Click here to download a full PDF version
Maggie Reyes:
Hello everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. We have an amazing episode planned for you today. I have Samantha Nivens here. She is a member of the Marriage Mindset Makeover, and she is someone that if you join the Marriage Mindset Makeover or have been in it and watch the monthly calls, you will see the whole, it’s like watching a romance movie evolve live because you will see like all the different things that have come up in her relationship throughout our coaching together.
And so if you’re in it, she’ll be a beautiful and familiar face. And if you haven’t joined yet, when you watch the recordings of the videos, of the coaching calls, you will see her whole story unfold. Which is amazing. So thank you for saying yes. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being so openhearted in your coaching and so openhearted in all of your sharing today. I’m just so excited to have you here. So welcome.
Samantha Nivens:
Thank you Maggie. It is seriously such an honor and pleasure to be here. I feel like I am bursting at the seams to be able to show people what’s possible.
Maggie Reyes:
That’s so exciting. So I wanna dive into wherever you wanna start. First, tell us a little bit about who you are, what you do in the world. Just like give us an introduction and then let’s dive in. Cause I know you have a lot you wanna talk about.
Samantha Nivens:
Okay, great. So Samantha Nivens, I’m a health and life coach. I help busy men and women to create no-brainer healthy habits with gaining energy, losing the weight for the last time, and just simply feeling better. And doing that all like, so it helps every area of your life, right? I really believe if you have that foundation that you can do all the things, you can live a better life. I’m a speaker, I’m an ultra-marathon athlete. I’m a mom of two little dudes and of course dating my dream man.
Maggie Reyes:
So amazing. Okay, so before we started recording, Samantha told me she has notes, she’s prepared, she has points you wanna make, so I’m just gonna hand it over to you, you tell me what you wanna share, and then we’ll just talk about it as we go through, so, okay.
Samantha Nivens:
Okay. Super. I’ll start with, so I do have multiple points I wanted to share and I think the most powerful one for me that I learned from you and your coaching and the Mindset Makeover, and you have a podcast on it, is the power of one.
Literally, life changing, game changing concept. And I guess I’ll start sharing even from there, like what my journey kind of looked like so people get an idea. So I was married for five years and have two kids, two boys with them.
And the last year of it, it fell apart. And so I separated. And I knew that I wanted to find my dream man after that, like all along. But I wanted my dream man and I wanted this dream relationship. I wanted to have a happy, successful marriage or relationship at the very least.
Right? And so, I knew that I had to do some work for myself. And so I met my boyfriend who, now it’ll be two years in November, Maggie. We started dating a few months after I separated because I basically had eight months to grieve and go through that process. So I was ready to find my dream man, found him, and then within a few months joined the Mindset Makeover.
Because I was like, okay, I recognize like there’s something I can do, too, to create this dream relationship and have this dream partnership. And so I wanted all the tools, I was like, give me the tools. Like let me just not do this alone. And so I joined, and that was one of the first concepts you learn.
And there’s something else I wanna say about day one concept, but I’m gonna keep going with the power of one right now. So that concept blew my mind because it allowed me to take full responsibility for my role in the relationship. Meaning like, I don’t think I necessarily did that in the past one.
I was thinking more of like a princess, like somebody this dream relationship just happens and like, you know, the guy should maybe do all this or lead. And not to say he didn’t have his responsibilities, but that was where I didn’t own up to mine and, it’s so freaking powerful. Like I wanna – yes, I’m gonna share the other things that I learned.
But I have shared this with so many other women, mamas especially, and people in relationships like it is not up to our partners to make us happy and to give us this dream marriage relationship. And every time, like we’ve had an argument, or even just in general, when I think about the best relationship, like that five star relationship, I am like the power of one. What can I do in this situation? What can I do overarching, if I’m just thinking big picture? Or if it’s in that one moment, in that situation, that argument, what can I do?
And oh my God, then I do it. Okay. So that’s the, I do it, but I take a step back and I pause to ask myself that question and it has literally, any argument or situation or a thing that’s come up or big decision, right, those two, that power of one has allowed me to lead. And to lead from the front and to put, when I have that responsibility, then I’m in control and I have the power. And from that I make powerful actions and choices. And it’s just blossomed our relationship because of that, versus feeling resentful or feeling like, I can’t do anything because of him or, this is just the way it is and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. Whenever we think this is just the way it is and there’s nothing I can do about it, we’re just abdicating our power to do anything about it at all. So we may not be able to change everything, but we can change one thing. Right? And I used to work in HR and I always remember we had one of those, you kind of thought it was a cheesy video at the time, but now I really love it.
Which it was a little boy at the beach throwing starfish back into the ocean. So we used to show this in trainings all the time, and so this little boy is at the beach. Throwing these starfish back in the ocean. And an old man comes in.
By the way, there’s new ones on YouTube where it’s a girl and a woman, which very divided by, but the one that we used to use was.- And he would come and he’d say, oh, why are you throwing the starfish in the ocean? You’re not gonna be able to save all of them. Like, why do you even bother?
Right? Why even bother? We can’t fix the whole thing. So I even bought it, and then the little boy turns to the old man and says, well, I helped that one, I saved that one. And I think that what you’re describing is, like we may not be able to resolve every single situation in our relationship.
And in fact, it’s likely that we won’t. Because according to research from the Gottman Institute, most couples have unsolvable problems. Right? So it’s likely there are a bunch of things we won’t solve. It’s fine, but we can make progress and feel better. And like you said, I love that word blossom. And blossom even with whatever else is going on.
So I love that. So for someone who’s never heard the power of one, they’re like, that sounds amazing, Samantha. I talk about it on the podcast all the time. How would you tell someone what the power of one is?
