Maggie
Hello, everyone, welcome to another episode of The Marriage Life Coach Podcast today is going to be a very special episode. I feel like I say that every time but they’re all special. Today, I have an amazing guest, her name is Amanda Hess. She is a wife, a boy mom, as she likes to call herself, a certified life coach. She really used to struggle with feeling powerless, and really working through her self worth and her self confidence on a daily basis until life coach coaching changed her life. And we’re gonna talk about that today. She’s also one of my former clients, and I’m so blessed and grateful to have her on the show to talk about her journey. And what she does now as she helps worn out, and broken women, learn how to love themselves and feel confident again. So that’s what she does now. But we’re going to talk about what she used to do before, a little bit. Welcome, Amanda.
Amanda
Thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited to be here.
Maggie
So I said a little bit about what you do. But why don’t you tell us a little bit about your journey to confidence, because I think that’s related to everything we’re going to talk about today. So we used to work together. And I looked it up, we finished our work like a year ago. So it’s just kind of a fun thing to see like a year later, how has all of the work that we did together played out in your life in your marriage and stuff like that? So tell us anything about what you do that you want to share.
Amanda
Yeah, well, I mean, first of all, I’ve been married for almost 19 years. So I feel like I’ve been married for like a minute. And I do have two boys, they’re 13 and 10. And, you know, what I would say is that there was a time when I just really felt like confidence was something you were given, and that I just never been given that gift, you know, and that ultimately, all of the experiences they told me so so many stories about my life and what had happened and what that meant for me going forwards. And I just felt very powerless. And I really tried to create myself from this place of complete lack. And in doing that, especially in my marriage, what I found is that the more that I look to my husband created for me, the more that he failed, and the more I was mad, and the more that it just spun in this cycle of despair. And I didn’t just do it with him either. Like when you really started, you know, breaking it down, it was I do with my friends, I did it with my parents, I did it with my, my brother, like it was everywhere.
Amanda
And I just really was of the opinion that somehow I’ve been beaten down and there was no way back up and there was no way for me to get there unless other people were able to provide it for me. So what I learned through working with you and everything else that I’ve done is that it doesn’t come from any of those places, it comes from inside of yourself. And the beautiful, most powerful moment you can have with yourself is recognizing that I’m in charge of everything that has to do with me. But like in a way that you don’t use it against yourself because you see that so often.
Maggie
So let’s take a step back, because we’re in this really powerful, beautiful place right now. But tell me a little bit about why you decided to hire a marriage coach, why did you decide to work with me back then tell us a little bit about that.
Amanda
Well, I mean, I was desperately unhappy. Desperately, desperately unhappy. You know, I just had had a bunch of things happen, like my mom had passed away. And I felt that I didn’t have my mom anymore. And so I just didn’t have that person that had my back. And, you know, I didn’t like what I was doing career wise. And my husband and I were a mess. Like, I talked about divorce a lot. And we had big, massive, messy fights. And we’d just go round and round in a circle. But it really felt like we just go around the circle and then we’d go back again at the beginning of the circle. And I’m like, why are we here? Again? I can’t get out of this vortex.
Maggie
Yeah, I just literally recorded a podcast that will have come out when this comes out. already saying when we don’t have a North Star when we don’t have a compass, we just go around in the same ocean and circles until we find that compass. And I think that you know, coaching, whether it’s one on one or whether it’s in a group program setting or whatever setting it’s in, it helps us find our own compass. It isn’t the compass it helps us find the compass. So I just love that you described it that way because it’s so clear and it’s such a universal experience in so many ways. So when they I want to really point out is you were feeling this way, but you still had hope you were still looking under rocks and stones and saying, but what if there’s something else? What if there’s a way? What if this was true? What if this could help me? So when you think back to being so frustrated, like you kept running around in circles, but then you thought, No, there could be something that could help me? What made you think, yeah, maybe this could work? Or maybe this could help me?
Amanda
You know, it’s so funny because I got turned on to your Facebook page, somewhere along the way, I think that I was working with a business coach who suggested that I follow your page, actually, just for about like a branding perspective. Interesting. And then I did and so then, all of a sudden, you had a masterclass that you were promoting. And I attended your masterclass, where you’re basically saying, are you a type-A woman married to a man and like, yes, hand in the air like that is me. And you went through all of the different ways that this shows up, and why you sort of stay stuck. And everything about it, I was like, Yes, that is 100% what I’m experiencing. And oh, you have the answer. And I am so in need of the answer. Because I love my husband, like I know, I love my husband, I want to stay married to my husband, I don’t want to divorce.
Amanda
And I can even see to for me, I could see like what he was doing made me mad. But I could also see that my reaction is what was like kind of tearing our marriage apart. And so I recognized that I didn’t want to go to couples counseling and hash it out. I just didn’t want to do that. To me, that sounded like so much work. And like, what was I going to do? We’re just going to break it down, like you should do this. And you should do this and just, no, I just wanted to be able to fix me.
Maggie
Yeah, that’s so powerful. So I want to give a shout out to Paula Onysko, because I’m pretty sure that’s how we got connected initially, in terms of the branding. She’s a good friend, and a wonderful person and coach. So thank you, Paula. And notice, a few things popped out of what you shared, but one is, in our life, sometimes we don’t know how the story ends. And we want to jump to the end without doing all the steps in the middle. And sometimes all we need to do is do every step whatever’s in front of us right now, because it’s like you worked with Paula, that was amazing, then she introduced you to something else that helped you something, then I introduced you to other things that helped you with something.
Maggie
And it’s like, if we want to skip to the end, we miss those points. And I have been that person, I’m pointing this out because I see myself reflected and like, oh, whenever I want to jump to the end, let me remember that whatever is in front of me right now will lead me to the next thing. And then we trust that then you trust the path of life, my intuition, whatever excites or delights me. But you were looking at my branding, which had nothing to do really, it was just like, Oh, you know, how does she talk about what she talks about? And then it ended up being such a really powerful life changing experience. And I just feel like there’s people listening to us right now that sometimes will not trust Oh, this is just what’s in front of me to do right now is just go to this meeting or like read this book or whatever. But in that next step, everything gets revealed one step at a time. What do you think about that?
Amanda
I think that’s so powerful, because I think you’re so right, because everybody thinks that the answer is to get to the end. And who’s to even say what the end is? And what is the end? We don’t know. And we’re having to experience the middle. So how do you want the experience of the middle to be?
Maggie
Yeah, that’s one of the questions. So good. How do you want the experience of the middle to be, that’s everything. So tell me what were some of your favorite things, whether it’s a coaching concept, or an aha moment? What were some of the favorite things that we did together that you want to share with our listeners today?
Amanda
I mean we did so much that like, some of the things that I really enjoyed was just even exploring whose fault is it. And does it need to be somebody’s fault? It’s extremely powerful. What do you mean when it’s not somebody’s fault? It needs to be somebody’s fault, clearly it’s my husband’s fault. Obviously. So, just being able to release that expectation that there needed to be fault. Yeah. Because it’s so powerful to like, realize it doesn’t even matter if somebody has a fault like that doesn’t matter. And you know, when we would coach and you would bring that to my attention, it would just kind of break my brain and I’d be looking at you going, I just can’t right now.
Maggie
I love that. One of the things I really want to do on the show is be really real and I love that you’re like, I just can’t right now and I’m like okay, maybe next time, all good.
Amanda
I mean, some of the other things, though, is that you helped me really drill down into my feelings. And I think that I was really afraid of how I felt. Because if I got down into my feelings that I would somehow disappear into this abyss. And the thought of this looked like a few different ways, it looked like rage. Because I definitely have that at my disposal, and/or extreme sadness, like, I can’t pull myself out of it’s so deep and so dark and so scary. And you help me see that, first of all, you can feel things and not, you don’t have to fully indulge in them.
Amanda
Like you can just notice them, and also understanding that they come from what you’re thinking. And so like, let’s just consider like, What are you thinking is true here. And just pulling apart and giving space and taking a moment and taking a breath, but not in a, I don’t know, this is going to come out wrong, but like this frou-rou spiritual way which if that’s your thing, great. It just never really spoke to me. Yeah, it was more like tangible and real and noticeable. And once I could do that, it just allowed me to really, once I knew what I was feeling, and I could feel it and I could be okay with it, then I could make choices that came from a really solid place.
Maggie
I think that is so important. Like I love all the woo. But when I’m coaching, I’m very grounded. And I feel like that’s really important to have that. You pointed out that it’s like it’s not from this Pollyanna place of like, everything is amazing, no some things suck. Let’s decide how we’re going to handle those things. Right. And I think that sometimes in personal development, when we don’t pause for the nuance or for the layers underneath it sounds like no, but everything isn’t as amazing. It’s like okay, fine. I give it to you. That thing was bad, right? Now, how are we going to show up for it? Or what are we going to do in the face of that thing?
Amanda
Yeah, because you know, then, once you do that, like you also taught me that how my husband shows me L\love is not necessarily the way that I think he should be showing it. And that’s really powerful. Because, I mean, I really saw that in myself. And I really see that now when I work with people myself is that really judged that quite a bit, right? Like there’s something wrong? And what if there’s just nothing wrong? Like nothing is wrong with this situation? There doesn’t need to be any judgment. And also people show love in lots of different ways. And you can just notice it. Yeah. And I think that is like the biggest thing like when we coach together as you just gave me the opportunity to slow down. See, like you say, see the nuance. See the shades of grey see that it is like not black or white.
