Maggie Reyes:
Hello, everyone. Welcome back to The Marriage Life Coach Podcast. Today is a very special day. We have a panel interview. It’s my very first one. I am incredibly excited. We have three members of The Marriage Mindset Makeover coming to share their experience doing the makeover, how it went for them, what they created in their marriages and in their lives, and some of their just favorite takeaways.
They’re just going to share their wisdom and their humanity with us today. I want each of them to introduce themselves. We have Paula and Karin and Ann. First they’re going to just tell you a little bit about who they are in the world as humans, as professionals, as leaders, and then we’re going to dive into their favorite takeaways. So let’s go ahead and start with Ann.
Ann Burrish:
Okay. Hi. Well, since this is The Marriage Mindset Makeover, I’ll start with the fact that I’ve been married for 41 and a half years to the same guy. We had dated on and off for 10 years before that, so there were no real surprises when we got married.
But our marriage has grown and changed a lot. I will say that The Marriage Mindset Makeover really has benefited me and us and had I had it 40 years ago, it would’ve been more awesome. It would’ve saved a lot of adventures along the way.
But anyway, I’m a mom, I have two wonderful adult sons. I’m a retired music teacher. I’m a Habits Coach, a yoga nerd. I don’t want to make this sound like a Bumble… which I’ve never been-
Maggie Reyes:
This is my dating profile.
Ann Burrish:
I’ve never been on Bumble, I’ve just heard about it. Anyway.
Maggie Reyes:
I love it.
Ann Burrish:
I love animals. I love to read. I love to be outdoors. That’s probably enough.
Maggie Reyes:
I love it, that’s so beautiful. It made me laugh when you said, if you had this 40 years ago, because I’m 48 right now as we record this. So 40 years ago I was eight years old and anything that came out of my mouth was totally ridiculous and not useful at all.
Ann Burrish:
Well I’m going to be 70.
Maggie Reyes:
I love it. It’s so awesome. Thank you Ann, I’m so happy you’re here.
Ann Burrish:
Likewise.
Maggie Reyes:
Paula, please tell us a little bit about yourself.
Paula Price:
Thank you so much, Maggie. And thank you, Ann and Karin, it’s nice to meet all of you and I’m delighted to be here. Thank you for inviting me. I am a mother and a wife. I should have said wife first, mother second. And my husband and I have been married for about 10 years.
We dated for about two years before that. Our kids are nine and seven. So I look at you Ann and I think of you. You’ve gone through all these years and like you, I think so much of what Maggie is teaching is so helpful. And I too would have loved to have had my hands on all that she teaches years ago because I think it’s so impactful.
In my professional work, I’m a lawyer and turned lawyer Coach. And so I work with lawyers and help them with challenges that they have in their practice. And I just find that Maggie’s work, the Mindset Makeover, her podcast which she shares, is so relevant to our marriage relationships and also other relationships we have in our lives.
For me, I think what really drew me to her work was some of the changes that happen when you start a family and when you have a young family and all the different pieces that come into that. Throw a pandemic into that, where you’re all under one roof and it’s really helpful to be able to have Maggie’s voice in my ear, giving me ideas and the presence to take some action. So that’s a little bit about me. And thank you, I’ll turn it back to you, Maggie.
Maggie Reyes:
I love it. I love it. So tell us, is it or Karin, or Karin, how do you pronounce your name? And make sure you’re unmuted. Let’s see. Yeah. We are on video, but all of you will just hear the audio so I can see Karin talking, but now I think. Say something. Okay.
So she’s going to figure out how to unmute and once she figures that out, we’re going to come back to her to say hello. We’ll just go ahead and get started and then she’ll do her intro in a little bit. So Ann, what was one of your favorite parts of doing the makeover?
Ann Burrish:
Where to begin. Well, I think from the get go, and as I turn 70, this is the year of me, which sounds really selfish, but it’s a signature, it’s a milestone year. And so it’s like, okay, how do I want to really reset? And as I think I mentioned to you in a email or something that whether you’re 30 or 70, you want every moment to matter.
And probably even more so when you realize that time is not infinite. Anyway, so I guess what really hit me from the very beginning was that your spontaneous remove, reschedule, reassign, I always look of that because one of my goals, even now being by choice only part-time employed gainfully or for money, that clutter fills in if you’re unaware of what’s going on.
