Maggie
Hello, everyone and welcome. I am so delighted to have Stephanie Rosenfield as my guest today. Stephanie is a Mom Coach. She’s also a Pediatric Speech Therapist. And even though I’ve known her for a while, I didn’t realize this. I’m so excited to find out about this. Stephanie helps moms of young kids and toddlers stop losing their minds and start enjoying motherhood.
And her mission is to create a world where moms have the tools to be happier more often and have more fun as a mom, which is awesome. And a world where moms can create peace in their house, even with young kids living in it.
I know some of you are thinking peace and young kids do not go together. So this is the episode for you if you’ve had that thought. And Stephanie is also a member of the inaugural round (the very first round) of the Marriage MBA, which is my Group Coaching Program. And we’re gonna talk all about motherhood and marriage today, and it’s gonna be so good. I am so excited to have her. So welcome, Stephanie.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Thank you. I’m so excited to be here.
Maggie
Okay. So first of all, tell us a little bit about what you do. Obviously, in the intro, we know that you Coach moms, but tell us a little bit about your approach and just what you’re all about in your work.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yeah, so I am on a mission to help moms live and be a happier version of themselves. I think a lot of times — I know, in my experience, what happened is once I had my son that I started to like sort of play a role that I didn’t actively choose. I felt like I was playing a part based on what was expected of me.
And I really encourage moms and work with them to choose the type of motherhood that they want. That’s based on what they value and the future that they see for themselves and their family. And I also help them or encourage them to raise, you know, to be the type of human that they want to raise.
Maggie
Oh, okay, slow down for a second. Be the type of human you want to raise really hit me because I think in marriage, I think about like, be the type of human you want to be married to. Right? I think that helps us so much in any role that we have in life.
If we’re a student and a teacher, or if we’re at work and we have a boss, if we’re a client and we’re in a Coaching Program. It’s like, be the thing you want to receive. I think first of all, that’s its own reward. And then you also start seeing that reflected back to you in those different containers where you show up as that up leveled version of you. What do you think about that?
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yeah, definitely. I think that as moms, you know, a lot of the moms I speak to, and I thought myself, “Oh, you know, I just want my kids to be happy.” And I hear that a lot. And I’m like, “No, you really don’t.” Life, you know, life isn’t happy.
I was sort of raised, just be happy. And then things happened, you know, in school and life that weren’t happy. And what I’ve really moved towards is, you know, wanting my children to be resilient humans who can cope.
Maggie
Oh, that’s so good.
Stephanie Rosenfield
So I am on a mission to be a resilient human who can cope and help moms be resilient humans who can cope.
Maggie
Yeah, that is so good. I love when you said — you know, we think about this, we don’t even think twice, “Oh, I just want to raise my kids to be happy.” Or, “I just want my friends to be happy or just my partner to be happy.” As if happy was the only thing we could be. Right?
But whatever created us — the divine, which is what I like to call it, or the way I like to think about it — we got created with all the emotions. I think — I like to think as emotions as colors. We don’t just have purple, or pink or blue. We also have brown and gray and black and all the dark colors and all the light colors, mix them together. So it’s like happy is just one in this beautiful kaleidoscope of emotions we can have. We actually do want all of them.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Exactly. Exactly. I love that.
Maggie
Yeah, that’s so good. So tell me, why did you decide to join the Marriage MBA?
Stephanie Rosenfield
So similar to what I was just saying, I saw a switch happen in myself and my marriage after I had my first son and this was about a year after my husband and I were married. And it’s almost like I was playing a role that I didn’t choose and that involved everyone else coming before me — sort of forgetting who I was.
This autonomous human who, you know, had choices and was a woman who decided things on her own to feeling insecure, and just being at the effect of what was happening. So I’ve, you know, my peer group, it’s like, “Just get through those first couple years.” “Things will get better in the marriage.” “Once the kids are in school, you’ll argue less, you’ll, you know, be less passive aggressive.”
But I know that what you practice sort of becomes permanent — it persists. And I didn’t want to spend 5, 6, 7 years eye-rolling and getting annoyed and frustrated, because I knew that, that would get bigger. And I worked so hard to be the mom that I wanted to be that I knew that I wanted to take the next steps to become like the wife that I wanted to be.