Maggie
Yeah, and just because our partners don’t love us the way we think they should doesn’t mean they don’t love us the best they can. Because a lot of times, and I see this in my coaching practice, I’ve experienced that myself as a human. And it’s just like, Oh, this person, they’re loving you the best they can. It isn’t really how I would be delighted to receive it. But let me see. Wait, am I pretending like there’s no love here? No, wait, there’s a ton of love here. Oh, now I’m looking for it. Now I see it all the time. It’s such a different experience of yourself and of the other person.
Amanda
Yeah, I totally agree. Because how you think about it completely changes like they’re doing their best they are actually trying to do this for you. And you know, giving credit for that and just like you say, like maybe it’s still not your favorite but understanding that there is an intention there. And they’re not making it mean, well he doesn’t love me because he, I mean, the biggest thing we talked about is my husband giving me flowers, right? Remember that? I was like so upset that he wouldn’t buy me flowers and that when he did it was never the flowers I wanted because I wanted peonies and he never bought them. And I was like, see Maggie he doesn’t love me at all. Like how can you not know this somebody that loves me would know this. After, you know at that time like 17 years of marriage 18 years of marriage come on.
Maggie
Yeah, and what did you find when we questioned that?0
Amanda
It’s just not even true. He shows love and in many different ways and you know, of course I could have strategies like saying these are the kinds of flowers I like let me send you some pictures of the ones I like if you would like for me to receive like love from you. I would really love for you to get me flowers that look like this.
Maggie
We could just ask for what we want. So revolutionary, right? But for so much millennia, up to the present moment that we live in, in history, women were not encouraged to ask for what they wanted. When women asked for what they wanted, it was like we got burned at the stake, to make a huge extrapolation. But there’s a little bit of element of it’s unsafe to ask for what I want. And it’s sort of in our cell in the cells of our body, like, it’s a generational thing. And the moment that we’re like, well, what if you just ask for what you want it and also you’re, you know, a woman with capabilities and resources, and you could buy some flowers?
Amanda
Like, flowers don’t equal love? That isn’t actually true.
Maggie
Yeah, that is such a powerful thing. You and everyone who’s listening, you can insert anything in the place of flowers, whatever flowers is for you. Right? I love words of affirmation. So I love it when you know, when people tell me I’m amazing, I’m like, flying on the clouds, right? And my husband is not that person. He’s an action person. So I could put flowers, I could put words I could put anything does not equal love, love equals love.
Maggie
Before we move on, I want to talk a little bit about what you mentioned, with the extreme emotions, because I think a lot of us struggle with that. And definitely a lot of my listeners do where it’s like, I just did an episode on healthy anger, where we talked about this as well. And I’ll put a link to that in the show notes, where we have this fear, many of us have this fear that if we allow ourselves to feel a feeling, we will become the feeling be consumed by the feeling. And the feeling feels so intense, that the fear becomes so intense, because if I really allowed myself to feel rage, and then it became rage, it’s almost like I’m afraid that it’s a hole that I’ll go into, but never be able to climb out of. I’d love for you to share what are some of the things you do now, just with the benefit of all your experience and practice the things we worked on the things that you’ve, you know, kept on developing as you go on, that help you allow a feeling without being consumed by it. Anything you want to share on that, I think would be really powerful and useful.
Amanda
Yeah, I think the first thing is that, you know, really noticing that feelings are just vibrations in your body. And so like recognizing that when rage takes over, or when sadness takes over, whatever it is for you, anxiety, guilt, shame, it’s really just a lot of thoughts going on. So you feel something, and then you make that mean something, and then you come up with all the thoughts, right? All the things that make that true. Versus saying I feel anger right now. And like just taking a minute, like, I can take a minute. And I can decide like where am I feeling this in my body? What does it feel like? Is it hot? Is it cold? Is it a color? Is it sharp? Is it you know, round, and just being able to like, really feel the sensation of it in the body is so powerful. Because it just gives you the space to first of all recognize that it’s not going to eat you, right? It’s just a feeling, it’s fine. You can feel anything. I think a second thing is just taking a minute. And just recognizing you don’t need to think anything about it at all.
Maggie
I love that you say take a minute because so much of the work I think that we did was just slow down long enough to see what’s happening. If I remember correctly, one of the things, please tell me what you think, but I remember us looking at your daily schedule and how overpacked it was it was like, every moment of every minute of every day had to have something going on. And it was almost like to avoid feeling whatever that feeling was and one of the very first times you were like, I don’t know, lady. I was like okay, what if we removed one thing from your schedule? To allow you to then be able to react in a positive, constructive, powerful way, which you cannot do if you’re like this little hamster on the hamster wheel just running, running, running, running. What do you think about that?
Amanda
I think it’s so true. And I think we’re kind of taught to do that to a certain extent, right? Like, don’t feel your feelings because they’ll eat you and just keep yourself really, really busy. So like be as busy as possible. And I remember one coaching session where I was like, every time I’m doing something, I’m listening to a podcast or I’m listening to an audiobook and you’re like, well, what if he just listened to nothing? I was like, what? No, that doesn’t seem right.
Maggie
One of the things I teach my clients is you never have to agree with me like, I’m just gonna ask you stuff and you get to choose, you know what? You go to your own discernment, you listen to your own inner wisdom. And Amanda, really, we had a lot of these types of conversations like what, I don’t know.
Amanda
Well, then I’d have to listen to my brain. And that sounds terrifying. So I’d rather not because I don’t want to feel all these feelings. I don’t think I can do that. And at the time, like, I couldn’t break that down at all. It just didn’t even make sense to me. I just wasn’t in that place yet. For sure, like I can really see it. Because even now, when I work with people, I can always tell when they’re not in their body, and they’re not in their feelings, because they tell me all the things they’re doing. And I’m like, you are so busy doing a lot of stuff, we need to pull this back.
Maggie
Can I just say this is the best full circle moment, ever. I remember you were like, I don’t know about this. I don’t know. I was like okay, no problem. And you know, both of us, I think we should have meet people where they are. So I was like just consider it we can go back to it’s not a problem, just have it be something on your map, maybe you visit that city one day, right?
Amanda
I feel like I kind of looked at myself like that. And I really was like, this human like remote control with like, all these buttons that stuck out super far. And they could just like be pressed like at any moment. And the more that I filled myself with busyness, I think that I just didn’t even realize I was creating more buttons. And then when I started to like really be able to just sit with myself and sit with my feelings and understand that nothing’s a problem. And I can feel anyway at any time. And it’s not an issue. And I don’t need to make that mean anything. It’s like the buttons just disappear. And then all of a sudden, you’re just fine. like nobody can press those buttons, because they don’t exist.
Maggie
That is so powerful. I love that example. That’s so good. I’m gonna be quoting you. I love it. Those button to yours. You know how you think everybody else has installed them? You installed them, and you can uninstall them? So tell me a little bit about what kind of results you created in your marriage. So you said you were thinking about divorce a lot. That was just something that just came to your mind very often. Tell me a little bit about where you are now in terms of how you feel in your relationship.
Amanda
Yeah, I think there’s way more connection, because I think that the connection is more neutral, and loving. And recognizing that if I want more love, I need to show more love. Like it really literally works that way. And if you think you need to receive more to give more, that’s never gonna work. Like life doesn’t work that way. Way less anger. I just don’t go round and not in that circle. And I’m not going to say that we never have that fight because we totally do. But now it’s like, not as intense. It’s not as long. I recognize it early on. Oh, look, I stepped back in here.
Amanda
And I don’t want to be in this anymore. Like, I know where this ends. It starts with, you know, me getting a little angry, and then if I start getting a little bit more explosive, then it’s going to turn into him being more passive aggressive, and then he’s going to shut down. And then the result is that there’s no connection, which is not what I want. So I need to be in control of my own response, or my own experience here. Yeah. And understand I drive this. So like, it really has changed our marriage in such a profound way. Because I still don’t expect perfection. And I think one of my favorite things about you, Maggie, is that you never expected that. And you never taught me to expect that from myself. And in fact, you helped me see that that is like such poison.
Maggie
Yes. The poison of perfection. Yes. Okay, you heard it here first people, the poison of perfection. It’s like, when you think about a coach, like if you thought about a baseball team, or a soccer team or any team, when you have a coach, it doesn’t mean you’re never gonna lose another game. It just means you’re gonna know how to win games, you’re gonna know how to work to your strengths, you’re gonna know how to course correct, you’re gonna know how to do your best every time to win as many games as you can. Yeah. There’s never this expectation. And I think sometimes in personal development, people like me, we love workshops. We love trainings. We love books, right? And, you know, I know people if you’re listening to this podcast, it’s because you’re like me, you love to listen to stuff like this, right? There’s this moment where you’re like, oh, but then I’ll get there. No. There is no there.
Amanda
There is no magical destination, you are not going to be at the end of the rainbow. There is not a unicorn waiting for you.
Maggie
But if you want a unicorn, go buy one, it’s just not going to come at the end of anything.
Amanda
Yeah, no, it’s so true. And I think that like for me, that was really just having the empathy and compassion allowed me to look at my marriage to and not expect it to be perfect.
