Episode 154- Three Secrets to A Happy Relationship

This is one of my favorite episodes of the podcast. I know, I know, I say that about every episode, but I’m saying it again and can’t wait for you to dig in.

I got to chat with Kimberly Mathis, therapist-turned-life coach, who helps people change what feels unchangeable. Despite not being a relationship coach, Kimberly gets many clients whose unchangeable circumstances often center on difficult relationships of all kinds.

Imagine that.

Kimberly also has the distinction of completing two rounds of The Marriage MBA. Considering her program experience, therapist background, and life coaching expertise, I’m delighted she was willing to share her wealth of knowledge.

We got to talk in-depth about what she learned in The Marriage MBA about herself and her relationships, and how in turn she can help her clients create happier relationships in their lives.

And, we shared three secrets to a happy relationship that you can take and apply to your relationships starting today!

Spoiler alert, they aren’t really “secrets” but they are simple things most people don’t normally think about so they “feel” like secrets and once you know them, they also feel like keys that unlock doors to better relating and happier marriag-ing ;-).

First secret to a happy relationship: be yourself

Something we instill in students of The Marriage MBA over the course of the program is that when a difficult emotion or a desire comes up, we never suppress it. We may not act on it, or we may handle it differently than we handled it in the past. But we never approach emotions or desires with the purpose of invalidating them.

Happy, thriving, 5 star relationships are about getting to be more YOU in your relationships, and honoring your authentic thoughts and feelings.

Kimberly shared some fascinating ah-ha’s she had during the program about being herself in her relationships.

“I think this has been lifelong. Whatever other people had to say about my behavior – what was good, what was bad, what I should do, what I shouldn’t do – I gave that more weight than my own thoughts about it.

And looking back, there were a lot of ways in which I did not speak up for what I actually thought, or where something felt bad. I was like, ‘Well, I’ll defer to whatever this person needs or wants me to do’ because it was loving. That’s how you are loving to someone.”

I love that Kimberly had this realization. And it reminds me of one of my favorite phrases: that just no longer works for me.

Maybe there was a time when a certain solution worked, and it doesn’t anymore. Or maybe it never worked, but you pretended it did because you thought it was the loving thing to do.

At any point, you get to say, ‘that just no longer works for me’ and give yourself permission to find a new way.

It’s simple, but not easy, which brings us to the second secret to a happy relationship.

Second secret to a happy relationship: know your stress cycles

Stress cycle awareness is a term I coined to describe regularly noticing your nervous system responses.

And regularly being aware of where your partner or anyone you are in a relationship with is in their stress cycle. Are they calm and center? Freaking out and fighting, pulling away and in flight response, talking about the same things in circles in a freeze response or saying yes when they very obviously (or not so obviously) would rather be a no?

Are you in a fight, flight, or freeze? Are you possibly in an appease state, like Kimberly mentioned – saying yes to things you really want to say no to?

Knowing your stress cycles is about having that awareness, and over time noticing how you’re reacting to and interacting with the other person in the relationship.

And yet, as Kimberly noted, we tend to have all of our relationship conversations when we’re right in the middle of a stress cycle!

“It’s the worst time to do it. I understand for me, and I think it’s probably this way for a lot of people when activated, I don’t want to pause. It feels so disorienting and upsetting. There’s such a feeling of disconnection from my partner that I want to fix it immediately.

But when I’m reacting to that stress response, I may say things that are just pleasing to the other person, just to appease them. I may say things that I do not mean because I’m being activated.

It makes me react in a way that’s not really the way that I want to, or not completely honest. And so if I can notice that that’s happening, it gives me a chance to step back and come back to it later when I’ve had a chance to regulate a little bit. And then we can have a really good conversation.”

YES. That’s the impact of knowing your stress cycles. It’s that much more powerful when you reconnect with your partner, and you make so much more progress when you work with your stress cycle instead of against it.

Third secret to a happy relationship: the power of one

To me, it’s so inspiring to think about who I want to be in the world, and then how that affects my relationship. I think in some ways it’s because I love to be in control. I find that to be a safe space for me. If I don’t have to worry about what everyone else is doing and I just have power over me, to me, it builds my power muscle even more.

I don’t have to wait for anyone. That’s the power of one.

When Kimberly learned the concept of the power of one, it started to deconstruct years of behaviors that she was taught were loving and caring.

“I come from a long line of codependent family members, and we’re very loving and caring. And that means that I’m always thinking about what’s happening in the other person.

Like if they say something, I’m trying to decipher the other meanings that could be there that they haven’t said, or the other thoughts they’re having or how they’re feeling. I’m not only trying to do my work, but often my work is skewed to whatever I think the other person actually needs, and I’m trying to do the other person’s work for them.

It’s just exhausting.

I’ve been able to catch myself doing that so much more easily and refocus back to: what do I want to do? How do I want to show up? I can’t know that they’re telling me the truth – that’s on them. I can’t pick everything apart. I can’t make decisions for them or decide what is a fit for them and what isn’t.

I just have to acknowledge what’s true for myself. It’s been really, really helpful.”

Uncover more “secrets” for a happy relationship with a relationship coach

When marriage or couples counseling isn’t an option because your honey thinks everything is fine or is reluctant to participate in that kind of support, you don’t have to convince them or wait forever for a solution that might never come.

You can stop being frustrated with your partner’s behavior and decide how you want to respond to it, and start showing up as the person you want to be in your life and in your marriage.

This is the work we do inside The Marriage MBA and you are invited to join us. All the details are here – The Marriage MBA.

The Marriage MBA — the Mindset Breakthrough Activator — is the 6-month group coaching and mentoring program that teaches you the relationship skills you weren’t taught in school. It helps you reimagine marriage, so you can have a relationship that works for you.

What you’ll learn inside draws upon cognitive behavioral psychology — how your thoughts and feelings impact your actions and outcomes — to equip you with the kind of mindset that activates breakthroughs in ANY area of your marriage that feels less than 5-star.

You have so much more power and influence in your marriage than you realize. In The Marriage MBA, you’ll build the skills and tools to and deepen the level of connection in your marriage, then use them over and over for years to come.

If there is a foundation of love in your marriage and you’re ready to figure out how to have a stronger relationship for yourself and your honey, this program will help you. Use the link above to apply today. The application itself is quick and simple, but deep and powerful, and designed to give you more clarity about how you can move your relationship forward.

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE: