As a marriage and relationship coach, one of the top questions I get asked is – How do I keep the spark alive in my marriage? It’s totally normal for the initial spark to fizzle out or fade with time, so that’s why in today’s mini training I want to talk about keeping the passion alive in your relationship.
This question was posted in The Modern Married Wife group and I want to answer it.
Question for married women for over 15 years. Do you just become settled ?
Does the fire and passion just end? Is there more to it than just feeling content? I’ve been married for 15 and I honestly just wonder if this is how it becomes, is this how it is supposed to be? I wonder if my head is trying to live out a fairytale. I know it may sound stupid but I think you should still be able to get excited over your spouse. Is this the normal marriage?
I hate to be a negative nelly but YES this is totally normal. It’s average. It’s what a lot of people have. Because a lot of people don’t put effort and focus and intention into their relationship.
Effort, focus and intention. To have a healthy, thriving relationship you need to invest in it. Not just money for gifts or dates nights, but TIME and ATTENTION.
There is some excellent research quoted in Psychology Today that says the top 3 factors in feeling romantic love no matter how long you have been married are –
Thinking positively about one’s partner.
Thinking about one’s partner when not with that person.
Having an affectionate relationship (hugging, kissing, holding hands).
Just like recipe books for dinner, and cement mixes for sky scrapers, there are certain ingredients that make marriages stronger.
Depending on the combination of things you put in every day, you can either make your relationship weaker or build it to last for the rest of your life.
My favorite researcher, John Gottman from The Gottman Institute coined the term, “emotional bank account.”
Our emotional bank accounts are just like our monetary ones – they need constant deposits or they will get overdrawn.
To build a love account filled with fondness and admiration, we all need to learn how to make deposits. Gottman is brilliant at taking this concept and giving us simple steps we can implement easily in our relationships to get immediate positive results.
Here are a couple of examples:
Thought: My partner has specific qualities that make me proud.
Task: Write down one characteristic that makes you proud
Tell your lovely why you are proud of them. Do it today!
Thought: I was really lucky to meet my partner.
Task: List one benefit that being in a relationship with your partner offers.
Suggestion from me: Add one benefit that your partner receives from being in a relationship with you. Value what you have to give every day. Hugs count. So does making sandwiches.
When your marriage is starting to feel stale, that is a sign that your emotional bank account is not being filled. It is data you can use to make changes before the account is overdrawn.
THE IMPORTANCE OF DOING NEW THINGS –
Dopamine creates a sense of novelty – which you feel very deeply when you first start dating, everything is new. Everything feels exciting and fresh, often because it is exciting and fresh.
The way you keep getting hits of dopamine is to keep doing new things. They don’t have to be big, fancy things, they just have to be new.
Sometimes you think you have “fallen out of love” and what is really happening is you have stopped doing anything new.
When I talk about having a five star marriage, what I am inviting you to do is to set the intention to not just be okay with normal but to commit to being excellent, commit to being your version of five star.
DECIDE that quality of your marriage and your life is important and INVEST your time, focus and attention not just squeaking by, but making it as awesome as you can.
If want help with that, I invite you to apply for a Relationship Breakthrough Call with me here.
We will identify what your biggest issue is, and you will leave the call with at least one concrete actionable takeaway to make your marriage better. We will also discuss my coaching program and see if we are a good fit to work together.