Maggie
Ah, so good. And how many of us have suffered thinking, Oh, it’s not perfect. Something’s wrong with me. Something’s wrong with him. Something’s wrong with us. This is terrible. We have to do something about it immediately. As opposed to wait, we’re all human. Humans are inherently messy. Oh my marriage is messy. Okay, literally, it’s fine.
Amanda
And that’s fine. Just move on. Yeah, just like take steps, do things like to make it better. Recognize what you can bring to the equation, understand what you can change and what you can’t. And make intentional choices from there and just have the empathy for yourself when you screw up, which you will.
Maggie
Yeah, let’s just set that as like, of course you will. Okay, something that happens a lot in coaching, and I want your take on it is you will find out something about yourself that you’re not delighted about. We’ll be talking or something will happen. And you’ll just share a story. And you’ll have a moment of awareness of something that maybe you never saw that particular way before. And it’s happened to me as a client of my coaches, and it’s happened to my clients that I work with them. And I always want to share, like, how did you handle that, when you had those moments?
Amanda
I think for me, like the biggest part, and it was really hard, even seeing it was that I had like these like crazy high expectations for my husband, like the bar was set extremely high. And what I really was, you know, taught to notice was that it was because my bar for myself was so high, and I never met it. So because I never met it that I would be like, honestly, I’d almost transfer that over to him. And I’d be so angry that he wasn’t meeting the bar, but I wasn’t meeting the bar because the bar was like, first of all, fictitional. And second of all, unattainable. And it really, you know, is powerful to know that a lot of time is the way we deal with other people is because of how we judge ourselves.
Maggie
Yes. So when you saw that, which wasn’t easy to see. One of the things we do a lot is cultivate compassion and gentleness, you’ll probably remember me saying gentle, I don’t know a thousand times. How did you just hold yourself with love? Like, what was your approach? When you saw Oh, my gosh, I put the bar so high, I’ll never meet it.
Amanda
You know, it’s such a process because like, I even think like, I’ve come so far, even since when we actually coach together. Yeah. I think it’s a path, you walk on. And you understand that you’re gonna come off the path and you’re gonna pull yourself back on it. And like empathy and compassion for yourself. It’s not something we’re taught. It’s not something that we actually even I think physiologically can experience just because of the way that our brain is set up. Yeah. So you have to make that choice. Yes. And just be open to the idea that it seems really comfortable to beat the crap out of yourself. Because you’ve done it for so long. But it never ever, ever, will bring you closer and like doing that for myself. I still do it. It’s still a practice. Yeah, the more empathetic and compassionate I am towards myself, the more that I can be towards my spouse, the more that I can be towards my kids. And sometimes I would even say to myself, and I remember you even asking me, like, if you were talking to your kids, how would you talk to them right now? And I think that’s a powerful thing to ask yourself, when you see yourself, just like flagellating yourself.
Maggie
Yes. If you have trouble accessing compassion for yourself, think of someone you love, and how you would walk them through or comfort them through whatever the thing is, and almost never, you know, have asked that question probably hundreds of times. And almost never will someone say well, I would yell at them too. I’d be like, idiot, what are you doing? Like, that’s never the answer, like oh, no, I would tell them, hey, you’re doing your best keep going. Right? That’s always the response. But when sometimes you have trouble accessing that for ourselves, the moment you add just anyone that you love and care about, you have that clarity and you just insert yourself into the sentence like, okay, so tell yourself the same thing, right?
Amanda
Yeah. And the thing that I think is so interesting about it Maggie, honestly is it feels like a lie when you do it, it feels like a lie like you’re lying to yourself. And eventually, if you do it enough, it won’t feel like a lie.
Maggie
100% Yes. Okay. So, literally, I recorded a podcast on flirting, I’ll put the links in the show notes of this one, because that’ll already be out when this comes out. And I literally was explaining that we have this glitch in our brain, where we think if something doesn’t feel natural, or organic, or spontaneous, then it’s wrong or bad, or we shouldn’t do it right. And as we’re talking now, this is such a clear example. It feels like a lie, right? Sometimes, and one of the things I’ve talked about in this episode on flirting is, when I talk to a couple who’s struggling, it’s like the fun has left the building, right?
Maggie
There is no fun, and it hasn’t been fun in a while and you try to infuse some fun, it feels like a lie. So it’s like we have to walk through, it’s almost like walking through a wave, you know, when you go to the beach, and the wave is sort of pushing in the opposite way. But you’re going back to shore, and you just have to walk through it. So you have to walk through that wave. It feels like a lie but I’m gonna do it anyway. Until it becomes my new normal. And I might have to do it 1000 times. We may talk five years from now and we might relisten to this. And you say, you know what, it’s my normal now. But it took me 1000 times to become like normal.