Maggie
Oh, that’s so good. Two things really popped out of me about what you said. First of all: what you practice persists. That is so well said in such a beautifully succinct way for all of us to remember. It’s like, what am I practicing? That is what is going to persist and become permanent. I love that you said that what you practice is what becomes permanent. Whoo. If I stop practicing it, then it doesn’t have to be permanent. So good.
And then the idea that the kids in school or some external change in a circumstance or in the situation would automatically resolve the problem. There are some things, right, where we change the situation — I don’t know… if I’m sleeping next to a train track, and I move to a place that doesn’t have train tracks, that will resolve the problem. So there are some situations where that is true.
But in like 98% of life, just the external situation, and even the train track (a random example) it’s like, I could still have insomnia with no train tracks next to me. Just removing the train tracks in and of itself would not automatically solve the problem for every single person. Maybe for some people it would and some it wouldn’t.
What do you think about that? Because we put so much external value in when the kids are older, when they’re in a different stage of their life, when this other thing happens. Sometime in the future everything will be different, because this one thing changed. But that’s not guaranteed. That’s not actually real.
Stephanie Rosenfield
I totally agree. And I just looked to my past: you know, once I graduate college or get married or have that family, then everything will be better. I’ll be happy. Things will be okay. But I checked off all of those things…
Maggie
Right. And it’s this idea, like, oh, what if we do get better now? What if we do whatever it is we’re dreaming of, wanting, and craving now, as opposed to waiting until some magic moment that never comes?
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yeah, I’m a big believer in like, this is our one chance. This is our one, you know, whatever you believe, but this is my one chance at this. And why do I want to wait to be connected with my partner and have that relationship. And also I look at it as the example that I am for my kids.
So they can see what a marriage is like. I grew up with a different circumstance, but they can see what a marriage is like, so that they can also learn what it’s like to be a partner. And so I see it as like a generational compounding.
Maggie
Yes, a generational thing. That’s so good. And one thing you said really called to me, which is: this is our one chance. And this is that place where we invite everyone who’s listening to step into the duality, right? It’s like, it’s our one chance. It’s great if you use it like Stephanie does to inspire herself to do the things she wants to do with her life, and be the woman she wants to be for her kids.
And also, we have an endless amount of opportunities to do over because as long as we’re alive, in every year, we have 365 opportunities to do it differently the next time. But it’s a duality. Both of those things are true. This is my one chance in this moment. And also what I’m practicing doesn’t have to persist if I change what ‘m practicing to go back to that.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yeah, it’s like it’s what you teach. It’s like that constant compassion for yourself instead of the judgment of I didn’t do it right. Or what did I do wrong? It’s that it’s, it’s that compassion so that you can keep trying and moving forward?
Maggie
Yeah, I love that so much. So I have to ask you, before we move on, you are a speech — let me make sure I say it correctly. A Pediatric Speech Therapist. How does that influence your Coaching? How does that influence your approach to resilience? I’m sure there’s so much in speech therapy that cultivates resilience, just by the nature of what it is. Can you tell us a little bit about that? I’m just so curious.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yeah, so my background is Pediatric Speech Therapy, which is also Early Childhood Development. So I previously worked with kids — really birth to three years and then that three to five year range — and worked with them in their families. And I really saw that, you know, it’s a system so when I went in there to help you know, to help the child It was also helping the parent be able to to help their kids.
And I worked with things, you know, various disabilities, and speech delays, and it really ran the gamut. But part of it is that the resilience of I keep trying and with the positive reinforcement, the changes that can be made in the young kid’s life so that they’re able to, you know, access.
Maggie
Yes. So it seems that you saw it in the sort of like clinical environment over and over again. It’s like, the more we cultivate resilience, the more they keep trying, the more changes they make. And then that idea that they’re in this system that is the child and the parents together. And together, they are all part of one whole, right?
It’s one of my favorite things when — like one of the foundational cores of the work I do is from Systems Theory in Psychology, which is: we change one element in the system. So everyone who listens to the podcast knows I help one wife at a time make her marriage better without her partner, no matter what her partner’s doing. Like we leave our partners alone. We just love on them. Right?
And then that change in the system has an impact on — in your case, in both Speech Pathology and in your work with moms. It just changes the whole dynamic of the system. And in my work with marriage, I’ve seen it also over and over again, it’s like this theory — let’s put it to the test. Is it real? And every time we test it, we’re like, oh, yeah, it’s definitely real. What are your thoughts around that?
Stephanie Rosenfield
I mean, I see it every day in my practice, too. Ones, you know, we can teach the mom how to be that, you know that calm, compassionate — and again, not all of the time. It’s not realistic. But even having the compassion for herself when she doesn’t get it right. Like, “Oh, maybe I could have done it better there.” Just approaching herself and her children differently. You know, the kids tend to have less temper tantrums, the kids start to apologize and be empathetic. All the things that they wanted that they were like, oh so frustrated about end up happening once…
Maggie
The mom makes the shift, right?
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yeah.
Maggie
Yeah. So similar. I love that. What I’m hearing is it’s so similar with what I do with marriage what you do with motherhood. It’s like we just focus on how we want to show up in the world and then we see what happens. It’s a great experiment and 98% of the time, a lot of good things happen, right?
There’s always a percent where we’re like, okay, maybe we do need to explore other things. But 98% of the time, it’s pretty good. Right? Okay. And that’s not a mathematical calculation for some of my stat people that are listening. That’s just like an extrapolation, right? It’s just my thought about it.
Okay, so tell me a little bit about some of your favorite either Coaching moments, things you’ve uncovered in your own work and the work we’ve been doing together, or an aha moment that you’ve had. Anything that you want to share that you just feel has been valuable to you. Because what I’ve learned over the course of hosting this show is that if it’s valuable to you, it’s going to be valuable to everyone listening.
Stephanie Rosenfield
So many things, Maggie. I’ve learned so many things from you. And I think that okay, so one of the main things that stuck with me was when you introduced the Emotional Weight Loss, and it was curiosity. Instead of getting defensive, be curious. And when you said that I was like, but how?
And what happened was, I used a lot of your concepts to get to this point. For example, cultivating team. My husband and I are on the same team. We have the same goal of raising, you know, wanting to raise well rounded kids. Of not wanting to, you know, argue with each other, of loving each other. So if I could go into it, recognizing we’re on the same team here, I was more likely to be curious in the moment.
Maggie
Oh, that’s so good. Yes.
Stephanie Rosenfield
And also the right and wrong, like you mentioned. It’s not brain surgery, most of the time. Brain surgery, it has to be right. But in this instance, with, you know, talking to the kids or whatever, is there a right and wrong? And once I got unstuck to my notion of right and wrong, again, I could approach with curiosity, and ask questions. And it really just created so much more connection.
Maggie
I love that so much. Okay, we’re gonna talk about that a little bit because I think that’s so important. And so many of us have jobs and roles where there is a very clear cut right and wrong in some contexts of our life. Right?
So, as I mentioned on the show, like, I’m not a mom, but if I was taking a kid in my car, I’d want the car seat, I’d want it installed the right way. There is a right and wrong to transport a human, right? That is actually creating a more safe, a more likely safe outcome for going from here to Target or wherever we’re going, right?
So there are contexts in our everyday life where there is a right and a wrong, but there are so many contexts in our life, where it could be one of a multiple variety of ways. We bring the right and wrong that we have, whether it’s in school, at work, with our bosses and our businesses, we bring it to, oh, this also has a right and wrong.
And just loosening the grip on what if there are multiple rights and multiple wrongs, right, and multiple ways to just approach the situation? It sounds really simple when we say it here, but when you really (like Stephanie worked on this, I know for quite a bit) to really embrace like that is really true in a variety of situations. It opens up something that just wasn’t there before.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yes, and I see this with moms as well. You know, what is the right way to sleep train, like as an example? Or what is the right way to react when my kid hits? Let me Google. Let me do all the research. Let me find the right way.
And what happens is, when you look for the right way, you can find research articles that say this one way and research articles that say this other way. So I think also, it’s that outsourcing of right and wrong versus asking, well, why? What do I think?
Maggie
Yes.
Stephanie Rosenfield
What is right, you know, what is you know, what is happening inside here?
Maggie
I love that so much, because what is the ultimate liberation of a woman is to follow her own discernment. Right? Get information, absolutely. Information is useful. We love science. Science is good. We love research.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Love research.
Maggie
Research is good. And then I take all that in and then what does my discernment say about that? So good. Okay, what else? I know you have a couple of things.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I think also — so I had worked really hard to feel like competent and confident as a mom. Again, most right, like most waxes and wanes, but most of the time. And I think what being in your group really helped me do was have the ability to realize like, I am a capable human in my marriage also.
So what that means is I had a tendency to want to fix my husband. Fix his emotions, if he was in a, if he was upset about work, or in a bad mood, or whatever it may be, I would go into let’s fix it mode. Here are all the suggestions. Let’s get you out of feeling this way. And I relate it to what I teach moms also, because I always say that our kids want to be seen not fixed.
Maggie
Oh, okay. Slow down. Okay. I know there’s more to this, but we have to pause here. Our kids want to be seen not fixed. I think that’s every human. We want to be seen, not fixed. Because someone comes up to us and says, you know, “I’m going to fix you,” that implies something’s wrong with me.
But if somebody comes up to us to say, “I see you. I see you.” We can just see each other in our humanity with the ups and the downs, and the good and the bad, and what I call the big burrito of life — it all comes rolled into one, right?
Oh, Stephanie. That’s so good. Okay. So you were saying that. I had to pause for all of us to digest it. So our kids (and every human) want to be seen and not fixed. And you were able to take what you teach your mom’s to your husband?
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yeah. So for example, if my son is playing at a park, and he’s playing with some friends, and the friends say, “I don’t want to play with you,” and he comes over to me crying. It is so easy for me to just say, here are the seven things that you could do — say this, go play with other friends.
But in that moment, he wants to hear like, “Yeah, you’re feeling sad. It feels sad and hurt that they said those words, right?” And similarly, if his block tower falls down. And I use the example I’m like, you know, I’m writing an email. I spent a lot of time on that email, my computer shuts down. Right?
Someone says, “Oh, that’s fine. Just rewrite it.” I’m like, no, don’t. I don’t want to just rewrite it. I spent all that time. So the block tower and the kids, it’s — you think about yourself, sort of what you’re saying– and I just want to be like, yeah, that sucks.
Maggie
Yeah. And have that moment to experience the grief. I think in our society, we think — well, let me not talk for the entirety of society. When I think of grief, I think someone has passed away. Some huge things occurred or relationships ended. I associate grief with these big blockbuster moments in our lives, right?
And I think that the reality of grief or sadness or experiencing a loss, is that moment that the kids didn’t invite me, I had a moment of grief. That moment that I lost that email that I spent five hours writing (which by the way, that has totally happened to me) and I totally have felt grief around that.
That moment, I need to experience that emotion and that emotion is appropriate there. It is fine. We don’t have to change it. It shows us we are alive, human, and care about these different things. Right?
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yeah so what was fabulous is I was able to see that and then apply it like, okay, he’s feeling this. He shouldn’t be. He wants to be seen, not fixed. But I can still exist over here as a person who isn’t in that emotion with him.
Maggie
Yes. Oh, that’s so important. So okay, you reminded me of two things. One is one thing you’ve probably heard me ask a bunch of times, which is: what is mine to do? What is mine? Like what belongs to me? What belongs to him?
This is something we talk about in a variety of situations. It’s like, I can be this person over here and he can be this person over there. And we can each own our own things. I don’t have to own his and he doesn’t own mine. Right? That’s it’s so important.
And the other thing you reminded me that is something that I talk a lot about — I think, in the group, and in my 1:1, which is now being retired — but I have talked about it a lot, is you are already good at this. So for everyone listening, think about one thing you’re struggling with in your relationship, and think about the other areas of your life where you have similar themes.
Is it possible, you’re already good at this? Because Stephanie was already good at seeing without fixing, to the degree that she teaches people how to see without fixing. She’s like that good at it. We all have things we’re really good at. And then we open the door to our home, and we get amnesia, and we forget. And I just love thinking, is there a way you’re already good at this? And this is such a great example of that.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yeah. I love that. Yes, it’s all it’s almost like you’re already whole, you’re already good. How are you? And how can you apply it?
Maggie
Yeah. How can you apply it in this particular scenario? And that so much, so good. Okay, what else do you have?
Stephanie Rosenfield
And I think the idea that acceptance isn’t agreeing or allowing. And it’s, I think that I sort of thought they had two choices in a situation. I could either, quote unquote, not let it happen, but just passive aggressive, allow, like, whatever or react. And this is sort of that in between where this is happening. Now what? Who do I want to be here?
Maggie
Oh, that’s so good. Yeah.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Those were your words.
Maggie
I like that, apparently. Like Stephanie, I like that so much. Okay, that I agree. I agree with myself. Like, did I say that? Was that a good idea? Okay, it was.
Stephanie Rosenfield
So I just think that we’ve been able to have so much more productive conversations. I mean, he’s even said, he’s like — I’m like, “What have you noticed?” He’s like, you’re really able to hear my side of things.
Maggie
Oh, that’s the best. Think about that. You’re really able to hear my side of things. Let’s think about ourselves when we feel like somebody doesn’t hear our side of things and how awful that feels. And if we can just create a space where we can just hear another person’s side of things. That’s everything, right? In so many ways.
So good. Okay, so my next question is: what kind of results did you create? But you’re an overachiever, already answered that — which is your husband is saying, “I feel like you hear my side of things,” which is a beautiful result to come from coaching.
Stephanie Rosenfield
And I mentioned this on one of our calls recently, like I was — I said I was sorry, and it may not, you know, to some people, they maybe say I’m sorry a lot, but for me, it was, I said something. And I took a step back and I thought about it. I was like, did I like who I was there? You know, I reevaluated and I noticed that wasn’t how I wanted to approach it. So I was able to do it without that “I’m admitting that I’m wrong” or any of that. It was just that, like, I love him, and I want to apologize because that could be hurtful.
Maggie
That’s so powerful to just, I think, showing up with intention. I really think that everything I teach on the podcast and in the Marriage MBA is just — what are all the different ways we can show up with intention? And all of these different avenues until we find the combination of things that works for us to show up as our highest, best, most loving self.
So just an idea of: I apologize because that’s how I want it to be — whether he accepted the apology or not becomes irrelevant (although most people do) but it doesn’t matter even as much as because it’s because who I wanted to be in the world.
I love that. And as we know, from being clients and being Coaches, sometimes when we are Coaching we discover something about ourselves that feels challenging or that we’re not delighted about. Did you have any moment like that where you just — I know you already talked about activating compassion when those moments happen — but is there anything that comes to mind that you want to share around that?
Stephanie Rosenfield
I think just taking more — like my role, like things that I was doing that I thought were helpful — like the fixing or the moving him out of the emotion. It was hard to see because I was like, “this is gonna be so hard to change.” I’m, you know, I’m like, I’m doing it. But as I said, once — it wasn’t. Like again, it’s baby steps. It’s taking small things and applying them. But I think it was that first belief of, “I have so far to go.” But I didn’t if that makes any sense.
Maggie
Yeah, it’s you you’re already good at this. You can already do this. What if it’s one tweak? What if it’s one intention away, or one thought away, or one decision away, one reevaluation away? Like what if it’s that close? And then it really does get closer and closer, because you’re making more and more intentional decisions, like every day, right? In those small moments.
How do you see this show up in motherhood? So I know that is a very loaded idea that you become a mom and you think it’s gonna be amazing. And of course, you love your kids, but then you’re either disappointed in them, or you’re disappointed in yourself, and then you feel guilty, because kids should be the ultimate zenith of happiness and joy, right? Like this mental construct we have.
I’m not saying that they should be. I’m saying we have this mental construct that they should be. So how do you approach that with your own moms, where they find out something that they’re not proud of when it comes to being a mom?
