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Maggie Reyes:
Hello, everyone welcome back to the podcast. We are in part two of 10 Lessons Learned from Being Married for 15 Years with my very special guest the love of my life and my favorite person Mr. Mariano Reyes. Welcome to the show.
Mariano:
Thank you. Happy to be here.
Maggie Reyes:
He is a man of few words as you can can tell. But they’re powerful words, they’re just fewer. Okay, so we’re just going to go ahead and dive in. I’m so excited to share these other five lessons learned or things that we practice.
I don’t know if they’re lessons that we learned or observations that we’ve had about why we get along so well and really I feel like we’re thriving and I think you would agree.
Mariano:
Yes.
Maggie Reyes:
Yes. Okay. So number six is visiting each other’s world but not living in it. I grew up in Cuban American culture where the cultural narrative was you do things you don’t want to do because your partner wants to do them or because of some family obligation.
Or also within Catholicism and the culture of Catholicism that I grew up in there was a lot of guilt and obligation were the rocket fuel that fueled everything. So you did things out of guilt and obligation but not because you actually wanted to do them and then you’d be in each other’s world.
So I remember one of my friends going to a football game but she didn’t like football, but that thing was like three hours and she just went. Because the culture narrative said, you must be attached to the hip with your partner, everything they do you have to do and vice versa and that just didn’t seem like a model of relationship that I really wanted to aspire to or that I wanted to continue to reenact and contribute to.
So in our marriage culture and our relationship culture we visit each other’s world but we don’t necessarily live in it. So what I mean by that is for example, my husband is a gamer and I’ve talked about that on the show other times.
Where he’ll play a game like Uncharted and then that has little movie scenes and he’ll invite me to watch the little movie scenes and we’ll have a little chat or a little laugh about whatever’s happening on the movie part of the game.
But the game can be five hours, six hours it can be this long thing. I’m not there for that part. I’m there for the five minutes that are interesting to me. Right? He’s laughing now.
Mariano:
Well the fact that you call a game five hours being long it shows you’re not a gamer.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay, tell us what that means? For all the non-gamers who are listening educate us all because I don’t know.
Mariano:
I mean that game, it was probably at least 20 hours and there could be ones that run for a 100.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay. So now there you go. But you’ll play it in a few hours at a time.
Mariano:
Yeah.
Maggie Reyes:
I’m not there for all that time and the same… Right before the pandemic Oprah went on tour and came to South Florida and I asked my husband if he would come with me and he said yes. He brought his tablet and I very vividly remember when Oprah was on the stage he was listening and it was very interesting what she was sharing.
But then someone else came to give a talk that he had zero interest in it whatsoever and he just opened his phone or his tablet and he just was reading. Right? So he was able to participate in something that was meaningful to me but he didn’t have to just be in depth in something that he really wasn’t interested in.
So that’s what I mean by visiting each other’s world but not living in it. What would you want to share about that?
Mariano:
Yeah. I mean, right now obviously you’re really into Bridgerton and it’s fun watching funny Bridgerton videos on YouTube together or you’d share me some story that you read from-
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah.
Mariano:
Bridgerton fan page that you’re into whatever or even things that I might be sure that I might read even. But I don’t have to watch every single episode and do a re watch multiple times of the same season, whatever.
Same thing, I could tell you about some game I’m excited about and show you a trailer about it. But I don’t expect you to sit there for however number of hours while I’m playing it either or having to play it with me. If it’s something that you don’t want to play.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. We don’t really do anything fueled by obligation in our relationship. But we do things that are fueled by desire or by devotion. It doesn’t mean we never do things that aren’t the most fun ever. We still do things like you said in the last episode, because adulting is a thing we do but never fueled by obligation.
One of the episodes I have on Advanced Emotional Weightloss I talk about finding the place in your heart where it’s true. Where you do things without pretending. You find the place in your heart where you do want to do the thing or you speak from your highest truth and you just don’t do the thing and I think that’s something that we don’t fight about or we don’t have big arguments about that kind of stuff.
Because both of us are very clear that we’ll do something when it comes from a loving place in our heart. But we don’t have the expectation that either of us is going to do something from a place of obligation.
Mariano:
Totally.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. Is there anything you want to add about that?
Mariano:
Nope, you got it.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay. Number seven, prioritizing each other’s priorities.
Mariano:
Yes.
Maggie Reyes:
Tell us hubby, what are your thoughts about that?
Mariano:
Yeah. Obviously, I mean we love each other, we love doing a lot of things together. But we are different people with different interests, different energy levels, attitudes for different things. The complication need to just… We call it nesting, right? Just rest.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. Yes.