Amanda
Yeah I love that analogy. Because it does, and then it’s going to come again and again. And it’s going to come again. And then all of a sudden, you’ll just be beyond the waves. Yes. And you’re just swimming and it’s fine. And like, it’s such a great analogy, because I do think, and I work with clients now right? And it’s like, but I just remember when you taught it to me, I just felt like it seems so foreign. And I even remember you coaching me on having fun like, when was the last time you went and did something fun? I’m like, well, I’m too busy like being a mom and trying to run this business and trying to be good daughter and clean my house and yada yada yada. And you’re like, well, you need to like start building in some date nights. Like, why do I have to be the one who plans it?
Maggie
Yeah. How did you answer that?
Amanda
You know, at the time, I just remember just being like so triggered by that. Like, why do I have to arrange all the dates? Well, because I married a guy that doesn’t plan anything. He’s gonna keep being that guy.
Maggie
He’s not gonna change that. Right? It’s been but however, 20 something years, that’s not gonna change tomorrow, right?
Amanda
No, he’s not gonna be the planner. Like if I want to plan a date night, plan a date night and then decide that it’s going to be fun. Like, I think that that’s so foreign, it feels wrong. But the more that I did that, and the more that I continue to do that, and choose to do that, the better my marriage is, and the happier I am, which is what I want it.
Maggie
And that’s why you do it. Because the happier you are, the better it is for everybody, for your kids, for your husband for yourself, like everybody wins when you’re happy. It’s like, oh, why don’t have to do this thing, because everybody wins when you do that thing.
Amanda
Exactly. What’s happening recognize that like, I don’t know, it was very much something I had to wrap my head around, you know, because I think as women we get, especially like type-A type women, get really bogged down like, Well, I have to do everything. Okay, like, let’s just break it down a little bit.
Maggie
Also what is everything? Is it true that you have to do everything? And that I think it’s all coming back to slowing down? Like, think about a theme for this conversation. So much of it is slowing down long enough to have an intentional thought or an intention behind what’s happening and what you’re choosing. And if we’re going so fast, that we can’t do that, then we’re just always going to be frustrated and then fast didn’t actually get us anywhere.
Amanda
Yeah, yeah, that’s the thing, right is like, it’s, you talked about this actually, before you jumped on. I remember you saying you have to slow down to go fast. And I was like, Ah, that’s breaking my brain right now thinking that that’s true. Except that of course, like if I really think about it, I’ve seen such evidence of that, like, learn the skills and then it’s easier. It’s not so grimy and hard and more and more and more.
Maggie
Yeah, it’s so good. I was doing something so I put a bunch of things in coffee. My husband called me to the kitchen and he’s the chef. I’m the assistant, but I’m really good with coffee. So he’s like, hey, I need you to do my coffee. And I was like, Okay. And what I did was I took out all the things I was gonna put in the coffees, I put cinnamon and nutmeg and vanilla. And it’s like cafe Maggie. It’s like this really unique flavor. And I used to work with chefs back when I was in hospitality. And they would do mise en place. Mise en place is preparing the things that you’re going to use to cook, like laying out the ingredients. And that’s where you slow down to speed up. If I have the cinnamon and the nutmeg and the vanilla, all there, I make the coffee in 20 seconds. But if I have to hunt around for all the things and keep hunting around the kitchen and put it all together while I’m trying to do it, it takes twice as long.
Amanda
That’s such an interesting analogy, I like that. Yeah. And so true. And then yeah, I would say like that is the thing. Like, you taught me how to slow it down, and how to put blocks in place, like get the ingredients out. And like, I’m going to need this ingredient, and I’m going to need this ingredient. And like understanding that once they’re all there, then it works.
Maggie
Yeah. Okay, we’ve shared a bunch of fun memories. But I always say to ask what’s a fun memory that you have from coaching, whether it was in a session or something you did for coaching homework, something that popped out at you?
Amanda
You know what, like, I was thinking about that. And I was like, my favorite thing about coaching with you always was like, how you come to the call. You were like, it’s Amanda day! I feel like I remember when I first started coaching with you, and I’m like, Oh my goodness, like, this is crazy. No, like, I miss having that in my life. Like oh, I so miss having somebody being that excited to see me when I get on zoom.
Maggie
So especially with Amanda for some reason, I was like it’s Amanda day. And those of my clients like, are you ready to rock it out today? Like, let’s go right. And I do think it’s an interesting thing to experience. Like you said, having someone in your life who’s genuinely that excited to see you like, we’re gonna have an adventure. It’s gonna be amazing.
Amanda
Yeah, it’s so good. Yeah, I you know what I just that was when I was thinking about it, I’m like, just really don’t have a specific thing, though, that I just remember, like, really loving your energy so much.
