How do you find happiness in marriage?
I interviewed my friend and colleague Kim Strobel, The Happiness Coach to discuss how we can be intentional with our actions to create the joy we want in our lives and in our marriage!
Tell us about yourself in 5 sentences…
I’ve encountered a lot of darkness and struggles in life, but they’ve become my biggest teachers. From them, I’ve learned that life is a gift and that we are all meant to experience joy, happiness, purpose, and meaning. I learned that perhaps all of my struggles were really just preparation, so I can help others create lives they love. We are all capable of experiencing abundance, success, and love everyday. Throughout everything, I’ve strived to live up to my full potential—as a teacher, a consultant, a motivational speaker, a happiness and empowerment coach, and a mission-minded person who has found my calling.
Tell us about your latest project…
I launched my education consulting business, Strobel Education, in 2015 because I have a strong calling to reinvent our education system in a really big way. A way that honors our students (and our teachers) and all the creative gifts they have to offer. But I’m currently launching my second big project, which is Kim Strobel, The Happiness Coach. With this new venture, I’ll be hosting live events and happiness retreats because I really want to inspire and empower others to live big, bold, magnificent lives. I feel like life can be very overwhelming, and we can sometimes get lost in the fray. These stresses can dampen our flame, which begs to burn brightly. So, I’m hoping that I can help others create lives they truly love and give them the permission to shine brightly.
Why do you do what you do?
I’m very driven to help people create big, bold, beautiful lives because of my own struggles. This idea of becoming a happiness and empowerment coach was birthed in my heart and soul, and I’m pretty certain it was my divine destiny. I was always a super-anxious child and was gripped by major panic disorder for a big part of my life. I felt lost. Yet, there was this little spark in my soul that just wouldn’t let up, and I just couldn’t and wouldn’t give up on myself. I yearned to create the life I wanted to live—you can call it sheer will, determination, or drive. Sure, I wanted to give up a hundred times, and I spent hours crying on my bathroom floor thinking it might just be better to end this life so I didn’t have to suffer anymore. But I was determined to work to get my life back. I began to seek help in all areas of my life and learned about The Law of Attraction, increasing my happiness levels, and devoured loads of other self-help books and programs. I took 100% responsibility for my life, and I got it back in a really BIG way. So, now I want others to know there is hope and that they have the ability to overcome whatever holds them back and thrive!
One of my favorite management principles is “Stop, Start, Keep.” The idea is that there are things we should stop doing, start doing and keep doing that will make us successful. What should we “stop, start, and keep” to make our relationships stronger?
I Stopped Refusing to Let My Light Shine
Too many times in this life, I’ve doused my own flame or played small to make others feel better about themselves. My confidence has grown, but sometimes my strong leadership personality has made me prey to criticism. I’ve never been afraid to go for it, but it seems that it’s difficult to find women rooting for women, especially when you’re a strong woman. I was a darn good teacher, but others felt inadequate so they got upset anytime I used a progressive approach. In my personal life, it seemed like others wanted to put me down for anything from my kick-ass legs (I’m a runner!) to the fact that I’m now a happiness coach. But I just kept doing my thing and have found a tribe that supports and roots for my every single success—and holds and supports me when I fail.
I Started Being Authentic
I think I’ve been afraid for years to just be myself because I felt so judged by others. I’ve been told that I have too much confidence, that I smile too much, that I’m too positive. So, I began to present a fake Kim. One that dressed exactly how everyone else expected and behaved according to the social scripts we’re all taught. But I started to really lose my joy. Once I started my own business, I said, “That’s it. People are going to get the real me because it hurts too much to be anyone but me.” And now I feel like I’m thriving in life because it’s OK to be me!
I Kept Focusing on How I Wanted To Contribute
Meaning comes from being able to find purpose in your life and to use your gifts to help others. I kept thinking, “How do I want to serve others?” I knew that all of my obstacles and new learning was a gateway and that it was time to turn my unique strengths into something that can really help others. I get so excited when I know I’ve helped others step into their most authentic, courageous, empowered selves and when they know they, too, can shine brightly.
The secret to a happy marriage is ….
being willing to learn and change along the way. I’m on a constant quest to evolve in my marriage and become the best version of myself I can possibly be. Currently, my goal is to be super-intentional about not criticizing my husband (as hard as that sometimes is!). For example, one of his household jobs is to empty the dishwasher. I would get frustrated when this didn’t get done. But instead of complaining, I just did it myself. I felt really good about this because sometimes I think we don’t understand the other pressures that our partner might be dealing with.
What I know is true about love is …
that sometimes you don’t get it right the first time—but you can try again. After my first marriage failed, I felt like a failure and that perhaps I should have settled for an inauthentic marriage. But now I’m 15 years strong in a marriage that feels like a true partnership, and I feel so loved and supported … even if the dishwasher doesn’t always get emptied!
The single most important thing we can do for the person we love is …
show them they are loved! I find it’s the little things that make my husband feel loved. For example, he loves when I put a pack of Twizzlers in his car before he leaves for work with a little note telling him why he’s so important to me.