Mariano:
Like cocoon and rest and whereas I enjoy that also but in moderations, I also need to go out and have adventures and be outdoors and do things. Especially if there’s somewhere where you could be in nature and do those kind of outdoor adventures.
We always make it a priority that each person gets what they need. If you need time or you need time to visit your friends and I’ll just hang out and play my video games. But yeah, we just try to prioritize each other’s priorities.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. I think that, that’s something that’s so important and that we lose sight of sometimes in life and I remember a few years ago we went to a workshop with one of our favorite people Daniel Nahmod. Shout out to Daniel Nahmod he is a new age singer, songwriter and I love all his music.
We will link to his website in the show notes so you can check him out. We did this workshop that he did where it was very impactful for me because one of the things that came out of that was we had been in a very busy season in our life at that point and you really hadn’t had time to play your video games-
Mariano:
Right.
Maggie Reyes:
Really regularly for like a long while and I know that it’s something that fuels your creativity, it helps you relax. I know that. So my husband plays strategy games. He’s here so he could explain what he plays, but many of the things that he does they have different functions for him.
So sometimes it helps him relax, sometimes it helps him release aggression. Sometimes it helps him… It’s just fun, right? Sometimes it just helps him have fun and we hadn’t really looked at prioritizing when on the schedule would we make sure that there was time carved out for you to be able to go do that.
I know for example for me it could be talking with my friends. I had been through a season where I wasn’t reading fiction anymore, I was always reading for work and reading for either personal growth of my own personal growth or relationship books.
All these things I’m quoting all the time or I was reading work related things and feeding that part of us that is the creativity that is the playfulness that is whatever sort of cause to our heart.
We had that moment where we weren’t doing it and that was such a pivotal experience to be at that workshop and to say, okay we’re prioritizing this from now on and we really… I think that was already maybe three or four years ago and I think we’ve done a pretty good job of staying the course with that. What do you think?
Mariano:
Definitely. I think so. Yeah, that was a good wake up call.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah and something that comes up a lot in Coaching is… This came up recently so I’m going to share this example. As I often talk about how we live in a patriarchal society, like a white supremacist patriarchal society.
Where women have one set of thoughts and feelings and men have another set of thoughts and feelings and sometimes a man will go and do something and not think twice about going and doing the thing. A hobby, something he likes, a sport whatever and a woman will have to run through 10 different checklists in her brain to see when she will do that thing and sometimes what I see in my Coaching practice because I work with women.
Is I see women that resent their partners for going out and doing something they just want to do and what I want to say about that is, it’s important for you who’s listening to me right now to prioritize your own priorities. We do it with each other, for each other but we also do it for ourselves. I’ll say this is important to me, how do we work it into the schedule?
So we have to prioritize our own priorities first before we can do it with each other and for each other and if that feels difficult and challenging or impossible. Because I know somebody’s going to be hearing my voice and say, listen lady you don’t know what I have on my plate.
What I want you to know is if you want your marriage to thrive, whatever nourishes your heart, whatever nourishes your soul we have to find it and we have to make time and space for it and we have to get creative if we need to get creative for you to be able to do that.
So we’ll link in the show notes to the episode on self trust where I walk through some of these cultural narratives and how we need to trust ourselves that if we need something it’s important we do have to prioritize it. So I just wanted to mention that as we talk about this topic.
For us the way we manage it is really working well for us but a lot of times what I see is when it’s not well managed and I wanted to speak to that a little bit. Okay. You ready for number eight?
Mariano:
Ready, let’s do it.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay. Number eight is prioritizing time together. I’m just going to say one thing about it and then I want to hear everything you think about it. Which is whenever I talk to someone who is suffering the relationship when it’s not optimal, when they’re coming to Life Coach for help.
One of the patterns I have seen incessantly almost every time is I will ask the person how much time do you spend with your partner? That’s not either doing chores, maintenance or child related. Time you’re actually spending with your partner and almost always the answer is, I don’t remember the last time we did something together or never or almost never. So prioritizing time together is really, really important. Time together that isn’t maintenance or problem solving. Right?
Mariano:
Yes.
Maggie Reyes:
So tell me your thoughts about prioritizing time together.
Mariano:
Yeah, I do think it’s very easy to… I play video games. I could come home and a play video game for six hours straight and don’t talk to you. That would be insane but I could do it and I think there are gamers who give gamers a bad name. Right?
Because they do that or people who spend the entire weekend watching football games and never hang out with their spouse. So yeah, I think you have to be conscious and find a balance. Obviously you have to feed your… Like we were just talking about feeding your priorities. But if one of your priorities is not your relationship you have to question should you really be in it?