Maggie
I love that. The coach must pause and take a deep breath. Okay I think we talked about it already but I always like to ask, When I tell people and obviously I’m talk about coaching all the time. And I tell people, it’s amazing, you should totally do it. Come on over. Right. I like to do that with a sense of like, this is the things you can create, you know, these are the effects that you can have in your relationship, how you can feel about yourself, like all the good stuff, but I always like to say, and it’s gonna be hard. And some of it’s gonna be uncomfortable. But that’s okay, you can handle it. So if you had to think of something that was hard that we haven’t touched upon yet, maybe we did already. But is there anything that comes to mind?
Amanda
I think the hardest thing for me was believing that I couldn’t just change my husband, and it would be all better. Like that, for me was so hard to wrap my head around. And I just remember coming to call after call and like, the same old stuff always comes up, right? Because you’re just building new thoughts and building new beliefs and whatever. But that was so hard for me to wrap my head around that I couldn’t change him and that I would still be able to have an amazing marriage with him not changing at all.
Maggie
Yeah. That is one of the hardest things. And it’s okay, for everyone listening. It’s okay if it takes a minute. It’s okay, if you have to do 1000 reps. It’s okay. Right. And also, it’s like this idea, but it can get like incrementally better, even while you’re figuring it out. Like you don’t even have to believe that completely. You just have to start doing stuff to feel better for yourself. And what happens is you start seeing how you’re feeling you’re like, Oh, I do feel better.
Amanda
Yeah, and I think that, you know, like, I learned a lot of different skills, like you can’t get everything you need from one person. Right? So looking for things that you need from other people, if you’re not getting it from your spouse, obviously, like not stepping out of your marriage, but like, yeah, you know, just recognizing that sometimes like if you like to go to farmers markets and your husband doesn’t then potentially you could find somebody to go to a farmers market with that isn’t your husband. And, you know, just like really, like you say taking, like what we talked about earlier, just like taking a step forward. And I think also just being able to lean into your belief that everything was going to be okay. At a time when maybe I just couldn’t really believe that yet.
Maggie
I love that so much. I call that borrowing belief, right? We borrow the belief of someone else, when we don’t have 100% for ourselves and something new. It’s like, well, she believes it’s possible, what if it’s true, right? What if she’s right? I think that’s so important. And, sometimes we borrow the belief from another person, if it’s your coach, if it’s a best friend, right? If it’s a colleague. Sometimes I like to think about borrowing the belief from other areas of our life. Because if you’re an amazing Mom, you love your kids so much, you know how to do that. What if you could also be an amazing wife and love your husband so much and learn how to do that. But if we borrow the belief from another area of our life, where we do have the results we want to be having. It’s like, I created that maybe I could also create this. That’s another way to borrow belief that I think is so powerful.
Amanda
Yeah, I think that’s really, really good. Like, it’s really beneficial, too. I think one thing that we did, like do a lot of was just play with things, right? We can just play here, we can just spend some time here we can kind of just like, it doesn’t have to be so serious. It can literally just be a little bit playful. Like, what if I tried this? What if it doesn’t work? Who cares? Like does it matter? You know, and just really being able to see that. Can I borrow belief from this other area in my life? What will that feel like? It feel uncomfortable, awesome. Uncomfortable means you’re doing it right. Let’s go.
Maggie
Yay. It means the coaching is working. Uncomfortable. Good. And okay, so another question I have is, what did your hubby think about our work together if he had anything to share about that?
Amanda
You know what, I didn’t ask him, but I already know. And so, when I hired you, I was talking about divorce. And like I was exceptionally unhappy. And he was all in for anything that would help. And in fact, he’s like, well, should I show up? Should I come? I’m like, No, this is only for me. I don’t want you there. And we were just in a bad place like, by no means was it like, oh, things are kind of bad, things were really bad. And now, he thinks you’re amazing. And he loves you. And I don’t even think he knows what you look like.
Maggie
Whatever you did with that lady, it was good to do more of that.
Amanda
At the time, like, you know what he was like, it’s how much? And he’s like hmm. I’m like, you know what, I guess you just need to ask yourself, like, Are we going to try this and make change? Or are we going to just continue down this road where I think we both know where it ends?
Maggie
Yeah, that’s so powerful. So good. Is there anything else you want to add anything we didn’t touch upon that you want to share?
Amanda
I don’t think there is anything that we didn’t really touch upon. You know, I think just ultimately, I mean, I would just love to add, and I’m not being endorsed for this in any way, that if you are thinking about working with Maggie, you should work with Maggie. Because, I mean, I’ve shared this with Maggie before, but she changed my life. Like all the feels are coming up for me right now. But like, literally changed my life.
