to me one night at 11:38 at night, I wrote in my notes so I wouldn’t forget. And she had a lot of arguments back then, with her husband and we had just coached that day. And she said, you know what, I looked at him. And instead of replying with the argument she was about to start, she kissed him instead. So she wrote to me to tell me, instead of starting an argument, I decided to kiss him instead. And when she kissed her husband, she told me that they ended up having a great night together and just enjoyed each other’s company. And I thought, that is such a great illustration of the simplicity of just a small moment. And one of the things I’m always repeating is: the fight you don’t start, is the fight you don’t need to recover from when you’re not recovering from arguments all the time, you have so much more space to cultivate connection in your relationship.
Okay. So that really is the power of one. But I have two things to talk to you about that I want to show you on the board, again, to anchor this. So one of the things we’ve seen in research, is when we have a goal, we are exponentially more likely to reach the goal by doing two things. One is by writing it down, which one of the reasons I have you put things in the comments is so you start writing things down that you want to create in your life? Yeah, okay. And the second thing is, so it makes it exponentially more likely that you’re gonna reach a goal when one, you write it down, and two, when you anticipate the obstacle that could get in the way between you and the goal. So I know that one of the things that gets in the way, between you and the goal of a better marriage is when you have the question, why should I do all the work? I know for a fact at least one of you watching right now has asked that question, why should it be me? Why should I do this? Right? And here’s what I want you to know about that. Because I’ve thought about it. Very many of my clients come to me and they’ll ask me that. We’ll be working in their marriage and they’ll ask me, why should I do all the work? And here’s the thing, one you’re not actually going to do all the work, and I’ll tell you why in a minute. But the first thing is, because to your partner, life is good. I would bet money that most of you if I talked to your partners and I asked them how they’re doing, they’d say, I won the lottery. I can’t believe this person agreed to be with me. I am so lucky. I am so blessed. They like how things are going, okay? So you’re the person who doesn’t like how things are going, which means you’re the one who goes first. And that’s the second thing I want you to know. You go first, you don’t actually end up doing everything. You just take what I call emotional leadership of the relationship. So a leader, think about a team at work or a sports team, any kind of team you’ve ever been on. The leader goes first, and then the team follows, right? In your marriage team, you go first. And then your partner follows. So what happens is: your partner responds, in the story that I told about Mary, her partner responded by starting thanking her as well, by doing little things for her, like she would do little things for him. And in a relationship where there’s a foundation of love to build on, that is what very often in a highly predictable manner occurs, okay. In a relationship where that foundation of love isn’t what maybe we thought that it was, here’s how I like to describe it, you either get closer or you get clear. So if your partner doesn’t respond, right, you bring the stickers, and they don’t want one like, they don’t want my sticker. That is data you want to have. You go first, you show up to the marriage you want. And then you see what happens. And I’ll tell you this actually happened to me in my career, I was working in one company, I went first, I showed up for the job that I wanted. And I came to the conclusion that I was never going to get promoted in that company. And that was good. That was data I wanted to have. I could have spent 10 more years there. Right? Thinking, oh, if I do this, if I do that, and I realized, there’s nothing that’s ever gonna happen for me in this situation. And what I did was I went and I got a job at another company. And within a year of working there, I got promoted. Because I showed up for the job I wanted. Wherever I was. Okay. So I want to make that clear. Right? Oh, someone said a therapist said those exact words, I have to be the emotional leader. Yes.
So what happens with a leader and the way we get tripped up in our brain is we think I am doing all the work, all the work is we get tripped up, no, you’re just doing the work first, and the person either meets you or doesn’t. And if they meet you, you get closer. And they don’t you get clear. For whatever reason, they’re not available to meet you where you want to be met. And then you can make a grounded, loving decision about what you want in your life. And sometimes, to give you an example, the decision is what is the marriage I could have with this person? And do I want that one? And sometimes the decision is I have seen now, the marriage that I could have with this person, and its maximum self expression to the best that it can be with this partner. And that is not what I want. And I being a marriage advocate being a person who’s all about thriving, I want to take a standard here now that sometimes the best outcome for a relationship is for it to end. For it to end from a place of grounded, centered love. Not from a place of anger and resentment, and disappointment, which is why we work on your mindset first, we clear up your side of the table, we see everything that needs to be seen. And then you decide, okay, that is amazing. And closer….Yes. Okay, good. Okay, next. Today was beefy!
