EPISODE #135 -A Relationship Coach for Wildly Delightful Relationships
As a relationship coach, this is a really fun conversation to share with you. I’m joined by Kori Linn, fellow life coach, former 1:1 private coaching client and student of The Marriage MBA. I love how much we have in common and think you’ll enjoy the topics we cover together.
You’ll notice that Kori discusses themes similar to what I teach on The Marriage Life Coach Podcast. That’s not only because mindset principles are universal, but because we were in the same cohort for getting certified in advanced feminist coaching training – which was a life-changing experience in many ways.
Keep reading, because so much of what this episode is about is building a relationship that truly works for two people who are different. Kori and I talked all about wildly delightful relationships, including how to define your own delight, and the steps to start taking to create deep satisfaction in your marriage.
Utilizing a relationship coach and a therapist on your team
I’ve had several clients say they use whatever work we’re doing (whether it’s one-on-one or in the group) to compliment working with their partner in couple’s therapy. I love this, because I’m a big fan of having a team. It opens capacity for leaning into each other’s strengths, leaning into where the other person feels more comfortable, and also not being attached to what it has to look like.
Kori did this herself, and if that’s available to you, any kind of support that’s meaningful and valuable to you, I am a hundred percent for it.
Kori explained that the reason she and her partner Alex had both a relationship coach and a therapist was that because as a coach, Kori loved coaching, and knew it was so valuable. She told her partner Alex, who was totally on board, but Alex felt like therapy was what resonated most with her own growth and personal development.
Kori said, “To be honest, I really did not want to do it. But I dug deep and I was like, Okay, Alex 100% supported me in working with Maggie Reyes, not just emotionally, but also literally with cash money. And so I’m going to go as all in as I would go on my own coaching with my coach.
One of the best decisions for our relationship was creating support structures that we both craved and then showing up in both of those spaces.”
Letting go of how you think your relationship “should” look with a relationship coach
So many of us, and myself included, get tied up in how our relationship needs to look. But the fact is, it doesn’t have to look like anything in particular. If you know that the essence of what you want is connection, that’s the foundation. And sometimes being married to the way we think prevents us from having the marriage we want.
Common relationship advice might make us think we need a date night out. What if what we really need is an at-home night on the porch? What if we allowed that to look in whatever way is available to us today?
Kori even mentioned that one of the best things that ever happened in her relationship was when she and her partner made a chore agreement. That one, unexpected thing created more connection and eliminated so many nitpicky fights.
As she said, “It added space for joy, and that space for joy is what I would call peace. And whatever the antithesis of resentment is – delight.”
But if she had been too caught up in how she thought her relationship “should” look and how she and her partner “should” derive their joy and peace, she would never have been open to receiving it from a simple chore agreement.
When relationships demand that you get a little unhinged
It’s a valuable skill to get to know your own longings and then be able to communicate those with another person.
One of Kori’s big missions in life is to help more people have amazing lives and amazing careers. A wonderful ingredient in creating a deeply satisfying life and a deeply satisfying marriage is the willingness to just do the unexpected, to do things differently than what everyone else is doing.
And sometimes even being willing to be a little (what culture might call) unhinged. But unhinged for the sake of satisfaction, for the sake of deliciousness, for the sake of following what lights you up.
It reminded me of the time my husband and I saw Olivia Newton-John perform in Miami one weekend. I had her poster on my wall as a kid and absolutely adored her in Grease. We saw her sing those iconic Grease songs live, and I was in heaven. It was like I was 13 again.
I knew she was scheduled to play again the next night in Orlando at one of the parks. I said to my husband, “How crazy would it be if we drove up and saw her again?” And he was okay with it! We drove the 4 hours and I was booking last-minute accommodations and getting park tickets figured out from the passenger seat. And the only reason was just for delight. And we have such happy memories from that time, from being just a tiny bit unhinged for the sake of satisfaction.
How relationship coaching can be scary… but worth it
Coaching invites you to believe you could have not just better marriage, but wildly, insanely better marriage. It’s like someone saying you can have this magical, delightful thing, but for some of us, delightful feels like a stretch, so wildly delightful feels like another planet. And that can feel scary or threatening.
Often, we feel resistance towards those kinds of ideas, like we have to keep our guard up. Because whenever there’s a perception of threat, just the fact that a concept or sensation is new (not even bad) will trigger a nervous system response.
For example, recently I was quoted on the Today Show’s website. It was a very special thing for me and my business, and the day it happened, I went completely into freeze mode (like fight, flight, or freeze). I had things to do and places to be that day, but because of being in a freeze response, I had to shift my schedule around.
I had the presence of mind to notice that I was in a freeze response, which was the first time I ever remembered being in the response, but also observing the response. It was really fascinating. And I say all that because I don’t want you to be surprised when you get your dream relationship and you’re like, “Oh, I’m freaking a little bit out right now” and make that a problem.
It’s okay. It will pass.
Like Kori said, “When you step out outside of your comfort zone, even in a positive direction, even in the direction you’ve been literally fantasizing about for 20 years, it may feel unsettling to your nervous system and that nervous system may need tending… and it doesn’t mean anything’s gone wrong.”
Remembering your agency in your relationship
Sometimes people give up in their relationships or make choices that aren’t really conducive to thriving. Whether it’s their brain telling them that their peace is boring so they should pick a fight with their partner or the societal message women are given that we’re not allowed to receive good things… it gets complicated in our minds (trust me, as a relationship coach I’ve seen it all).
It can feel like we’re living from reaction to reaction with no choice in the matter. But we always have agency.
Agency is a key ingredient of the light and satisfaction you can create in your relationship. Just remembering that we have a choice when we forget that we have choices can be a huge win on its own.
EARLY ENROLLMENT in The Marriage MBA is OPEN, sign up now to start making your marriage better today!
When you register and pay, you will get the pre-work, recommended book list and immediate access to the Orientation Workshops in the member portal.
These workshops are designed to help you do two things – get the most out of the program and start making simple, yet significant changes in how you are showing up in your relationship right now.
You will receive a series of orientation emails to guide you through the different topics.
However, they are all available immediately upon registration, along with my mini course called Emotional Leadership Training which will help you move from reluctant tolerance towards secure connection with your partner.
Get the program overview and get your enrollment application in here – https://maggiereyes.com/group
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE: