Hello, everyone. We are going to talk about a simple way to build self trust today. I had a session last week with one of my private coaching clients, where we spent the whole hour talking about how to cultivate self-trust with some really important decisions that she’s making. And when we finished the session, I asked her if I could share the framework that we came up with, as I know it will help so many people. And she was so amazing. She said, yes. So thank you. Thank you to that magical, amazing client. So there are a ton of different ways to build self trust. And I’m sure we will talk about this more in different podcast episodes, but for today here is a really, really simple way to start. This particular client had some big decisions that she’s working on making and imagine making really big decisions and doubting yourself at every turn or thinking about how you may be making the wrong decision and spending more time worrying about making the wrong decision then the time you spend really assessing how to make the best decision for this moment.
So my coaching client, she was really, really worried, and this is what she brought to the session. So, as you were talking, if you’ve ever seen me a host a video, I have a whiteboard in my office and I started writing different things on my whiteboard. So I wrote this question on my white board for us to discuss. What if there are no wrong decisions, just decisions that produce different results. I’m going to repeat that. What if there are no wrong decisions, just decisions that produce different results. We’re going to come back to that. But first I know that people listen to this podcast all over the world. So hello world. And I know we have different cultural values in different places on earth and things like that. So on the podcast, I’m really going to talk about the values and sort of the widespread opinions and ideas and concepts in modern American culture.
Cause that’s where I grew up. And in modern American culture, everyone is afraid of making the wrong decision. Not everyone, but a whole lot of millions and millions of people are. And I really think it starts in grade school. The way that our school is organized, we’re afraid to get the wrong answer on the test. Then we get jobs and if we do something wrong, we can get fired or we can get penalized, or we can be shamed in front of peers. If you have a really terrible boss that might happen. And doing something wrong or getting something wrong, becomes something that we actively avoid all the way from grade school, throughout our professional life just forever. And we spent a lot of time making sure that we don’t do something wrong. And I have to admit that I have to be extra conscious of this myself.
I have definitely been on the bandwagon. In my own marketing, when they tell people they have done the wrong combination of things to help their marriage, and once they know the right combination of things, their situation can improve. And I know for sure I’ve described it that way in an email or a Facebook post or something like that. And the truth is there are no wrong combination of things. There are simply combinations of things that produce unwanted results, right? There’s things that work there’s things that don’t work, whether they’re right or wrong, we could debate, but they definitely produce either the result we wanted or the result we didn’t want. Right? So, as I was talking this through with my client, once we explored this question, the idea that maybe there are no wrong decisions, just decisions that produce different results. I then wrote on my whiteboard, what is the result I want to create? And does this decision support that result?
So let’s talk about some general results that can apply to almost any situation. When we’re talking about the emotional health of a marriage or a relationship or your own emotional health, the type of results that we want to create is usually something in the range of healthy, nontoxic, healing, that kind of thing, right? We can immediately know if a result feels expansive and delicious or constricting and disgusting. We can know that right away. So no matter what decision you’re making, if you’re feeling doubtful about it, you can ask these two questions. What is the result I want to create? And does this decision support that result. An by getting really, really clear on the result you want to create and whether that decision supports it, it’s a way of really removing doubt from the equation because you get really concrete.
You get that clarity that comes from looking at the decision from a different angle. Now, a very beautiful way to think about any decision is to ask, what do I want, why do I want it, and do I like my reasons. Like sometimes we want things and then we go a little deeper, our reasons are kind of wonky. Maybe they’re not the best reasons. Sometimes we want something and we go a little deeper. We absolutely love our reasons. So that’s another beautiful way to get really clear when we’re making a decision about something is like, why do I focus on looking for a perfect answer or a right answer? And you’re focusing simply on an answer that produces a result. Now here’s, what’s fascinating. As I was preparing the notes for the episode today, I’ve been thinking about some of the things that I’ve been learning about white supremacy culture in the United States, and have been thinking about the characteristics of white supremacy culture and how they affect your marriage.
And it’s kind of like this, at least in my mind, we think racial justice is over here on one side and our marriages are over there on another side. And our brains don’t think those two things overlap, but when you go a layer deeper and you know, we’re all about the deeper layers here, when you go deeper and you consider the culture that we live in, the values that we grew up in, we really start to see that it’s all related and I’m seeing this more and more as I learn more and more. So as I was prepping this episode and then looked at the characteristics of white supremacy culture, there was a team at a fabulous website I will link to in the show notes called dismantlingracism.org, and they made a list of 15 characteristics of white supremacy culture. And one of those characteristics is the idea that there’s only one right way.
It is the belief that there’s only one way to do things. And to quote the document, “once people are introduced to the right way, they will see the light and adopt it”. When they do not adapt or change, then something is wrong with them, the other person. Those not changing, not with us, those who know the right way, right? Similar to the missionary who does not see the value in the culture of other communities and only sees the value in their beliefs and what is good. So you see if you grew up in the U S like me or in any colonized country that has been colonized by any other super power throughout history, then you grew up really, essentially in the same waters that I grew up in. And it’s the water of this way is the best way, and any other way is the wrong way.