So this completes the teaching for today. The next thing I’m going to do is just talk to you about Marriage MBA. I know some of you really want to know all the details. So if you really want to know all about it, I’m going to tell you all about it. But if you’re here, just for the teaching, you can depart and I will love you the same, but you have to come back tomorrow. Okay. Okay, so one of my mentors says, when I’m teaching, I’m teaching and when I’m selling and selling, and I love that so so much. So I want to model that for you. Okay, so why am I compressing everything so much? Right? These are such beefy modules. So it’s beefy live streams, because I only have you for five days. And I want you to know, all the basics that if you just did the things we’re talking about this week, your life and your marriage would for sure get better. But we have like one day to talk about gratitude, or one day talk about the self coaching model. And the Marriage MBA, we talk about these things for six months. You practice, you anchor them, you fall down, you get back up again. Right? You have a moment of celebration, you have a moment of frustration. So what we do in the Marriage MBA, first of all, is just like this, we meet on zoom, I’ll teach a concept, only one, one per week, not all these. And then we coach, we teach, we coach, we talk, we learn, we practice, okay? Enrollment is open if you’re watching this in February of 2021, somebody might watch this video at some other point in history. You can still go to my website and see whatever is happening at that moment in history. But today, enrollment is open. And you can find all the details at MaggieReyes.com/group there’s a link, you can press on to book a consultation, you and I will have a personal conversation, you will tell me your goals for your relationship. We’ll talk about the program, we’ll talk about what to expect. And then if it’s a great fit, you get enrolled. And if it’s not a great fit, we’ll talk about that too.
There is an email that says, I think it says have a party. Because I feel like it’s a party, and you’re all invited. So you can write this, you can text this on your computer, or you can click the link on your email. Oh, good question. Is the program only for women? Yes, it’s just the energy of the program is just like this group. You become the emotional leader, you go and practice all the things, you take that into your relationship, you can always share anything that you learn here or there with your partner, as an invitation. Remember, we talked about requests versus demands as a request, not a demand. But it is meant to be for women only. There will be no men identifying people in the group.
So what is it? It’s six months of weekly teaching and coaching. There’s a private Facebook group for coaching support, where you post like we talked about yesterday, having a thought download and questioning your thinking and having an intentional thought and intentional model, you post whatever you’re working on. And I ask you coaching questions, and I coach you on it. So there’s verbal face to face coaching on zoom, and there’s written coaching in the group. And there’s something I love so much, I have compiled my favorite books. Obviously, I read a lot about this topic, so that I can teach you all the things that I teach you. But I’ve compiled what I call my essentials, that in order to have a thriving relationship, I think if you read these four essentials, you are golden. So I’ve compiled those as well as additional resources, for troubleshooting very specific things, and your relationship, so you get my essentials reading list. And my goal of the program, just like my goal for everything that I teach and this week, is for it to be simple and doable. I have a lot going on, I know you have a lot going on. So it’s one hour a week that you commit to in the group. And then it’s at your leisure, the written coaching, it’s probably maybe 15 minutes a day, some days it might be 30 minutes if you have a lot to have in your brain. But it’s really meant to be something very simple and doable that you can integrate into your daily life. Okay. So if you have questions about marriage MBA, post them in the group, I’ll be happy to answer them. If you know you want to book your consultation already, go to MaggieReyes.com/group, and enrollment is open.
And thank you so much for being here. Now we’re going to start the wrap up. Always I want to hear your favorite takeaway from today. So write that in the comments. And I will see you tomorrow for day four. We’re gonna stay in this, this is not an appetizer situation. This is a full main course situation. So I will see you tomorrow. And just a reminder that Monday is the last day of the challenge. That day, our live will be at 1pm eastern. You’ll get the email reminders, but just a reminder now that it’ll be at 1pm eastern. The group will be open until Wednesday. Okay, so I want you all to know, if you missed a day, go watch it. If you want the lifetime access bundle, there’s a post in the group about that so you can rewatch the videos and take more notes. So I think those are all the important announcements and if you’re watching on replay, I didn’t say hi to the replayers. Hi replayers! Thank you for being here. And put hashtag replay and tell me your favorite takeaway from today. Okay, bye.