So yeah, we prioritize and make sure you have time to go for a walk together or watch our favorite show together or just sit and chat. But it has to be conscious, you have to… Let’s say the weekend I have all these hours and there’s things I had to do, there are chores and things.
But also actively plan for, okay when are we going to spend some time together? What are we going to do? Are we going to go date? That’s time together, if you don’t prioritize it doesn’t happen.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. As we talked about in the previous episode, we’ll make the groceries fun. It doesn’t have to be an organized date that is also very prescribed and anything like that. It’s just time together that you are enjoying and savoring each other’s company.
Mariano:
Yes.
Maggie Reyes:
Right? Then protecting that time and prioritizing that if something comes through your way this commitment is a commitment that you’re going to follow through on. Or prioritize scheduling and rescheduling and then it’s an act of choice that you’re making and one of the things about prioritizing time together that I also want to mention is sometimes we go on family vacations.
Or we do things with other people, with friends and stuff like that and even when we go on trips we like to have alone time together. So we prioritize that even in those contexts, right? We’re like, okay so which part of the thing. We’re going to go for a walk by ourselves or we’re going to go pick up lunch and we’re going to do that by ourselves. Really those little pockets and moments of time that we’re just cultivating connection with each other.
Mariano:
Yes.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay. Number nine. Okay. Supporting each other without judgment. I think this a big one. So I want to hear what you have to say about it and then I’ll chime in.
Mariano:
Yeah. I mean, obviously we all make goals for ourselves and sometimes for whatever reason not able to achieve those goals or we need a break and yeah. We set eating plans, exercise plans, money goals for your business or your spouse does and I think it’s very important to support them if whatever they want to achieve and be there for them.
But if for some reason they’re not able to achieve it or they’re taking a month off of exercising or whatever you don’t go around judging them. Oh, but you said you’re going to do this and now you’re not doing it and be naggy and unpleasant. I mean, that’s that person’s journey and if they have to do something different then it’s fine.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah, something that I’ve noticed and the way I’m going to describe it is we both treat each other as if we’re adults.
Mariano:
Yes.
Maggie Reyes:
So I’ve been on an eating journey where I’m really learning to eat in a way that feels nourishing to me. But that includes things that I love and it’s been sort of an adventure like all things on life are and let’s say that I’ll have a piece of cake or something.
You don’t come to me and are measuring the centimeters or the ounces of the cake or whatever. You’re just like, oh is it something different now? You might come at it with curiosity and be like, oh are you in a different phase of what you’re doing now or something like that.
But we treat each other as if we’re adults and that we’re making our own choices and that we don’t have to edit, comment or criticize each other’s choices and in that way we practice also acceptance. We practice just being there for the other person without judging what they’re doing. So what we’re noticing in our 15 years of being married this is something we do all the time that really works for us. Right?
So later then I come in as a Life Coach say, no complaining, no defending. Right? Emotional Weightloss which we’ll link to that in the show notes. Right? On the Emotional Weightloss episode. I say no complaining. Whenever you have a complaint or criticism, what is the request that’s embedded in the thing that you would want to complain about?
Look for the request that’s embedded, that’s hidden underneath that. Right? There is a place for requests in a relationship, right? But so often we just do this… I think we do it naturally but I like to study it and then see, why does that work so well. So one of the things that happens when we treat each other as if we’re adults, which we both are. But is all the fights that we don’t have and then we don’t start.
Mariano:
Right.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. So supporting each other without judgment. Just with love. Okay, you ready for number 10?
Mariano:
Yes.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay, we plan adventures ahead of time and we do it together. So we really milk the emotion of anticipation I think very well and we’ve done it for many years in different ways where we’ll plan something and then we’ll look forward to it and then we’ll also really leverage working as a team to plan the thing and to work on the thing. So tell us about what you want to share about that.
Mariano:
Well for one thing we both enjoy that, the anticipation, looking forward to whatever it is that we plan, a vacation what have you. So that’s number one. Number two is, yeah we feed off each other, we discuss, we share, “Hey, look I found this really cool place.” Well then you found some other place that has that and more.
Or we divide and conquer it’s like, okay you get the flight I’ll get the rental car and we’re both heavily invested in the process. It’s not one spouse plans all the vacations or whatever. We do it together and it makes something that we both enjoy that we both create together and we have a lot of fun doing it and then we have that thing to look forward to that we both created together.
Maggie Reyes:
One thing I want to say is I have a high tolerance to repetition and my husband loves all kinds of new things, new experiences. So we are very different. This is another example of like we are not the same in this.
Mariano:
Right.
Maggie Reyes:
We try to honor what each other likes. So we might go to the same place. We like to rent these cabins in Georgia that we like renting but then we’ll rent a different one. Right? Some of the things are similar and some of the things are different. I’ll stay and read a romance novel or something in the cabin and hear the birds chirping and be very happy and the hubby will go rafting. Right?