Samantha Nivens:
Oh, that’s great. Honestly, the first thought that just comes to my mind is taking personal responsibility for what you can do for yourself, for the relationship. Like what can you do to change the outcome to get the desired outcome or result that you want versus abdicating, putting that responsibility on your partner?
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah, so a hundred percent nailed it as a fabulous student of the program. And I just wanna add a couple of things because on the podcast I do a mix of sharing things that are like my intuition, thoughts that I have, concepts that I’ve created.
So I talk about the five star marriage, and that’s a concept that I sort of developed on my own. But this idea of the power of one, there’s unique things to the way that I teach it, but it’s really based on systems steering and psychology. Systems steering and psychology is this hypothesis that has been studied and tested for many years, that is when one element in a system changes, the other elements in the system respond to that change.
So in a marriage, if the system is these two people, when I start being more loving or more kind, or showing up and being more patient, the person, it’s not that they magically heal whatever’s going on, they’re just responding to my kindness.
And I always like to joke around, some of you genuinely are married to jerks, but most of you aren’t. Most of you, and most of us are just married to people that sometimes have bad days. Right? And when we lead with love, when we lead from that place of like, wait, what could I do here? Now they’re responding to that too.
Samantha Nivens:
Oh my gosh. Yeah. And I just had a thought came out from there. I don’t even know if I wrote it down here, but I feel like too, cuz I’m thinking of, you give some examples and just some of the other coaching that we get all in, on the power of one. And like one of those examples was like when she started to be nicer to her husband.
And through those things he finally then one day brought her the Starbucks coffee. Cause he was thinking of her and was like, and she said, that hadn’t happened- it gives me goosebumps- in five years.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. It gives me goosebumps too.
Samantha Nivens:
And like, and that is such an example of the power of one that I kind of wanted to share and even pull out cuz I feel like honestly prior to coaching, here and just in general, I really wasn’t taking full personal responsibility. Full personal responsibility. Not, you know, 60, 70%, but a hundred percent. And I feel like for people sometimes it may be “yeah, but it’s his.”
No, but you know, like you just wanna hold onto that so bad. No, but the world. No, but my family, whatever.
And, and it’s hard, I feel like, to grasp that concept of what does that look like? What does that mean? And I feel like you do such a good job in your podcast, in the Mindset Makeover, in coaching , to show you what that looks like. And I feel like for anybody that would feel like, well, I don’t know what to do, or that feels like a cliche concept, take personal responsibility.
Get coaching and you’ll see, you will, you will see it will, you can embody the power of one.
Maggie Reyes:
So I’ll say this, the question I ask myself every year, I choose a word for the year that I like live into. And one of the years previous, I chose the word ‘own’ as my word. And the whole year, every day I would ask myself, if I owned this, how would I handle it?
Even for things I didn’t own, right? Like, so let’s say it’s like the cousins are arguing whatever something else is going on, but I’m there and I’m like, well, if I owned this, what would I do? And I was like, maybe I’ll just bring Uno to the party so we can all just laugh a little and you know, smack talk each other and not whatever.
So I would ask myself that over and over and over again. And I still, this morning I had to make a decision about something and I was like, wait, if I owned this, I know we both did this together, but if I owned it a hundred percent, even though I know that person has some responsibility and has other things, but if I own it a hundred percent, what would I do?
And it always opens my mind to a different thing than what I started with at the beginning.
Samantha Nivens:
Oh, I love that. And okay. And then the last thing that’s come up on saying this too is like, say if our partner is having a bad day, it’s happened. You know? He’s had a bad day.
I will. And when, even when that happens, it has nothing to do with me. Right? It could just be from work, could just be whatever you’re feel he’s feeling crappy that day. I will think to myself, the power with the power of one concept, I’m like, what could I do to help him have a better day? What could I do to help this situation?
That has nothing to do with an argument or something between us, but I’m just like, what could I do to help this?
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah, and I love the way you phrased it, is what could I do to help him have a better day? That doesn’t mean that you’re responsible for his happiness or that you’re taking on his problems or that, anything like that.
Like I wanna be really clear, it’s just can I contribute to some levity here? Can I contribute to something kind or nice, like my husband works in it, he gets audited all the time and or it seems like all the time, I dunno. But he gets audited and those are usually sort of stressful times, just a lot of very long meetings and stuff.
And so he’ll come home and I’ll be like, what do you wanna have for dinner? Do you wanna go to your favorite restaurant? Do you wanna have your favorite dessert? Or we’ll pick what to watch on tv. I’ll be like, Oh, it’s hubby’s choice today. Like, what do you wanna do? Right? It’s like that tiny little thing that, it just puts a smile on their face and then just gives them one little moment of joy happens.
And of course, because with the power of one, you start building like a relationship culture where he may not have thought about it, you know, as deeply as you and I have on this podcast, but he’ll come one day and he’ll see me having a bad day. He’ll be like, hey, you wanna get some ice cream? You wanna watch your favorite show? What do you wanna do? Right? Because that’s how we now show up. Right?
Samantha Nivens:
Yes. And to that, that is like the ripple effect. And the power of one. If you start doing that, it’s like, whoa.
Maggie Reyes:
I love it so much. Okay. Tell us what’s next on your list.
Samantha Nivens:
Okay, so next is, so in, I think this is in day one of the makeover, first off, is the overall idea of who do I want to be in my relationship?
And this. And I like related all of these to yes, I came out of a separation and coming into my dream man where I was like, I will never settle in my life again. Like that. That was like a hard line where I already had a lot of like, this is who I am going forward, this is what I want. But hearing that concept, at that point in time of like, who do I want to be?
Again, going back to, in this relationship, who do I have to show up as, to find that dream man? To keep that dream man? Like who do I have to be? So that was a huge concept and I think anyone could use that. Whether you are, you’ve been in a marriage for 10 years. Like we can all, we can change today, right?