And also once again, the power of one, which fills or aligns with that whole thing of like, okay, how do I want to live my values and then not be either a pleaser or just go the way the wind blows. But just to know that I’m autonomous and I’m very fortunate in just the situations of my life. And my husband’s generally a great guy, so I don’t have a lot of hills to climb. But just the awareness of that.
And also just quickly, as what Paula said, just that from the get go and I’d heard about the free Facebook, I thought, man, my relationship with my husband is at least at seven and a half. So it’s okay. But the relationships in the rest of my life, there are a lot of them that could use a tuneup.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. I love that so much. So let’s go back before we keep going with the different things. Say it again, the remove-
Ann Burrish:
Remove, reschedule, reassign.
Maggie Reyes:
Yes.
Ann Burrish:
And you said that in the first podcast.
Maggie Reyes:
Yes. Yes. So that’s part of also I talk about it also in Soul Centered Communication. I talk about it in the makeover. Just the idea that we get to course correct at any moment. And sometimes that requires removing things, reassigning things, renegotiating things. There’s a lot of different ways we can course correct.
I love that, that really stood out for you because I think all of us, we agree to things and once we agree, it’s almost like we put it in cement as opposed to wait, it’s written in erasable ink and we can reschedule, reassign, rethink what we want to do about different things. So thank you for pointing that out. Tell me, Ann, for you, how that helped you?
Ann Burrish:
Basically, I have for a long time intellectually believed that if I made the rule or the decision, I could change it. That was in my power, but I didn’t actually be that. I consider myself a sturdy and reliable person.
And so if I decided or agreed to do something, then it was done. And that’s to a point, is consistent with values. And I’ve also found that sometimes when I’ve said to someone this doesn’t work or I need to change this, they’ve actually thought, they’ve said, “Oh, this works better for me too.” So I thought, that’s also awesome.
Maggie Reyes:
Yes.
Ann Burrish:
And besides, if I ever get a tattoo, one of them will be remove, reschedule and reassign and another one will be one of my yoga instructors has said to me, she repeats, “There is enough time,” and those just flow together so nicely. So thank you.
Maggie Reyes:
Yes. So good, remove, reschedule, reassign. There is enough time. I love that it rhymes. I’m all in.
Ann Burrish:
Oh, yeah.
Maggie Reyes:
So good. And what was really powerful for me just listening to you, Ann is remembering many, many years ago, I read the book, The Four Agreements. So for everyone listening, The Four Agreements is just a beautiful, beautiful book. And one of the agreements is to be impeccable with your word.
And when I read it, I was very much like you, once I give my word, if I have to twist myself into a pretzel in order to keep it, I will twist myself into any shape. And reading that book really open my eyes to, well, I give my word, this is my word today. Tomorrow something changed. I can renegotiate my word. I can do something new and different and go in a different direction.
So the idea of keeping your word at all costs is not ever the point. And I love that, that was so powerful for you, because it was very, very powerful for me. So thank you for that.
We’re going to check in on Karin. We’re going to see. How we record the podcast is live. I always say it’s live to tape. So Karin, I’m going to invite you to leave the podcast room, come back in. When you come back in, there’s a little place you can test. So we’re going to have Karin back. Okay. So while Karin figures that out, Paula, tell us what was one of your favorite takeaways from the makeover?
Paula Price:
Thank you so much, Maggie. And I just wanted to say, I love hearing from Ann and I love hearing, number one, 41 years of marriage and you have a wonderful relationship with your husband. And I feel the same way. I’m not 41 years into it, but I’m married to a wonderful man.
And what I love about The Marriage Mindset Makeover is number one, Maggie, it’s concise, it’s organized. I love your podcast and I could listen to it forever. But what’s a little bit different about The Mindset Makeover is that you’ve distilled down, into five lessons and a few bonuses, some of the key concepts.
And so what I loved was being able to log in and listen to the concepts and really focus on one piece at a time because that’s when I can actually really engage and start to implement. And so what are some of the things that really jumped out to me? At a broad level, it’s awareness. It’s really being so much more aware of what I’m thinking, what I’m doing, how I’m showing up.