Mariano:
Yes.
Maggie Reyes:
And do something different. So honoring our differences is baked into the things that we plan and the things that we do and I think that’s really important.
Mariano:
Yeah.
Maggie Reyes:
One thing I want to mention, we did it right before COVID and we haven’t quite started doing it again yet but it was so useful I think. Is we noticed one year… It must have been maybe 2019 because it was right before COVID hit. We noticed that we were just going to dinner and the movies all the time and we enjoy that so it wasn’t a bad thing.
But we said, hey let’s do something different and we got our laptops and we started looking at what was happening in the world. Not the whole world but what was happening in South Florida or close by and then we bought tickets to a musical, bought tickets to an exhibition that had this lights fixtures and things.
Mariano:
Right.
Maggie Reyes:
We looked at all the different things that were going on near us and I think we got six or seven different things that we then put in our calendar and then we’re looking forward to. It also created this whole new set of things to experience together and to look forward together and I think we did it in one afternoon. It was pretty straightforward and simple but that was something that is an example of we prioritized doing new things together and then we found a really simple way to execute that.
Mariano:
Yes. There’s nothing else to say.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay and one thing I want to mention and I think it goes without saying. But if this is the first time you’ve ever listened to the podcast, welcome, hi, we’re happy you’re here. But all of these examples are examples of things that work for us, it doesn’t mean go and do these same things.
If there’s anything that works for us that you think could work for you absolutely go and do it. But it’s more for you to see there’s a variety of things that work, which one of these things could you play with. Could you engage with that could help you just enjoy your relationship 1% more, 10% more, 50% more.
Right? I always want to make sure that when I’m sharing something like this it’s not really from a place of being prescriptive like and do it this way. It’s more like, hey we find that planning things together and not having one person do all the things feels better to us because it feels more like teamwork. If in your relationship one of you loves planning things then go with that, right?
By the way my husband makes spreadsheets when we travel and is like our travel concierge and it’s phenomenal and I don’t touch those at all. I do other pieces of the puzzle. Okay, good. Anything else before we wrap up?
Mariano:
Nope. That’s it.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay, so my final two questions. First question is, so we’ve been together 15 years. What is one thing… If someone right now isn’t feeling amazing in the relationship. What is one thing that you would want them to know or to try? One message that you have for them of what helps you thrive.
Mariano:
What helps me thrive?
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah.
Mariano:
I mean, I guess the fact that you get to create every day. So yeah, you maybe had a bad day well start over and start again but what helps me thrive might not be what helps that person thrive. But that’s what comes to mind.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah, but I love that idea. You had a bad day yesterday or a bad year or a bad month.
Mariano:
Yeah.
Maggie Reyes:
Today is a new day. So today we start fresh.
Mariano:
Yeah. I mean, I have do that. When I fall off the horse too in exercising or whatever it’s like, okay well then next week I will start again to get into my exercise routine and get healthy. So you can always start again. You can always choose-
Maggie Reyes:
I love that. So I have an episode called Fresh Start & Do Overs. We will link to that in the show notes if you want to do a deep dive into that. I always have a resource for you. Okay.
So I’d like to wrap up my interviews take questions from The Questions for Couple’s Journal and this is when I did pick it ahead of time. The hubby knows, I’m going to ask him this but I thought it would be super fun to hear his answer. What is something you loved about your partner when you met that you love even more now?
Mariano:
Definitely your enthusiasm, as we have established when we met you bounce in your chair that you denied it for a few years. But yeah, you come at life with so much energy and enthusiasm and that is very attractive. I love that.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay everyone, I’m totally blushing. I’m just smiling from ear to ear. So I will also answer the question. So something that really stood out to me about… I’m going to say two things. About my husband is, he’s very kind.
I think you can hear that in his interviews and how we talk to each other and that really just touched my heart very deeply. He’s just a person who really cares. If it’s at work, it’s about his team or about his family or about me.
He’s just a very kind human and that means even more to me now and we have a joke that when we first met I told him there’s nothing sexier than a reliable man and he is a very reliable person. Even for the podcast he put it on his calendar. He said, “Hey, remember we’re recording that today.”
Once he commits to something he is all in to follow through on that commitment and he calls himself a completionist which I think is so cute. After 15 years together that just means even more to me now than when we first started dating so thank you.
Mariano:
You’re welcome.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay, everyone thank you for joining us. I would love to hear your favorite takeaway, tag me @themaggiereyes on Instagram and I just send you all the biggest hug. Bye.
Mariano:
Bye.