Who we want to be. So that was huge for me to define. Like who am I? Because this was such a new chapter and season and stage in my life that I got to decide that like this, you know, I didn’t have to be maybe a people pleasing, not opening, like not communicating kind of more like in the back versus like I was like nuhuh.
Like I am a bold, powerful queen of a woman. That’s who I am.
Maggie Reyes:
Okay. Wait, say that again.
Samantha Nivens:
I am a bold, powerful queen of a woman. Take that everybody.
Maggie Reyes:
I love it. Take that on everybody. We grow up. I mean, and nobody, we don’t learn this in high school or, you know what I mean? Like there’s no class on who do you wanna become?
Right? And the idea that we’re just reacting to life, like most of us go through the beginnings of our life just reacting to whatever’s in front of us. But if we proactively choose, well, I wanna be someone who’s generous. I wanna be someone who leads from a loving place. Then once you’ve decided that, then you’re like, well what does that look like?
What would I do? Like if I was being generous, I wouldn’t be stingy. Right? That it gives you a North, I’m always about giving you a North, So in the Mindset Makeover, the North is really like, who do you wanna be? And then in the Marriage MBA, we talk about our values and, and it’s still that same idea, like what is my North Star?
What is my guiding intention? And once we have a guiding intention, I always think about it like if you were in the forest at night and you needed a flashlight and you remembered nothing else that I ever taught you or that you ever listened on the podcast, but you remembered who you wanna be.
That’s the flashlight that gets you out of the forest.
Samantha Nivens:
Yes, I love that analogy and I agree with that a hundred percent. Cuz then it like, if anything, whether it was something that I was just dealing with myself and didn’t bring up in the relationship, but I could always go back to be like, okay, as a queen and as someone who is powerful and strong in herself. How do I show up to this relationship? How do I communicate with him? How do I say what I want? Yes. It all comes through that true North.
Maggie Reyes:
Love that so much. And even thinking as a queen that I’m powerful and I can show up and I can choose all of these things and I’m exquisitely taken care of. So it’s not about me doing all the things or being all the things all the time. It’s just like, oh, and I also receive exquisitely as I give.
Samantha Nivens:
Yes. So good. Okay. And so from that day one also, was I am, and to that point, who I am. I am a woman who communicates lovingly and powerfully. That thought.
I have literally used, Maggie, throughout our entire relationship and oh, fyi, everybody, like you’ll see in the Mindset Makeover, but from the moment we started dating, it’s now been almost two years, come November, and we have moved in together and I do have two kids, so he’s become bonus dad and all the plans for marriage and that later, like that’s how far we’ve come.
And I’ve used that thought. I’m a woman who communicates powerfully and lovingly, which honestly was maybe like more of the hard part for me cuz I’m a very strong, independent woman, but, and so, you know, I have some defensiveness, like I have that like strong, you know, I wanna be right stuff.
So that loving part for me was, but both of them, that thought has taken me so far in my relationship.
Maggie Reyes:
I wanna pause there and say something to everyone that I think is so powerful that I’m noticing in what you’re saying that I’ve done in my own personal development work, which is you took one thought and you lived into that thought over and over and over and over again for really for the last two years.
And so I’m a woman who communicates powerfully and lovingly. And something that I see when we start working in personal development is sort of like, we want all the thoughts and we want every tool, and we want all the things. And there’s just like this sense of urgency and almost panic sometimes around things.
And really some of the most powerful transformations I’ve ever had and that I’ve ever seen is just taking one thing and really drilling down into that every day, or as often as practical. We’re human, We’re gonna make mistakes, we’re gonna have mess ups. I always say nothing in your life has to be perfect to be awesome.
A hundred percent always. That is the truth. But the simplicity of that, the simplicity of just living into that thought, oh, if I was really a woman who communicated powerfully and loving, how would I address this? How would I address that? What would I, what would it be like? And I just wanna really just share with everyone all, we’re gonna talk about so many things today.
At the end of today’s episode, pick one of these things. To live into and just let yourself watch what happens. Take it like a science test. Like we have a hypothesis. If we do this, what, what will occur? And just see.
Samantha Nivens:
I love that. That’s one of my, that’s one of my favorite things about your coaching, Maggie, is like, there’s always that takeaway.
Like, this is the takeaway. Pick the one thing. Okay. Let me see.
Okay. The next one I had, I feel like these are all so huge, but again, this was one that came up multiple times since I got coached on it, which I think is maybe within the last six months, I have a say. I always have a say.
So I can’t remember the particular circumstance for that, but this thought was so powerful for me, and, and I think for a lot of women and, and especially mamas again, where we’re like, we think we have to do all the things and that like, this is just how it is. And, and that’s kind of what it was in my past relationship.
And so this time it was like brain blowing when I was like, that’s right. I do have a say. I always have a say in this. I think it was in regards to financials, and it could even be with the moving in thing, but I have a say.
Maggie Reyes:
I think that that’s so powerful. First of all, if you’re in the makeover, you can watch us talk about this in real time when she was going through it. But the idea that it doesn’t mean your partner’s gonna do everything you say, and it’s not gonna mean, it doesn’t mean you’re gonna do everything your partner says. It’s just we both have a say. We both get to collaborate to create the thing we want, and we don’t wanna just defer to whatever the partner says or whatever, or always be the one deciding.
Like if it’s lopsided in either direction, what happens with that is it never leads you to thriving. So we really don’t want it to be lopsided. What we want is a friendship, which I call sexy besties. And, just thinking about whatever sexual connection is meaningful to you, and then the emotional connection of being besties.
So a bestie situation. It’s never like one person always decides every single thing, right? That would not work. It doesn’t work in marriage either. Although we let ourselves be in those roles. And we also have moments where this person always decides about this group of things and this person always decides about this group of things and we just wanna shake that up a little.