Another piece is intentionality. So all of a sudden, I’m going from a feather in the wind to, okay, how am I showing up in this dynamic? And when you’ve got a nine year old, a seven year old, a husband, we’re under one roof, we’re trying to get out the door in the morning for school, you want to know that you are grounded, that you know how you want to approach the situation.
And so, one of the concepts you talk about, you talk about so many concepts, but one that I really love is this idea of emotional leadership. I’d never heard of that before. And there’s ways that you describe it that are so beautiful. And part of that is going first, be the one to go first. And so how do I want to show up in a situation as a wife, as a mother, as a member of a family unit.
And just that question alone is so helpful in terms of giving myself an ideal or an instruction as how I’m going to go into those situations. So I think that concept that you share, you also talk about how it works in the systems theory, how one person can make such a difference in the way that they interact, they then influence others in terms of how they interact. And so that has been really impactful, not to say I’m by no means perfect, Maggie
Maggie Reyes:
None of us are. Welcome to humanity. Yes.
Paula Price:
Not fully showing up as the emotional leader that I want to be. But when I do it, I feel really proud of myself and I see how that influences my family and others around me. So I really appreciate that.
Maggie Reyes:
I really love that you mentioned, I’m not perfect, because one of my favorite sentences, nothing in your life has to be perfect to be awesome. Everyone listening, nothing has to be perfect to be awesome. We can imperfectly do really amazing, amazing things. And even in recording the podcast and even in, you’ll see it in the videos, for any of you who are doing makeover, they’re very imperfect. I’m standing at my board, I’m writing things.
I remember something, I’m like, “Oh, I remember this and I want you to know this.” And I just say it. And it’s almost intentional. It’s not almost intentional, it’s intentional that for me personally, to show up as a human, not some magic person on some magic mountain that exist.
Even when I have my husband on the podcast, he’s been a guest multiple times and we have our little witty banter that goes back and forth. And I’m like, “Listen, this is what it’s like, folks. This is how we talk at home.”
That idea, I think, that some of our cultural narratives tell us that there’s this unattainable perfection just sets us up for so much despair. And if I bust any myths, even that myth, happily ever after, no, thrivingly ever after.
Yeah, I can get on board with that because when I think about something like the five star marriage, which is another concept that I have a podcast episode on, will link to it for the show notes, you go to the Ritz-Carlton, or you go to St. Regis or the fanciest hotel in your city, it’s not that things don’t go wrong.
It’s that they have systems and processes in order to correct things so that they can course correct and move forward. But it’s never perfection. It’s always just like nothing needs to be perfect to be awesome. Okay. So let’s see, Karin has come back. And we can hear her now.
Karin Reynolds:
Sorry about that.
Maggie Reyes:
Yes. Victory. Welcome, welcome.
Karin Reynolds:
I’m here and thanks for inviting Maggie. And so, I start from the beginning. I introduce myself.
Maggie Reyes:
Yes, please.
Karin Reynolds:
So I’m an architect and Coach and I help people redesign their lives and their homes or the other.
Maggie Reyes:
Love it.
Karin Reynolds:
And there’s lots of parallels and I have been married for 20 years and we have known each other for about 10 years. So that’s my introduction.
Maggie Reyes:
Love it.
Karin Reynolds:
I am a mother and we just got our first granddaughter. Really excited grandparents now. I love being here and thanks for the opportunity.
Maggie Reyes:
You’re so welcome. Welcome. We’re so delighted that you’re here. Tell us what was your favorite takeaway or concept from the makeover?
Karin Reynolds:
Okay. Maggie, of course, in The Marriage Makeover, she has a lot to offer and it’s a great introduction to everything that’s possible. I joined the program when our marriage was at a low point. I was actually ready to quit and what turned it around was an hour Coaching with Maggie.
Basically, it was the power of Coaching, the power of thoughts and the power of mind, thought work basically. And so when I got started the Coaching call with Maggie, I was basically hopeless. I said, “You are my last try. I give it one more try.” And then basically through the Coaching at the end, I was basically full of hope. And you can rewatch the recording, if you want to see how she did it. She did it masterfully.
If you just watch this, it will help you to turn your marriage around. So it was basically that the power of one that I can create whatever I want to create. If I say okay, there’s this person, what can I do with this person? And for me, there was enough that I could see and just still loved in my husband.
And from that, I could start basically the makeover. And another very helpful revelation was that whatever happens about me, whatever happens in my marriage, I can always choose to be centered and balanced.
And from that, at the end of the call, I was really empowered and I had a lot of energy. And when my husband came home the same evening, before we had stopped talking. So I received him playing our favorite song and we danced and we were both crying.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay. Everyone just take a deep breath. Everyone listening, just take a deep breath. We’re all so moved, listening to this story. I am taking a deep breath myself. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for being so openhearted and just for sharing from your heart. Karin came to one of our bonus live calls and they are in the archives of the recordings inside the makeover.
So when she says you can go and listen to the call when you join the makeover, her call is there. And she was very openhearted and very willing to just question things and sat together in loving compassion and just question things.
And I’m so grateful for the opportunity to do this work and I’m so grateful to see you here today in a celebrating moment. If you see that video, you’ll see her in a tough moment. And now you sort of get to see her in this really be beautiful celebration.
You won’t get to see this video, but I get to see her smiling and playful and giggling. And listen, everyone, I’m just taking deep breaths and trying to stay focused to finish the interview. So we’re going to do our best, we’re going to make it imperfect as we have established. That’s good.
I have goosebumps all over my body. I just have to say, thank you so much, so much. So it’s been a few months since that call, Karin. So let’s just continue on. What is one thing that you’re doing now, whether it was a side effect or a byproduct of having done the makeover? What are you doing now that helps you continue to feel connected and empowered in your relationship?
Karin Reynolds:
I basically continue with this thought I can create what I want. And so, of course, I’m very creative. So I created a date with my husband for our anniversary, and we have never celebrated our anniversary. And we went to our favorite restaurant and we started to dream, sharing our dreams of what we want to do, where we want to travel.
And then I created, with this thought, I can create everything I want and being really feeling empowered, I created over the Christmas holidays visiting my daughter, I created a romantic beach getaway in New Hampshire. And it was not perfect. And I made a playlist.
And now whenever throughout these months, I always greet him with music and we dance sometimes. So music is really, dancing together is really a way for us to connect in a very easy way after work, we just move a little bit. So that’s a really easy way for us to connect.
And also, it makes me laugh because when I hear a certain song, like I Just Called To Say I Love You, it just makes me giggle. You know? And I immediately get into a giggly mode when he comes home.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. So beautiful. What I’m hearing the most is just we get to decide how we want to experience things. And once we realize that, once we really realize that and practice it over and over, what we experience changes. I think it was Wayne Dyer that says we get to choose the way we look at things. And the way we look at things changes the things that come out in front of us. So incredibly beautiful.
Karin Reynolds:
The other part to it is also he in the end, or while doing all this, my husband has been very grateful. He would have not initiated it by himself. He would not been able, for whatever reason, been able to create it himself. But he was really grateful receiving it and all the good and all the connection. And there’s more to it, but that’s it for now.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. It’s beautiful. Yeah. Love it. So Ann, you mentioned earlier that doing the makeover, didn’t just help you with your husband, but helped you with other relationships. Can you tell us a little bit about that?
Karin Reynolds:
Yeah. I can basically apply that to any relationship work or with my daughter, for example, visiting them, I can create what I want to create while I’m visiting her. So I was basically just going with the flow instead of saying, okay, this has to be Christmas my way. And so that can apply to anything.
And with work, I can basically, if somebody comes with me, with his or her issues, I can say, “Hey, what do I want to create? Do I want to create a fight?” And you also may mention that in your Coaching about be careful when to start an argument. And usually, what I want to create is more connection and not an argument or disconnection.
Maggie Reyes:
Beautiful. Thank you. Karin, that was your experience with other relationships. And now Ann, tell us a little about your experience with other relationships.
Ann Burrish:
Well, I think just in a more global sense, and I actually, just to digress slightly, I can see my sons and husband rolling their eyes because I’m the queen of digression. But that’s all right. Anyway, when I signed up for course, because I wanted to be able to listen, as Paula said, I want to be able to listen.
I bet I’ve listened to several of the podcasts six times, at least. Anyway, I knew when I signed up that it would be as much to apply globally as much as, and we’re all Coaches, and so we’ve heard some of this stuff before. But specifically for me, I have very strong opinions as far as politics and the way the world should run.
And it’s helped me to thinking of that anger scale workshop, think of in relationships, okay, is this worth once again to get back? Whether I want to reward, reschedule or reassign is it is the level of whatever I’m feeling in relationship to whatever event or person in the outside world, is it A, consistent with my values and then B, worth the energy that I would be expanding that I could spend more usefully and to also refer, I can’t remember if it was Paula or who said that I’m a yoga nerd.
And so it’s like a large part of that is that what we embody, and you say this too, Maggie, what we embody has a ripple effect into the world. Whatever your beliefs are about energy or however woo or not woo we are, if it’s just mirror neurons, what we embody, we share. And that’s part of my values. So that’s maybe more than you wanted to know.
Maggie Reyes:
I love it. No, this is on a podcast, digressions are the best and most fun places that we go. It’s like, yeah, bring it. I love the idea that, say that again, what we embody is what we share. Right?
Ann Burrish:
I’m not sure, but that’s sounds good.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. So, so powerful. I love that so much. And I love that you mentioned the anger scale because it’s the perfect segue because Paula mentioned that as one of her favorite things. And I’d love to hear how that workshop was useful for you.
So inside The Makeover, there’s a bonus workshop called the Anger Scale where I just go through that tool sort of step by step and how to use it. So tell us a little bit Paula, how that was meaningful or useful to you.
Paula Price:
Thank you, Maggie. And thank you, Ann, for raising it. I was thinking, as you were talking, I was like, “Ooh, I hope I get asked about that.” I had never really heard of the concept of an anger scale before listening to Maggie speak about it. I think there’s a podcast episode.
I remember hearing that when it came out. That was probably a while ago. And then doing the workshop. And what I find so fascinating about it is that number one, there is this idea of giving yourself a rating.
So Maggie, as you point out, not all things that… Well, actually I want to step back first of all, and say, I think as women or humans conditioned or socialized as women, anger is not exactly the emotion that we get to talk about or we get to feel. If you’re angry with something, is it really feminine to go out there and express that anger? Not really.
And so I know for myself and I’m guessing for a lot of other women, it’s an emotion that I don’t relate very well to. I don’t understand what to do with it when I feel it. And so it doesn’t always come out the way that I want it to.
And so first of all, to have a podcast episode and a bonus dedicated to this emotion that is like this, what do I do with you emotion was really helpful. And then to be able to look at that emotion and say, okay, not all things that happen that trigger anger are going to trigger the same intensity of anger.
So for example, the lid off the toothpaste anger is different from the, you didn’t pay the mortgage and now our house is getting repossessed or whatever anger. There’s a range. And so through all of your situations where you may feel anger are going to register in the same way. So that’s the first part of what you teach.
And then the second part, which is so impactful, and this is what you’re talking about, Ann is, do I need to do anything about it? So if it is the toothpaste cap, do I really need to get into a discussion about this or can I just put it back on and go on with my day? Or for being evicted, which is not happening by the way.
Maggie Reyes:
Right, right. The examples I probably use. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Paula Price:
But it’s giving yourself a threshold. And so you suggest give yourself a threshold at six or seven, whatever it happens to be, and then decide whether or not you’re going to do something about it. And so in our house, and Maggie, you didn’t ask me specifically, but I’m going to volunteer, ask how this affects the other relationships in your life.
For me, what is going on in my life is that we’re a family. And so it’s crazy. We brought the young kids, we’re all in the house. We’ve got the pandemic thing. We’re all in here all the time. And so for some people, going on a vacation to Hawaii means we’re going to fly there and we’re going to land there. We’re going to have a, whatever, Mai Tai and sit on the beach. For me, it’s like, no, we’re all going to be, I’m packing all the things that come along.
So there’s a lot of opportunities where things go off the rails and where I’m like, oh, this isn’t exactly how I planned this thing. And so this is a really useful tool for me to decide, is this something I need to do something about, whatever that do action is, or can I just let this go and keep moving forward? And so that’s a really helpful tool because it’s so concrete and it’s so practical.
You can just apply it as it comes up. And, I also wanted to add Maggie, sorry, but you had a podcast recently where you talked about fear. And it was almost like you were giving that same scale to fear. And I thought, oh, isn’t this brilliant, you can actually take this concept of ranking your emotions in intensity and then making decisions around that.