And then this is how we have a whole generation of people or multiple generations of people who are constantly doubting themselves and wondering if they’re doing the right thing. And this is the emotional ocean that we are swimming in. And one of the things I’m finding is racial justice really is justice for all. When we heal and dismantle the constructs that we have grown up in, everyone wins no matter what race you are, which I think is really fascinating when you really consider that. So one of the things I love about the resource at dismantlingracism.org, that’s the website, is it includes an antidote for every one of the characteristics that it describes. So for the idea of only one, right way, the suggested antidotes are pretty simple accepting that there is more than one way to get the same goal and to quote them again, they really referred to working with communities, but I really invite you to think about how this applies to the community that is your marriage, your family, your extended family, working as a team within your marriage, and really working as a team without the idea that there’s only one right way.
Like, imagine if we remove that as an option. So in this document, they go on to say, as an antidote, that once the group has made a decision about which way will be taken, they honor that decision and see what you and the organization learned from taking that way. Especially if it’s not the way you would have chosen. Then work on developing the ability to notice when people do things differently and how those different things might improve your own approach. And look for the tendency for a group or a person to keep pushing the same point of view over and over out of a belief that there’s only one right way. And when that happens, name it.
So when working with communities from a different culture than yours, be clear that you have some learning to do about that community’s way of doing things. And never assume that you or your organization know what’s best for the community in isolation, from really meaningful relationships within that community. So to me, from a marriage perspective, it’s like never assume there’s only one way to solve a problem. What if there are infinite ways and we keep experimenting until we find a workable solution that feels good for everyone involved. That’s really interesting to consider that. Which brings me to the next part of my coaching call with this client, where we were building herself trust and making decisions, and really sort of laser-focusing on looking at a way to make decisions approach that helps remove doubt from the equation. So you’re totally getting a behind the scenes kind of thing on what we talk about in coaching today.
And I’m so grateful to you for being so generous and allowing me to share what we talked about. And she came up with the next question, as we were brainstorming and talking about making decisions, she said something brilliant. She said, does this decision honor me so simple, so powerful. Does this decision honor me whenever we make a decision to honor someone else. And in the process we betray ourselves. That’s usually a problem, right? That’s usually a problem most of us are familiar with, at some point in our lives. We’ve made a decision to honor someone else and in the process betrayed yourself. So we had a conversation about honor, and I looked up the basic definition of honor, and it’s high respect, great esteem, to regard with great respect. So imagine asking it this way, this decision regard me with great respect. Imagine making every decision from that place.
I know I have for sure, made some decisions in my life where I did not regard myself with great respect. I love that question so much. Whatever is on your mind or having your heart become so clear when you ask yourself, does this decision honor me. Now, of course you can ask if this decision honors the other person, if it honors your values or anything like that. But for a lot of you listening to this podcast, right now, you are already great at honoring other people. You usually have no problem with that. What you need to do is learn to honor yourself to the same level as you honor other people, not even more than other people, just to the same level as other people. So when we talked about honor and asking that question and really using that question in your day to day life, I shared a story with my client that I want to share with you because you guys know, I love the metaphors is I love the analogies I just think it makes it so crystal clear.
So in the United States, we have a store called Party City, and it has all different kinds of fun stuff you get for parties. So if you want purple plates and white polka dots, they have that. If you want balloons or napkins or party favors, all those kinds of things, they have it. It’s like a big supermarket for parties. And when you ask a question like, does this decision honor me, here’s what happens. It becomes so easy to make any choice because you’ve eliminated all the other choices. So it’s like walking into Party City that has plates and balloons of every color and you just ignore all of them and you go straight to the honor aisle. And you know, everything you’re going to buy that day is going to match because you’re just choosing all the things that go with honor.
Anything that doesn’t match with honor is just not invited to the party. And I love thinking about it that way, because it just becomes so simple then. So that’s recap. What if there are no wrong decisions, just decisions that produce different results. What is the result I want to create, does this decision support that result, does this decision honor me and hold me with great respect. That’s it. When you’re building self trust, remember there is no one right way. That is a lie we’ve been told, that is the water we’ve been swimming in, but we can throw out that water, get fresh water and we can start over, right? We can create a life and a marriage that works for us. And that is a wrap for today’s episode. I hope you use this approach to build your self-trust and make decisions you absolutely love and that deeply honor you.
I will link to the PDF from dismantlingracism.org in the show notes. And I want to give a shout out to coach Molly Gordon, who shared that resource in a diversity and inclusion group that I’m in on LinkedIn. So thank you so much, Molly, I love that resource so much. And something else I’m super excited to include in the show notes is the Move My Marriage Forward worksheet. This was inspired by a community member in the Better Marriage Club on Facebook, who was stuck in a situation in her marriage. And I’m so excited to share it with you so you can get unstuck, anytime something sticky comes up in your relationship. So definitely go to the show notes and download the Move My Marriage Forward worksheet. It will definitely help you get unstuck. And remember you need three things to have a thriving, five star marriage, perspective, partnership and pleasure, and they are all in your control.