Have you heard of the Magic 5 to 1 Ratio in Marriage?
The fabulous researchers at The Gottman Institute watched happy couples and unhappy couples interact. Then they tracked them to see who stayed married and who didn’t.
They followed up with these couples 9 years later and predicted who got divorced with 90% accuracy.
Imagine for a moment you had a lottery ticket in your hand with a 90% chance of winning. A win is almost guaranteed right?
So this magic ratio you are going to learn about today is like a winning lottery ticket for your marriage.
http://https://youtu.be/ZdSR0hoEjrg
Here is what the ratio measures, the researchers found that couples that had 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction were both happier and stayed together.
It’s like eating 5 nutritious meals for every 1 fast food fantasy meal. As long as the balance of nourishing foods is higher, your body will be healthier.
The same applies with your marriage.
What does a “positive interaction” look like?
Compassion, Curiosity, Affection, Caring , Appreciation, Apologies, Humor
Basically anything that LIFTS YOUR VIBE and dissipates the tension can be used to create a moment of positive connection, even in the middle of an argument.
I was reminded of the power of positive interactions when I went on a cruise recently on the MSC Seaside.
I had never sailed with MSC before and had no idea what to expect.
A fascinating thing happened. All kinds of things went wrong.
We had an issue at dinner that made us miss the show due to the waiter’s delay in serving our meal.
A youth staff crew member jumped in front of me at the elevator and basically tried to block me from getting in it (so weird right? I thought so too.)
We went on a ship tour and the guide didn’t count the people as we moved from section to section and left me behind. (We caught up with them later, but no thanks to the guide. There was a fabulous Concierge who took charge of the situation and did a great job of handling it.)
We went to the future cruises desk and the attendant skipped us in line. (He was on a break, came back and started helping the person AFTER me. Not very logical, but that is exactly what happened.)
All that being said, you would think we would never sail with them again right?
Wrong.
When we got home, we did something we have never done before. We booked ANOTHER CRUISE on MSC and are SO EXCITED to go on it!
Why? How is this possible? I was really perplexed at my own experience and thought it about it quite a bit once we got back.
Here is what I realized. THIS was the 5:1 ratio AT WORK.
Because even though all those things happened. This also happened –
– The gelato was heavenly.
– The entertainment was amongst the best we have seen at sea.
– The waiters in the steak restaurant made us feel like royalty.
– The shore excursions were super reasonably priced and a great value for money.
– The specialty restaurants had a little up charge, but you felt in the quality of the food and the service.
– The activities on the ship were so varied, we couldn’t even try everything we wanted to try.
– The housekeeping staff was warm, friendly and had every inch of that ship SPOTLESS. (I looked!)
– The photography team made our trip so much fun! We bought one of the digital picture packages and by the end of the cruise most that team felt like old friends.
I could go on. THERE WAS SO MUCH GOODNESS. Even with the things that were surprising and annoying and need improvement.
I thought back to another cruise I had been on a few years ago. I won’t mention the company to protect the guilty. And we went onboard and it was fine. Nothing awful happened. But nothing MAGICAL happened either. I don’t think I will ever sail with them again.
Why? Because there was no 5:1….there were probably a few ones and nothing to counteract them. So that was the end of that.
I talk alot about things like creating safety, and keeping the spark alive in your marriage, and pouring love into your relationship.
Why? Because these things work. They make you happier and help you stay married if that is what you want to do.
Think back to the last week. Think about how many positive interactions you have had. Think about how many negative ones.
Do you need to up your positive contributions to your relationship? If you do, start now. Start small and simple, but don’t put it off for tomorrow.
One of the best places to start is by expressing appreciation. A simple thank you on a cloudy day can work wonders. Keep that ratio high and see what happens.
I talk about the power of appreciation extensively in my free Better Marriage Masterclass, you can register for the replay here.