So I just think it’s such a useful tool. And so thank you for putting it in the materials and giving us a framework to deal with this difficult emotion.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay. So obviously you’re very, very welcome. And I just have to share with everybody here, what tickled me as you were sharing about it is first of all, concrete and practical is like my middle name. And when you hear your own students tell you, yes, I was able to use it immediately, that is literally my goal with every podcast episode, with what I teach in The Makeover and The MBA is what can you use right now?
I feel like a dream has come true, another angel will get her wings as we’re recording this. And then the other thing that really tickled me, I just have to share it with everybody is you said, “I never heard of this tool before and then you presented it in the workshop and I was so happy.” And I was like, you’ve never heard of it before, because I made it up.
You never heard of it because I created it. And I literally created it in the process of Coaching a client who had this anger that was like, with the socks were on the floor versus some other major thing, it was all the same. And I was like, okay, how are we going to work through this?
And then I really thought about a dimmer switch or a scale or something like that. And in using it, and I want everyone to sort of hear this too, whether it’s a podcast episode you’re listening to or a tool you using the makeover, for myself, when I created it, I was like, this is the anger scale. We’ll use it to help her do this thing in this way.
And as I’ve used it now over the last few years, I’m like, oh, we can do this with any emotion. We can put fear here. Am I at a fear 10 or am at a fear two? Oh, so if I’m at a fear two, I’m just going to do the thing, right? If I’m at a fear 10, maybe I need to talk to my Coach, maybe I need to talk to a therapist, maybe I need help to process that fear.
Maybe I need some other modality. Maybe I need to do some yoga first and get myself back to center. Right? So for everything that I teach, whether it’s in the makeover or in any other format, it’s a living, breathing thing that you can take.
I taught it this way for this purpose, but I just want to encourage you here, who are with me live and everyone who’s listening, oh, I can use it this way. Go use it. Absolutely, you have my blessing. And then send me an email and tell me what you did. I want to know. So awesome. So good.
Ann Burrish:
I say, and as I’ve gotten comfortable using it, noticing it, my shorthand if this is useful to anybody is just I’ll think how important is it, because I’m familiar with the scale, then it is just a shorthand of way of thinking, let it go or know that I could let it go or that I need to act on it for my own sanity or whatever.
Maggie Reyes:
Love it. How important is it? I love the beauty of one simple, powerful question. As you all know, just listening to the podcast, I ask questions all the time. I give you questions to think about. I always remember that old Tony Robbins quote, that the quality of your life is based on the quality of your questions.
And so I’m always thinking how can I upgrade the questions I’m asking of myself or how I’m thinking about something. It’s just how important is it? It’s that simple. Where do I want to rate it? What number do I want to give it? So simple. And then it’s an easy way to bring that into your everyday practice of it so much.
So for each of you, and we’re going to go ahead and start with Karin, what is one thing you want to share today? Whatever’s on your mind that you want to share that you think is meaningful, important to someone who just wants to make their marriage better.
Karin Reynolds:
Pay $97 and join the program. It’s really true. It’s a really no brainer, really great tool. And as I say, you get free Coaching monthly with Maggie. That’s very helpful. And also, I wanted to add, we are both trained in the same school. A very helpful tool is the model.
And for example, the model teaches thoughts, create feelings. And so whenever I feel a very strong feeling like anger or fear, I can always check or I self Coach and basically check, what am I thinking? Is it a survival brain thought or is this real? Is there a tiger in the front yard or is it just my imagination that I’m going to die now?
So checking in with my thinking, where is it coming from? How real is it? How important is it? So that’s a very, very helpful tool to navigate through your day. I think joining the program and really, as I said before, the power of your thoughts that we are thinking 60,000 thoughts a day and not all thoughts are powerful. And that we are the creator, the thoughts creator results. And so we can create thoughts that help us create what we actually want in our marriage.
Maggie Reyes:
Yes. I love that so much. So two things. I do offer bonus monthly calls inside The Marriage Mindset Makeover. They are bonus calls that I announce from time to time. So the schedule might change, things might be different.
Whoever’s listening to this may be some point in the future that might have evolved. But at this time, there are our monthly bonus calls. And when you join, you get the schedule for when they’re happening and what’s going on so that you can join those.