Maggie
So, as a coach, one of the things we do is we always want our clients to see their own power, right. And even though I received that with so much love and gratitude, and it’s a beautiful thing, and I’m so happy to have been part of that, I want to have it recorded forever for posterity that you changed your life. Because even in the middle of feeling how you were feeling and having gone through so many things that didn’t quite work the way you thought they were gonna work. You still kept going, you left no stone unturned. You said, Well, maybe it’s this, right? And because you had that persistence and that resilience, and you were able to just say, Well, I’m gonna keep trying until I figure it out. That is truly what changed your life and I just got to be a witness and help you through it and help you walk through that. So I just to share that with you and with everyone listening.
Amanda
Well, thank you for that. And I agree. But I do think that the beauty of coaching is that it allows you to access that part of yourself you don’t even realize exists.
Maggie
Yeah. Yeah. So when I met Amanda, she was a stylist, she was a super cool fashion, brilliant mind in the fashion world. And now she’s a coach, which is amazing. Because now it’s like, one of the things that fills my heart with sweet delight, is you did this work for yourself, you saw how powerful it was. And now you share it with the world. And now you apply your genius that you used to apply to other things, to helping other people have those same moments that you had. That’s like everything.
Amanda
Yeah, you know, it’s like coming home for me, in all honesty. Yeah. So it’s pretty spectacular. And I just do think that the best gift you can give yourself is investing in yourself and finding ways to experiment. Like maybe this will work, maybe this will work. And not making whether or not it does or it doesn’t mean anything about you. It’s just not how I was taught. You know, it’s not how I think many people are taught.
Maggie
And we’re changing the conversation, like you and I and the rest of us who are in this world and trying to help people is like, we’re gonna teach you something new and something different. It doesn’t have to be the way we were taught.
Amanda
Yeah, and I do think that that is incredibly powerful. Because then I think we’re also keen to have control as type-A women in particular, to be in control of all the things all the time, which is why we’re so busy doing all the things, but realizing that the ultimate control is being able to understand that you are in control of how you feel all the time.
Maggie
So good. The ultimate control, it’s like, if we really want to control let’s go for the real deal.
Amanda
Yeah, like, drop all of this, like, external things that are happening and just recognize that, you know, and for you like just in what you do in your marriage, like, I don’t have to make it all perfect. To be okay here, and to like my marriage, and to love my husband and to be fulfilled by this. I don’t need all of that. But I’m going to have to take a minute and I’m going to have to break it all down.
Maggie
See, you got to take the minute. The magic is in the minute. One of the things I like to do, whenever I have interview shows is pick a random question from The Question For Couples Journal and just have fun with it. So let’s see what we pick. Some of the questions are a little more serious and I like to pick something that’s fun. Okay, on a scale of 1 to 10 how excited were you when you first got your driver’s license?
Amanda
Like a 10 because I failed it twice. It was so upsetting, I’m like what do you mean?
Maggie
I’ll tell you, I didn’t learn to drive until I was like a fully fledged adult, like most people learn when they’re teens. I used to take buses. And then when they learned to drive it literally they had to drive for work. And I had to go to LA so you guys imagine right? This is a person just learned to drive. And I would have to drive from the airport all the way to the office that I was going to on those like big five lane highways. So if you could just imagine me gripping the steering wheel for dear life, right. And back then there was no Google Maps there was what was it? It was MapQuest and they would have printed out before I was going to my destination. So I had a piece of paper. And I was like holding on for dear life.
Amanda
Oh my gosh.
Maggie
I would plan my lanes ahead of time, I would know every leg because changing lanes was the most stressful thing you could possibly ask me to do. So I knew my entire route and what lane I would be in for the whole thing.
Amanda
That’s awesome.
Maggie
So that’s The Questions For Couples Journal, you know, we would have never talked about that. I noticed when you said that you failed first. It’s like your resilience. But you kept going you’re like well doesn’t mean I’m not gonna drive. That’s an analogy for all of us remember if you fail your driving test, you’re gonna be like, well, I guess there’s no driving for me. No, you just take it again. How many things in life can we just do it again? Until we get there?
Amanda
Right? Like, why do we become adults and think that’s not a thing. Like it’s still a thing.
Maggie
So tell me how can people find you?
Amanda
Well, you can go on my website at 3sconfidence.com, or you can go on my Instagram. And that is @3sconfidence or you can find me also on my Facebook page at 3sconfidence.
Maggie
Brilliant. So we’re gonna put the links in the show notes. I just want to say it if you’re like listening to us, and you’re like, I need to know more about it right now. It’s 3, S as in Sam, confidence, because that’s what she’s all about. 3SConfidence whether it’s on Instagram or Facebook, or just go to her website 3sconfidence.com. You’ll find it. Thank you so so so much for being here. This is awesome.
Amanda
Oh my gosh, thank you for having me on. It was my absolute pleasure.
Maggie
Bye, everyone.