However you have that set up right now, especially if you’re feeling any kind of resentment or or frustration about it, they say no. What if you had a say, then what would you do?
Samantha Nivens:
So good. This next one related to us financially, but also you coached others on this and I’ve taken this concept just in the relationship in general is, what does success look like for us?
So like anytime coming to the table, like I came to the table with a financial question. You know, how do I do this? Like how do we do this together? And then you came with, well what does success look like for you guys? And it was like, oh, that’s a good question. I don’t even know. So to answer that question, and that could be in whatever area of the marriage or relationship it is, but like what does a successful relationship or marriage or finances in the marriage look like?
And that question was so powerful for me to answer.
Maggie Reyes:
I love that so much. So we will link to Soul Centered Communication in the show notes for this episode cuz it’s one of the concepts I teach, I don’t teach inside Makeover directly, but it’s something I refer to a lot and I definitely have a whole workshop on it in the Marriage MBA.
But one of the principles of social communication, the first one, the U is being solution focused. So it’s like, what does success look like here? What would resolution look like? What are you looking for? What do you want? And the amount of times that it’s like people are arguing or upset or suffering and no one has sat down to say, well wait, what do we actually want here?
Right. And that just cuts through well, oh, I just want a hug. Oh, I just want to be able to watch the football game for five hours and you know, take a break. Like, oh, okay, well we can make that happen. Like, that’s right. The things most of us want are surprisingly simple.
Samantha Nivens:
Cause I think to that, it’s just, you know, all the thoughts are in our head and we have these stories made up and that was even something you had said and it’s like, yeah, but did you actually like define what that means and have a conversation about that?
Maggie Reyes:
I love that. Did you define what that means? So something that happens a lot, and it might be happening to you if you’re listening to us, is you want to feel more connected. And then my clients will come in to the makeover or to the MBA and I’ll be like, what is happening on a Tuesday? Because feeling more connected.
If we just had that as a goal, we never have an actual concrete thing that we could look on our calendar and say it happened or it didn’t. So it’s a recipe for a frustration when we don’t get specific and for everybody connected feels different, including for your partner. So I might feel more connected if we cuddle watching a rom com. Right? My husband might feel more connected if we go for a walk and he tells me about his day.
And if all I want is to feel more connected, I can never know did it happen? Did I do it? Did I create, so I’m always asking stuff like that, like what’s happening on a Tuesday? If you felt more connected, what would be different than what’s happening now?
And then we can know whether you did it or you didn’t do it.
Samantha Nivens:
So good. Okay. And actually to that point, the soul centered communication obviously got brought up multiple times. And you have that podcast on it. I think if you haven’t listened to it, you need to start there, and I, and I’ve listened to it actually a couple times and I’ve recommended it to so many people because.
That soul centered communication, communicating in that way is so powerful. And, and then that also goes to me like being that woman who, the woman who communicates powerfully and lovingly. And, and having a say like, and when I do that with Soul center communication, we get results, we move forward.
Like we have this loving relationship. So I think the Soul Center communication is such a powerful tool.
Maggie Reyes:
I love that so much. We’re not gonna go into all the steps on this episode so you can listen to the other one and where I really go into a lot of detail, but here’s what I’ll say about it is one of the reasons I developed that concept was I work with one person, right?
And a lot of the communication models that exist in the world, that both people have to be doing the model and both you, you say this and then I say that and lemme do like, which is great. And if that works for people, that’s awesome. But my challenge to myself, it’s almost like I gave myself a puzzle to solve.
It’s like, how can I create something that’s super easy to remember, super easy to practice, and it only takes one person doing the things. To implement. And so we already talked about the the sole, the S part, which is solution focused. What do I actually want? Sometimes you just stop there and you’re done.
And I’ll just tell you the U one, which is being uncomplicated. So each of the, each of the letters has a thing. Being uncomplicated is like talking about one thing, one thing only, and then the next thing, it is one of the things that will change all your conversations with everybody, because most of us either talk in circles, add more things to it.
I always think about, okay, we’re gonna go to the beach and then we’re gonna go to the mall, and then we’re gonna go to brunch. And then suddenly one conversation about one thing is now like five different activities. You know, two clothes changes, like all this different stuff that’s going on, as opposed to, wait, where are we going first?
Are we going to brunch? Okay, so that’s just a side brunch. Where are we going? Right? One thing at a time, one thing alone. Then the next thing that will just impact your communication and make it so much more powerful. And because you know that what happens is if people go off track, you bring them back, you’re like, wait, the beach and the brunch and the mall, okay, which one do you wanna decide first?
Like, you’re the person bringing it back on track.
Samantha Nivens:
I thank you for putting that point on that, because that’s what I was like thinking too with this is like, because I have done soul central communication, and it’s not like it’s perfect, right? So like multiple times he wants to, we’ll go down that road.
And I’m like, nope, this is where we’re at. This is the situation we’re doing right now. And like he has started to pick up on that. Like, we’re gonna talk about the one thing that’s going on right now
Maggie Reyes:
I love it so much. Okay. What’s next?
Samantha Nivens:
Okay, let’s see. Ooh. Okay. The next one is, we are a team.
And I know that seems like an obvious one probably for maybe a lot of folks, especially if they’ve been married a long time. But this was kind of a new concept to me because I didn’t have a teammate in my last relationship and I didn’t feel like we were a team. So I started to just go on my own island.
And so I wanted, and actually this is funny because I went back to the calls. This was like one of the first calls, this concept and thought I was like, oh yeah, we need to be a team. And then it came up a year later. But it’s just such a profound shift for me when thinking about including him and more things and what does this relationship and marriage look like when we are a team to solve these little things or problems that were coming up on my end.
And I was like, oh. If we’re a team, this just solves those things.
Maggie Reyes:
Yeah. I think that most of us, unless you’re like working with a life coach, listening to a podcast like this one, most of us go through life as individual contributors. It’s like, I do my thing and then you do your thing and sometimes our things overlap.
But when you’re a team, and, and I know many people have been married decades that never, it never crossed their mind that they were a team. They got married and then they kept living as if they were single. Right? And so it’s like, wait, but if we’re a team, we’re creating something together, then I want what works for me a hundred percent.
I’m not giving up what works for me, but I also wanna know what works for you and if what works for me doesn’t work for you, what is a third new thing that works for both of us? And that’s really what that’s all about. And we will link to another podcast called Team versus Alliance. Where I really go in depth and I kind of explain that, and they talk about it in the makeover too.
So if you’re not in the makeover, we will link to the makeover in the show notes. But I can tell you maggiereyes.com/makeover. It’s $97. Just get yourself in there. Like seriously
Samantha Nivens:
Can I, I’m just gonna like talk too, on that point. Like we talked a little just before this, but that was even one of the things I wanted to say to people is like literally I’ve declared the Mindset Makeover the best investment I made last year.
And y’all, it’s $97. So like, I don’t know why. And I do know that some folks are like, Yeah, maybe it’s not even a cost issue, right? They’re like, yeah, got it. Okay. But they might be thinking, but I don’t have the time to do this. Or like, you have to put all this time into this.
And I wanted to offer them that you don’t, I think I like binge watched some of the videos from the start. But like, I have probably done the bare minimum. Like if, if I was like getting graded, I would be like a C student here because I literally just, you know, watched a bunch of the videos from the start and then showed up to probably 70%, 60% of the once a month coaching call that you’ve offered. And with that, like I have a page full of freaking notes and transformation, a thriving relationship in all the ways from those calls – are one hour each month. And then I took the notes and I just ran with that. I didn’t go back into the modules every single month or every single week.
You offer all of the things, but like what you were already saying, just pick the one thing. And my one thing was essentially doing the group coaching call. And taking the notes from it and then moving forward with that.
Maggie Reyes:
I love that so much. I would, I wanna offer, one thing is I would not label you a C student at all and give you an A plus, plus, plus, because that’s the whole idea is not just learning, but implementing. So even if you, so far, everyone listening, even if you watched one of the videos or one of the recordings of one of the calls and take one thing and did that one thing and then shifted something in your relationship, that’s the goal.
But I try to do, what I see is my responsibility as a coach is how can I stack the deck in your favor where you have a guided meditation, you have some journaling prompts. There’s so many things that if the workshops don’t call to you, do the journaling prompts. If the journaling prompts don’t call to you, do the guided meditation every day for like 30 days.
Like I put so much. It’s a very simple program, so I don’t wanna say, I’m gonna put so much in there cuz it’s actually very simple. But it’s like, I put enough things in there that my thought about it is it would be impossible for you to engage with the program and not make progress. Like the only way you don’t make progress is if you don’t open it.
Samantha Nivens:
Exactly. I love that. You’re, you’re right. Yes. That is just doing the work, whatever that is for you, if that’s one thing that’s perfect. And the results that I’ve gotten from simply doing that are profound. I actually will just say something here from one of the other points I wanted to make.
I feel, because this is lifetime access, right? It’s like I can, I know that I’ve got all those tools in there. I have my deck stacked for me. So if anything happens, I can always just go in there. If there is a certain situation and maybe there’s not a coaching call that week, I can just go look, okay, where do I need to pull and get support?
And so I feel like I have this little Maggie Angel on my shoulder, where you are with me. For my relationship, for all the things like for the rest of my life, like I have my own Maggie marriage relationship coach on my shoulder. I am never alone in this. I never have to feel like I don’t have the support and that if anything happens, I’m literally like, okay, when is the call?
Or what do I need from this? Or what in my notes do I need to reflect back on? I dunno about like anybody, like when you hear that, but I’m just like, that’s amazing. For the rest of my life, I have my Maggie Angel on my shoulder. There’s no way my marriage cannot thrive or my relationship cannot thrive.
No way.
Maggie Reyes:
I love it. And here’s what I wanna say about that. That Maggie voice you have on your shoulder is really the most loving, compassionate version of yourself. Yyou think it’s me cause you hear me talk all the time, so everybody listening to the podcast. If you’ve listened to it for a while and you have something come up, you’re like, well, what would Maggie say?
You think of something. But when you ask yourself that question, it’s really because I represent, it’s not me personally. Which is fine. I just represent the loving, compassionate part of yourself, which you have access to 24/7 all the time. I’m proud to represent that for people, so feel free to do that.
But I always wanna remind you that I might teach you a concept or give you a question or a prompt, but that ultimately that voice is really your voice.
Samantha Nivens:
Yeah. And, and I think it’s helpful for me to, you know, have that visual thought of that. Where it’s like, okay, I’m not, because that is something I’ve just learned in general on my own self-growth journey is like, is that I do know, but it is hard I think, for us to pull that out.
I learn that still every day. So sometimes having that coach or whatever that angel like your shoulder is like, Wait, can you remind me? Okay. I got this .
Maggie Reyes:
I love it so much. It’s so good. Okay, what else?
Samantha Nivens:
Okay, so my, back to my little list here. So the next one was, I get to choose my deal breakers.
So this was like earlier on. In dating, or even if you’re in the marriage and you’re reassessing that I get to choose my deal breakers. And so it was like, you know, a circumstance came up and it was like, well, is this, you know, something that is enough to be a deal breaker or not. But there was just power in knowing from getting coached on that, that like I get to choose those and this is not just left to chance or up to him or just how things are like in a relationship, but I get to decide those deal breakers
Maggie Reyes:
So we do have an episode called Deal Breakers and I’ll link to that in the show notes. And here’s the thing, a lot of us sometimes are upset about things that we just choose to be upset about for like five or six years. And I challenge that, right? As your life coach, if you’re listening to the podcast, I challenge it to say either you accept it or it’s genuinely a deal breaker.
You need to do something about it. Right? Like instead of just being upset about it for who knows how long, it’s like, wait, this is an issue. Is it something that I really would want to separate or get divorced over? And sometimes it is, I’m just like, oh, you know what? Now that I actually thought it through, if I am treating myself like the queen that I am, like this amazing blessing on Earth that I am, then maybe it is a deal breaker.
Maybe it wasn’t before, by the way, for everyone listening, there are things in life where you could have a whole chapter of your life where that wasn’t a deal break, it didn’t bother you, it was fine. And then your own growth and your own development and how your values evolve. Suddenly, something’s going on.
That happened before and it wasn’t a deal breaker then, but maybe it’s now. That’s okay too.
Samantha Nivens:
So good. Okay. This one I know you have a podcast on too, and was, Coach Sean was letting go of being right. So, so good and so hard. Sometimes I feel like this is something that still is a work in progress for me, but I’ve gotten better just knowing.
That I can let go, that I don’t have to be right all the time. And not even to say all the time, but just that, just in those I can think of like there’s been a couple different arguments or you know, something and, and then, then I was just kind of like a toddler and I was just like, ugh. And I just wanted to hold on to like being right and like this frustration and anger and I had to like coach myself through it and being and it might have taken a day, you know? To really release that. But if I didn’t have that thought or that concept of like, to let go of being right. I know that’s hurt me in the past and in relationships where it was like, well then it just perpetuates. Or like, he would always have to, you know, he’s gotta be the one to come and say sorry, and to sooth that wound instead of just letting it go.
Maggie Reyes:
And so being right, I mean, listen, sometimes we are right. What we let go of is just having to throw a parade about it. So sometimes it’s like, yeah, if they would’ve done it your way, it would’ve been better. But they did it their way. Where, where do we wanna go from here?
So I just wanna be clear on that sometimes. And then sometimes it’s like, what is it that’s creating the urge or the urgency that you have to prove something. Right? And that we wanna slow down and listen to that. What do we think we’re gonna get from being right? And when we slow down and listen to that, that’s very meticulous.
I call it emotional heavy lifting. That is very meticulous in depth work. That’s sometimes, that’s the kind of thing. Then in the Marriage MBA, we coach for six months. It’s in depth. It’s like weekly calls. It’s a whole other thing. But just for something for you to think about is like if, if you’re a person who has that urge, not only must you be right, but we need to throw a parade on your behalf.
There’s something inside that goes a little deeper that needs to be investigated.
Samantha Nivens:
And I, and I think it’s been, dare I say fun, but like really kind of fun and you know, just peeling the layers of my onion in that way. Like each time it happens to be a little bit more like peeling that next layer to be like, all right, like what’s going, like what’s really going on here?
Maggie Reyes:
So I’ll tell you this in terms of like, if we think about, right in terms of like righteousness, like that righteous feeling we get, sometimes I read a book I’m recommending to everybody, so I’m gonna recommend it to all of you. It’s called us by Terence Real, r e a l. And in that book he talks about a lot of things that I really love.
But one of the things he talks about is grandiosity. Which is that, that righteousness vibe, right? And he makes a fabulous description or, or the way he describes it, I found really powerful, which is in our culture. And you know, we’re in the United States and if people are listening all over the world, which by the way, hi, but in our sort of western industrialized culture, we know about imposter syndrome.
We know about when we feel less than and we have tools for that in psychology and in coaching. But, when we feel more than, we don’t really talk about it as much. We talk about it on the podcast cause we talk about letting go of being right? And we talk about like in social communication being equal to your partner and not above or below and stuff like that.
But I think it’s so interesting. That being righteous or having that grandiosity vibe, like I’m the one who knows and they, I know better than them that vibe, which I’ve totally had. I’m there, I’m, you know, I’m with all of you. I just use the tools. I don’t, I am not above the tools. I just, even the stuff that I created, I’m like, oh, I need to use that on myself. Hold on. Let me be uncomplicated today. Right?
But that idea that just like, it’s the opposite of imposter syndrome, the grandiosity, and they’re two sides of the same coin. So sometimes I feel less than, and sometimes I feel more than and feeling more than is a protective mechanism. It’s a way to push someone away if they’re getting too close.
It’s a way of protecting ourselves from something that, the intelligence of our bodies thinks we need protecting from. So just wanna just share that with everybody, that it’s like, this is an actual thing. It’s about your imagination and it’s something that to work through. You could be one side away just like, oh, what if we’re equals here?
But also just, just be aware that if it feels like you need to be emotionally emotional, have lifting for that. That’s right too. Right? We’re just opening your mind to what’s possible today. Okay.
Samantha Nivens:
Okay. I have one more on my list of coaching thoughts here. This one is around the cultural marriage narrative.
What does exist there? Because here I was, you know, going from a marriage and relationship that didn’t work, that wasn’t working in a lot of different ways. And then when I got this and I’ve got my dream man, and then I felt that way. Like I felt, you know, this is my dream man, this is my soulmate.
It was like the best feeling ever. So I was excited and I was like, okay. And within a year I was basically like, I wanna marry this man. You know, like this is, and we had to take a step back and that was one of the first things you said on that call was, let’s just see what this, you know, where this is coming from and there’s this like, you know, lens that especially us women have, and men have it in their way, but like we have it as far as like get engaged, get the big rock, then get the married, and have all the things that come with that.
And, and so just, just seeing that, like having you say that was really powerful to be able to reflect and be like, okay, where am I with this? Is this what I want? And, this was also in terms like, you know, if you’re gonna get married, it’s for the long term, right? Like it’s not just about the ring and the engagement and the wedding.
So what does it matter if it’s now or in three years? And so, and I think that’s powerful for everybody, even if they’ve been in their marriage. To reflect on this cultural marriage narrative that we have of what that looks like. And to that point too, just thinking of another point that you always say is, what kind of a marriage do you wanna have?
We get to define that. Not culture, not society, not our parents, not your sister. What kind of a marriage do you wanna have? And so I think that was really powerful to really break open.
Maggie Reyes:
So many of us have expectations, whether it’s about the wedding or the marriage or the house we live in or what it’s supposed to look like, or who should do the chores and how that should be executed or whatever it is, right?
And we have these things that when we question, well, where did that come from? Where did it come from that we decided it should look this way? And our culture, as you mentioned, our family stories, our cultural stories, our religious or spiritual upbringing, all of those things are influencing what we think is right or wrong or good or bad.
And it’s like all of those are stories people made up. They may have been passed from generation to generation, but there’s still stories that people made up. So we’re in this era where we get to decide what is the story we wanna tell. And if, and in your case, since you talked about that, like you had this idea, like it should look a specific way and like why, who said, and then once you are able to detach from that, you’re like, I like this, this works for my lifestyle. The way that it is now isn’t an actual problem. Right.
Samantha Nivens:
And actually that’s funny too. I was like a side note on that because anyone would see the journey, but you know, we, that was like a year in and I was like, so excited.
Like I wanted, I was ready to get engaged and, you know, thinking about that for all the reasons. And, and then now here we are, so basically six months later and we’ve moved in together and now, and from that coaching is where it started. But now I’m like, I don’t care. It could be two years, it could be three years.
I don’t, like, it’s not even a thing for me of like, when it happens. So just so profound to like, I just wanted to put a little bow or a stamp on that point to be like time has passed.
Maggie Reyes:
And now, yeah. I love that. Amazing. Okay. You said you had three sort of bonus things that you wanted to talk about.
Samantha Nivens:
Yes. Okay. And one of ’em was my Maggie Angel, so that was one of them. These are some of just my favorite things about you and your coaching that I would like everyone to see if they haven’t seen. So the first one was you leave no stone unturned and, for two, I wanna just preface this that I am a coach.
I have coaches, I’m in group coaching. So like I’m in a lot of this coaching world and like I can truly say this is so unique and amazing and powerful about you, Maggie, is that you leave no stone unturned where like you’ll coach on the original question and the thoughts and concerns that come up.
But then you also, so you’ll make sure that’s wrapped up in a bow and maybe have to peel layers to get what’s underneath that. But then you’ll, you might hear something that, the thought that was said that wasn’t the thing to get coached on. And we’ll, and you’ll like check in on that to make sure, like, I just heard this, let me just check in if this is something here too.
And it just, and come the end of it, it’s like, do you feel good? So there’s just no stone left unturned to be like, I think I feel good or yeah, yeah. I’ll work on it. You know, cuz sometimes maybe even as us, we might feel insecure and being like, yeah, no, I’m good and people please.
But you leave no room for that. There is no stone left unturned with you.
Maggie Reyes:
I love hearing that so much and, and what I wanna say about that is I’m really committed to helping people who want and thrive with my style of coaching or my style of teaching. And the more that we talk about it in the podcast, the more that I try to give demonstrations and you know, I teach you things here so that you get a feel for what, you know, what, what my vibe is.
It’s like I want people to come into my containers kind of really knowing what to expect. Like if you vibe with what we’re talking about, you will love the, it’s highly likely you will love the makeover. Like if you vibe with what we’re talking about, it’s highly likely who get so much out of the MBA.
And so I love that you noticed that. So thank you for noticing that. And I really, I ask, I often, not every time, and I’m like, does that feel complete? Is there anything we haven’t looked at? And it’s not that sometimes it isn’t messy and it isn’t like, well it feels complete for today. Like, you know, we also there’s only so much like even from a just scientific cognitive load, of what the brain can process, there’s only so much we can do. And sometimes you’ll hear me say, okay and now that’s enough for today. I gave you a lot to think about. You know, now go off and work with that and then come back and then we’ll see.
But I love that you noticed that. So thank you for sharing that.
Samantha Nivens:
You’re welcome. I love that about you and your coaching. Okay. And then the other thing was, cause we were talked about the Maggie Angel. The last thing was I just put, having you as my coach is like taking a big breath of fresh air and like dropping my shoulders and just like feeling.
Just this feeling of, I don’t know, ease of even relaxed. Like when I think about throughout our time together and you know, if an argument or a situation happened and I, there was tension, there was stress, there was, you know, anger and I would come to the call and after the call or, or if it wasn’t a call, if it was just using one of the tools we already talked about.
But I then would just release and so like having you and the Mindset Makeover there has just allowed me to let go essentially then. But just this, I just like, it’s this overarching, like I almost feel like there’s just this bubble around me. I’m trying to describe it where I’m like, there’s just this ability to, to know that it’s okay and, and that I’ve got the support and I can take a breath.
Maggie Reyes:
I mean, I think a breath is so healing. So I love hearing that. And I think that in coaching sometimes we need a SmackDown and sometimes we need a hug and sometimes we need both on the same day. Right? But I think we always start with censoring ourselves and taking a breath and being here with what is present now.
And that always helps the outcome. There’s never a time that that isn’t helpful no matter what’s going on around us. So I love that. I love that you got that from the makeover and from being in sort of the energetic space that we create, you know, in that program. And I know that you mentioned it and just for everyone listening, it’s like, it’s like that flashlight in the forest.
It’s like, take a breath, remember who you are. That breath is what allows you to say, I am a woman who communicates lovingly and powerfully. That breath is what allows you to say, I will treat everyone like they are queens and kings to me, and I will be treated like a king and a queen, whatever that means, you know, for you.
And so that breath, you know, that moment to just, like you said, relax your shoulders, remember who you are, and then come to whatever’s in front of you. I mean, if I teach anybody listening to the sound of my voice one thing, and you just get that; so pivotal.
Samantha Nivens:
So, so good. And honestly, even to that point, I feel like even, like I said, it didn’t take me that much time or effort or energy to put into this to get these 10x results that I’ve gotten and still will get. And, and I’ve learned this even in my own business and in life, I feel like so many times, and I know your people and that’s like me too, is like go, go, go do all the things like, you know, type A women and, and we don’t hold that space for ourselves, whether that’s a breath in the day or that’s the hour a month to do a Mindset Makeover or if that’s journaling for five minutes some days, you know?
Like holding that space for that versus just go, go, go, push, push, push through. And I’ve learned really in these last couple years that when I hold that space, That’s when the blossoming happens. When I hold the space to put in the time here or to take the breath, then the outcome is so much better.
I get bigger, better results versus just trying to push through.
Maggie Reyes:
That’s so important and that’s really the definition to me of slowing down to speed up. We slow down, we check with our intention, we check with who we wanna be, we check with what is our goal, we, you know, all the things we talked about today.
And then we say, oh, I slow down. If I had a say, how would I approach it? Right? That slowing down to speed up is like you slow down for that moment. And it really, you know, it’s just like some time and effort for you to watch a workshop or whatever. We don’t wanna minimize it.
You do need to show up for something, but the actual implementation of it is like in 30 seconds you’ve changed and shifted the whole day you’re gonna have with your partner just by taking a breath and, and thinking, hey, you know, how do I wanna show up for this? What do I wanna be right now? Right? And so it’s both. It takes some time and some effort, but it’s not like crazy time and crazy effort. It’s just literally such, so many simple, very small, simple things that are so massively powerful and you’re such a beautiful example of what’s possible.
And I love that you said, even though I think you’re an A plus plus student, I love that you’re like, listen, I did it like C minus, I just, I watched one thing, it helped me. I put the calls on the calendar, I showed up once a month, most of the time, not even always. And that’s all you needed, right?
And I love just being an example for that. That is the goal- is get what you need. You do not, you may not need all the things for me as the coach, I wanna provide you with more than one thing. But for you, as the person coming in to any of the programs that I lead, it’s like, no, you get the thing you need.
That’s all you need to do.
So I love to wrap up our interviews with the questions from the questions for Couples Journal. And we were looking at them before the call, and I found this really fun one that I cannot wait to ask you, and I cannot wait to see what you answer. So here, here’s the premise.
So everyone listening, you can answer the question as well. It’s- you get to create a reality show about any topic. What is it about, and what do you name it? And then are you and your partner cast members?
Samantha Nivens:
Oh my gosh. Okay. So first thing that comes to my mind, the show would be called The Ultra Life. And it would be, I feel like Patrick could be my sidekick, kind of like partner, but like it would be the peanut gallery type because he does not run.
Cause he does not run ultra marathons. And many a times has been like, oh my God, what are you, beast, you’re killing me. He is like, Oh my God, I don’t know how you people do this. And then the show itself would be like, I think two different things. I would love to have ultra marathon athletes that I know because so many people think running an ultra marathon is just like this bananas crazy thing.
It is a little bit, but it’s also so doable. Everyday people do it. And so I would love to show a storyline of different ultra marathon athletes, what it really looks like in that world. Because there’s a lot of times it’s a lawyer and it’s someone with kids and, and yet they do this weird hobby called ultra running on the side.
And then the other part would be also like, how can, this is something, Speaking Teton is like, yeah, I run ultramarathons. But like, what’s your ultra life? So like, also having anybody, you know, the average person, whatever, come in and be like, all right, what’s your ultra life goal?
What does your ultra life look like? If it’s not running an ultra marathon, what is it? And then like follow that storyline
Maggie Reyes:
That’s so good. So the A line, the A story is like some ultra marathoners doing that literal ultra marathon. And then the B story is like, people from all walks of life, like living their dream, their ultra, Oh my gosh.
Okay. If anyone listening to us is a TV producer, Samantha is available.
And I will be the sassy sidekick who pops in every now and then. The little angel. That will be funny, so listen, this is an amazing idea. I love it so much and, and honestly, what just happened now is like, this is my goal with the questions for Couples Journal really is like, we ask these questions and oh my gosh, that would be amazing.
And then what would you, what would you do? And then what else? And how would it be? Like, It’s just fun, right? It’s just fun.
Okay. Tell everyone how they can find you. If they want to keep in touch with you, learn more about either the ultra life or the ultra mMarathon, like the literal and the figurative, how can they follow you?
Samantha Nivens:
Okay. So my, I’m on Instagram. I love Instagram. It’s @Samanthasreallife. And then website is samanthanibins.com and you can hear about some inspirational ultra stories from myself and other folks, and my tips to live in ultra life at the Ultra Life Podcast. And then I also have a YouTube channel, the Ultra Health Hub, where I just share all kinds of tips and stuff for healthy living and life coaching.
Maggie Reyes:
Oh, how fun. We will link to all these things in the show notes, so don’t worry. And if you loved what you heard today, we would love to hear your favorite takeaway. Tag us on Instagram. So what was the Instagram handle again?
Samantha Nivens:
@Samanthasreallife
Maggie Reyes:
@Samanthasreallife and @theMaggieReyes, we wanna know what your favorite takeaway was.
Which one are you implementing? We totally wanna hear. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Samantha, for just being you.
Samantha Nivens:
Oh, thank you, Maggie, Such a pleasure.
Maggie Reyes:
Bye everyone.