And I recently did a podcast episode called Thought Work and the Self-Coaching Model. We will link to that in the show notes. So I really did a whole overview of how I think about it and how I teach it. And inside the makeover I also walk you through the same tool in a very, very simplified way.
And there’s a worksheet that accompanies. So if you’ve used the tool before, you’ll see how I like to approach using that tool. And if you’ve never heard of this tool before, you will see me in a very simple and concrete and applicable way. Paula said, explain it so that you can start using it immediately. So thank you for that. Paula, what’s one thing you want to just share today? Anything that’s on your mind.
Paula Price:
Maggie, there’s so much going through in my mind. Which one do I pick? Which one do I pick? I’m going to share one that I just wanted to share because I love this idea and it was so brand new to me when you introduced it. And so for anyone who hasn’t heard it, who listens to your podcast, I think it’s really impactful.
And it was this concept that you introduced, that you do not need to understand something in order to love it. And the example you used was the internet. None of us understands, well, maybe you do, I don’t, how the internet works. We’re by the grace of the internet, we’re able to connect with each other. Your listeners are able to listen to this podcast. It’s is amazing. And yet we don’t understand it.
And when we think about the people in our lives who are close to us, our spouses, our children, our friends, we may not understand what it is that they’re doing or how they’re thinking. But we don’t need to, in order to love them, nor did they need to understand us to love us.
And I don’t know where I got this idea. It might have been all those rom-coms that I watched with growing up where it’s like you feel like you need to be understood to be loved or to love someone else. And I don’t think we need that. And so it like cuts out that obstacle.
If you’re putting that as a rope block that you need to understand me for us to really love each other, no. But you can just love and not understand. And that’s okay. So I think that’s a really wonderful concept that you shared.
Maggie Reyes:
I love that you pointed that out. And I think for anything that I teach, I just want to remind everyone that there’s this place in our brain where we go to all or nothing thinking that isn’t useful. So it doesn’t mean there is not a place for understanding and that there aren’t things that we can understand better or work through understanding.
But what I’ve seen is so many people get blocked and start fights and arguments because they seek understanding above all else. And that tool or concept is really just designed to say, wait, are you blocking the love that’s already there because you’re seeking this thing that you think will give you love when you could just choose the love?
And you may have understanding about some things and not about others. So I love that you pointed that out. I found it so impactful whenever I talk about it. I’m glad that it’s going to be also on this podcast for everyone who hasn’t heard me say that yet. Ann, what is one thing you want to share?
Ann Burrish:
Kind of riffing off what Paula said, that I agree 100%. And also carrying on in that line, just the idea that there are, I can’t remember exactly how you phrase it, but unsolvable problems. And so what? Look for common ground, and then just accept that that’s life.
And then tied into that, one thing that was impactful for me is that you articulated, I think it was one of the day’s themes, was to always be friending. And I consider myself be a really great friend. I don’t know if unconditional love is the term you would use, but for my children and for most of my friends, I have that, but I realized I was more judgemental and critical towards my husband.
And it was partly because, and I consider myself an empowered person and that I turned myself and I’m, once again, digressing, turned myself into a victim because of my own narrative, my own story. I’m also a Coach in probably the same school that you guys are. It was like an, ooh, that’s not too pleasant to realize, but it was extremely useful.
And then the other thing is that, and this is from a podcast with Adam Brady that I’ve listened to probably four times, he says that we’re all doing the best we can from our level of consciousness, which also ties in that we don’t have to understand, we don’t have to of think that people need to be the same as us. We can just love.
Maggie Reyes:
So we’re going to talk about Adam Brady for a moment. So I have a podcast called The Art of Holding Space with a fabulous human named Adam Brady. And it is one of my favorite things to talk about and he’s my favorite person to talk about it with.
So Adam is a teacher and a meditation teacher and just a really like Renaissance human. And he teaches at the Deepak Chopra Institute. And he wrote my favorite article about holding space, which is how he ended up on the podcast.
So Adam Brady is one of those people who I don’t think a lot of people have heard of. It’s like when you discover a new rock band and nobody knows them yet. This is how I feel about Adam Brady. Everybody should know who he is. We will link to that episode in the show notes so you can listen to him and I talk about holding space.