The biggest myth about marriage is …
to expect that you will lose that spark and that this is the normal course of a marriage. My husband and I still have that spark, but we do have to nurture it by making time for it. I still look at him and think he’s the sexist man I know.
I can create a life I love by …
continuing to be a seeker and a learner. The more connected I am spiritually, the better I am as a person and a spouse. When I can look at my husband and see the divine light that shines in him, I can mirror that back to him.
What is your favorite inspirational quote about love or marriage?
The Sun Never Says
Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth,
“You owe Me.” Look what happens with
A love like that,
It lights the Whole Sky.
– Hafiz
Basically, if we can learn to give, to allow, to offer, and to serve then we can light up the whole world.
What is the best piece of advice you ever got? How did you use it?
I’m not sure it was a verbal piece of advice that I received but more of a modeling from my 93-year-old grandmother. For the last seventeen years, she and I have had a standing Friday lunch date and through our conversations, I’ve learned that she still thinks the world of my grandpa and even though he presented some challenges, she loved him so much. He wasn’t the easiest person to live with, but somehow my grandmother always focused on the positives and chose too see his light. On a side note, just last month while we were having our weekly lunch date, she told me it was considered a sin to not have sex with your husband back in the day. We had a good ol’ belly laugh about that one!
What’s the best advice you like to give? How do you apply it (for yourself)?
I’m such a work in progress and don’t know that I really have any advice to give. I do think it’s important to put your spouse as a priority some of the time, even if it’s before your kids. They need to know that they come first too.
What do you know is true about love?
I feel that love can be so rewarding to experience and that even though it changes throughout a marriage, many times the change or metamorphosis of that love makes the marriage that much better. Two people who found one another and feel totally blessed to get to walk this journey of life and marriage together. What a gift this is.
What is your favorite thing about being married?
I don’t have to do anything alone. Scott supports me when I need it, helps me parent our children, and shows me that he’s truly there for me in so many ways. He also chases my dreams with me and roots for me along the way.
What has surprised you the most about marriage?
That even though your marriage changes, it actually becomes this super-strong relationship and that love can truly continue to transform into more and more magic.
How do you stay connected to your spouse?
We recently started a nightly routine called teatime. Most evenings after the house has settled, we steep a couple of good cups of tea and sit down in our dining room or out on our deck and just talk for about 20 minutes. This little routine has really helped us connect emotionally to one another. We are all so busy nowadays, but this time is very intentional. We both walk away with our love tanks filling fuller.
We talk a lot on this blog about re-defining marriage – can you share something you and your spouse do that makes sense for you (but may not make sense to someone else)
My husband and I take an adults-only vacation every single year, and it renews us in a really big way. For one week, we get to just be two lovers on the beach with no outside distractions. I will admit that we miss the kids while we are gone, but I think its so important to show children that you value your marriage and that mom and dad know how to have fun without them.
What is the most surprising thing you have discovered through your work?
When it comes to working on my marriage, I have been surprised to find that if I truly make the intention to focus on what my husband offers and gives to our family—rather than on all the things I wish he’d do more of—that I can actually change the vibration of our relationship and what I’d like more of begins to grow. I used to complain a lot to him and about him. By doing this, I was just bringing more and more negative into my life. Now, I’m not gonna lie and pretend I don’t still get super-frustrated from time to time. But when this happens, I try to find something I can say to myself that’s positive about him. Sometimes, it’s just that he fixes a mean pasta dish.
Anything else you would like to add?
For the last twenty years, I’ve researched and studied the topic of happiness, which is why I lead happiness retreats. Through the research, I have found that we all have the ability to increase our happiness levels by up to 40%. When I’m living my very best life, then everything around me seems to prosper. My relationships thrive, my sense of meaning and purpose elevate, and my contribution of service gets to have a very big impact on a lot of people. Life is such a gift. And I really do wake up in the mornings, put my head up to the sky, and say, “This is my life, and I get to live it!”
Having spent her childhood and young adult years living with anxiety and a panic disorder, Kim Strobel worried that she’d never be able to achieve her life’s dreams.
But Kim wouldn’t be Kim if she allowed a few obstacles to block her path to happiness. She sought treatment from medical and homeopathic doctors and combined exposure therapy and deep personal growth seeking—plus, a generous helping of sheer will—to produce a miracle of recovery that keeps giving all these years later.
Kim has learned to own her fear—to use it—to empower herself to go after what she wants.
She runs a successful education consulting business, www.StrobelEducation.com, helping teachers reconnect to their profession. And now in her newest role of happiness and empowerment coach (www.KimStrobel.com), she’s ready to help others overcome their fears, discover their personal and professional joy, activate their limitless potential, and boldly pursue their dreams!
Kim has found her own joy in her work, and she pairs it with a personal life that puts her happiness levels off the chart. She’s a runner, an animal advocate, and a family-oriented gal who lives the good life in the midwest with her husband, Scott. They have four children, two grandkids, and three fur babies.
