How To Re-Define Marriage

I love how-tos! and recipes and blueprints and GPS.

I read the instructions from cover to cover whenever we purchase electronic devices.

I think gadgets are sexier than George Clooney. (Only by about an inch, but still.)

I also have lofty goals and big dreams. So this how I am choosing to re-define marriage.

I was going to write a long its of 12 Easy Steps to Re-define your marriage. Instead it really boils down to two. Do these two and you are done. Well 2 and 1/2 really. But I decided not to count.

1. Question Everything.

Traditional “roles” are a lie. We made them up. And just like we made them up once, we can make them up again. Back in the days of serfs and nobles, marriages were business transactions preserving property and land and establishing peace by uniting two families who would have to protect each other’s holdings instead of fighting each other for them.

So, question everything. Who works? Who takes care of the kids? Who cooks? In my house it’s Chef Hubby and he is amazing. If I was “cooking” we would be living on Hot Pockets, Rocky Road and Bread with Butter. And perhaps a pre-cut salad and an apple every now and then. Not Pretty, People. Chef Hubby it is.

So question everything – together. Decide together. Re-decide together periodically. Is this still working? How can we make it work better – so you are happy and I am happy?

1b. After you have questioned everything – Upgrade the Quality of Your Questions.

Question Everything isn’t just about the status quo, it’s about the quality of questions you are asking yourself about your life and your love about theirs.

What is our vision for our life together? is just as important as what’s for dinner? and yet it gets asked once (if you are lucky) and then put away to collect dust along with your old mini-skirts and his chess pieces.

Find what works for you – every year in December? Every quarter? When you take your cars in for tune-ups? Find a timeline you like and ask powerful questions.

Here are 3 of my favorites –

What do you want to do this year? Travel? Save? Put up the new curtains we bought 3 months ago? (I keep it real and the curtains are locked in the closet for now, because we chose Travel and went on a Soul Quest to Montana – it was worth it. The curtains will forgive us.)

How do you want to feel? On a daily basis?
Sometimes my answer is just – not rushed. Calm. I want to feel calm. And loved.

How can we make that happen?

Whatever your dreams, goals and fantasies are – share them, dissect them, and find ways to support each other to make them happen in both big and tiny ways.

Every time the hubs makes dinner, a dream comes true in my mouth.

So when he wants to see Video Games Live (super cool by the way – orchestral scores from video games with humor and game clips mixed in) we take a day off work and drive 4 hours together, dreaming and scheming and laughing and asking great questions so he can enjoy his dream and we can catch the show.

So that was steps one and a half. Here is step two.

2. Pour Love Into It – Every day.

As a society we changed all the rules about land transactions and passing on titles, so we could marry for LOVE. (Though I volunteer to be a Duchess. If anyone has a title they want to downsize – call me.)

We marry for LOVE then forget and start talking about carpools and interest payments and diaper rashes and celery. So from now on, whenever you start thinking it’s time to buy celery – go kiss your husband instead.

Tell him he is hot and smart. Remember why you married him and tell him. Be detailed and naughty if necessary. He will love the naughty parts.

Or if you are not into words and want to leave the naughty for later – bake him a cake.

However you define giving love – give some.

Do it now.

How do YOU re-define marriage? Click on the comments and leave one. You might just help me re-define mine.