And that idea that we’re all showing up at the level of consciousness that we’re capable of, this is what we’re capable of today. Tomorrow, we might be capable of something else. To hold that with loving compassion for ourselves and for our partners is incredibly powerful. I’m so glad that you mentioned that too.
Ann Burrish:
Thanks. And if I can just be briefly, and for me in holding space, for one thing, then I’m quiet and actually listening to myself and to others. And also, then that creates literally the space for a bunch of stuff, to not be reactive. And also just to have the space to consider, or to notice that awareness is, I think Paula said at the beginning, there’s that awareness that allows just more peace and love.
Maggie Reyes:
Yes. Yes. So beautiful. So powerful. Okay. So one of my favorite things to do is at the end of every podcast interview, ask a question from The Questions for Couple’s Journal. And I’m so excited, because I’m going to ask all three of you the same question and see what your answer is.
So here’s the question for today. We’re going to start with Karin. What is a simple and fun way that you and your partner either could show love to each other, or show love to each other now?
Karin Reynolds:
Okay. So for us, as I said before, it’s dancing because it’s a nice way to touch, to hug, to kiss and just do something fun at the end of the day. So that’s what we do. And it’s amazing how movement, dancing changes the mood immediately.
Maggie Reyes:
I love that so much. So everyone listening. When was the last time you danced with your partner? If it wasn’t last week or last month, life Coach homework for everybody from Karin and me, is dance. Plan it for this week. See when you’re going to do it and do it.
Unless you hate dancing, in which case you make it your own, choose your thing. Okay. Ann, I’m going to ask the question again. What is a simple and fun way that you and your partner either show love to each other or could show love to each other?
Ann Burrish:
Well, we tuck each other in at night. I like to read in bed, he likes to read in the living room. And also this is, I think it’s hopefully not TMI, but I’m a night owl. We sleep in different bedrooms. And so whoever gets in bed first, then the other one gets in bed and it could be just a little like touching your foot under the covers or could be a kiss or just a hug or whatever. But anyway, that’s our thing.
Maggie Reyes:
I love that so much. And Ann, I’m going to actually pause on that. So Ann has been married 41 years and they sleep in different bedrooms. And the reason I’m pausing to say that is we make the marriage that works for us.
We make the decisions that work for us. It doesn’t have to look like anybody else’s decisions. It doesn’t have to look like anybody else’s marriage. Karin dances with her husband all the time. Maybe you won’t dance with your husband all the time.
My husband and I, the most recent thing we danced to was Shake It Off. Shake It Off. We had a stressful thing and we both were shaking in the kitchen and it was absolutely hilarious. So whatever works for you, I really want this podcast to always take a stand for you create the marriage that works for you and it never has to look like anybody else’s.
And I love having examples like this. Like you can dance, you can have different rooms, you can have different ways of doing marriage. You choose the ones that work for you. Okay. Paula, what is a simple and fun way that you and your partner show love to each other?
Paula Price:
I love this question. And Karin, I totally have to do the dancing thing because my husband is a dancer and I’m not, but I know it would work. He’d love it so much. So the simple thing, simple and fun for us I think is last. To me, laughter is love.
It is what connects me to others. And we had this wonderful example this morning. We were all sitting at the breakfast table. My son has his spelling test today. And so I was encouraging him to do his spelling test and he said “No way.” I was encouraging him to practice the words.
And so I was like, “Okay, well I guess we’ll all do them together.” And so my husband started misspelling the words on purpose. And then of course, that got everybody in a big discussion and all that. And it was like this moment where we’re sitting at the table, all of us, and yet I could feel very strongly connected to my husband because it’s like we had this little thing together, this little joke.
So to me, this simple and fun is finding those moments where we can share laughter and that really, I feel, brings us closer together.
Maggie Reyes:
That is so beautiful, so phenomenal. On that note, we will wrap up this episode today. I just thank you from the bottom of my heart for all three of you for saying yes to spending some time together with me and with every listener in The Marriage Life Coach Podcast community today for sharing your stories, for sharing your love.
I really believe this is how we create the world we want to live in, is by pouring more love into it. I believe all of us, by here, talking about love, by listening about love, by creating more love in the world, this is revolutionary what we do. And it seems so simple, but it is so powerful. So thank you for being here. Thank you, everyone. We will be back soon with more ways to make your marriage stronger. Bye.