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yeah. So I think the first thing that we notice is that when you say that you don’t like something about yourself, what actually does, it creates, you know, “I shouldn’t have done this. I’m awful because I yelled.” It creates such negative, you know, shame or in a negative emotion about yourself, that the action that it inspires is actually no action or more yelling, or more of that behavior that you don’t want.
And you think that, “I should never — I’m never gonna yell again. I’m awful,” will produce the opposite, right? But it really doesn’t, it produces more of the behavior that you don’t want to see. So the first step in noticing: wow, my opinion of what I think about myself as a mom actually will help me not yell and do more of the things that I want to do. So I am — you know, I am a good mom having a hard time. All moms go through this. Good moms yell sometimes. And it’s not to say that you’re allowing that behavior, you know?
Maggie
Right. It’s not that you endorse that yelling is the best idea ever. It’s just that we realize that we’re human and sometimes we just lose it.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yes. Good moms yell sometimes.
Maggie
Yeah, exactly.
Stephanie Rosenfield
It’s good teaching moment for your kids. “Mommy yelled. Mommy was feeling angry. I’m sorry.” So you know, and so it’s using that moment, as this is a really great teaching moment to teach my child what it is to be human.
Maggie
Yeah, I love that so much. And I feel that there’s so much parallels because it’s really the experience of humanity, through the lens of motherhood or through the lens of marriage. It’s like, I’m a good wife and sometimes I yell. Or I’m a good wife, and sometimes I try to fix or whatever it is, right?
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yeah. And it’s also encouraging moms to put themselves like — and this is the same in marriage I think — putting themselves on par. Their motherhood on par with the childhood. Like so, my motherhood is as important as their childhood. So me saying yes to working out or whatever that is — that 30 minute drive — is as important as their childhood.
Maggie
Yes. That is so… okay. I love the way you say all the things. Some of them you’re quoting me, but this is a Stephanie original. My motherhood is as important as their childhood. Everyone who’s a mom needs to write that down right now.
Okay. And when I look at it through that lens, through the marriage lens that I use on a regular basis, it’s fueling myself or loving myself doesn’t take away from my marriage, it contributes to it. I’m not taking anything away from anyone. On the contrary, it’s allowing me to contribute in a more powerful and more loving, more intentional way to whatever it is I’m doing.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yes. And similarly, it fuels your ability to be a mom.
Maggie
Yes. Yeah. I love that so much. What’s a fun memory that you have either from a session or from coaching homework, something that comes to mind that made you laugh?
Stephanie Rosenfield
I have just had so much fun with the group. I think that, you know, when you think of women coming together (my experience and my peer group, again) it’s a lot of complaining and it’s not necessarily focusing on the positive or changes, but it’s just so fun to be in a group of women that celebrate each other.
And I was a little nervous beforehand, like, you know, sharing things — what’s it gonna be like, but it’s so supportive, and you feel so held by everyone and just realizing we are all experiencing similar things.
Maggie
Yes. Yes. We all have marriage challenges. We all have moments that we share that we’re not proud of, or things that we could have done better. And we’re all in this together. And this reminds me — a totally random example, but I think it’s such a good example to illustrate this.
When I first left corporate, I joined Toastmasters. And I wanted to practice speaking, because I knew I’d be speaking a lot in a variety of situations. And I remember going to the first few meetings, and I felt like everyone was on my side. It was like, what is that about? Who are these people?
And I, you know, sort of then took my Life Coach analytical brain and said, “Oh, everyone is here because they want to grow as a speaker, and everyone who’s here appreciates the feedback and the camaraderie and the support of everyone else who’s here. And together, we create this experience.”
And it’s like, oh, that’s exactly sort of the essence of what the intention was with the group, which is: everyone who’s here is growing together, and everyone helps each other do that, right.?
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yes.
Maggie
And how many rooms do we walk into in life where everybody is on our side?
Stephanie Rosenfield
Not many.
Maggie
It’s something that really gave me pause is like, “Oh, this could be a room where that happens. What if we had that?”
Stephanie Rosenfield
And it’s just been, for me, so fun, right? So it’s been great work and all of these things, but it’s also been really fun.
Maggie
Yeah, I love that. So of course, we talked about the fun. And then what was hard, if there was one hard thing that comes to mind?
Stephanie Rosenfield
I think just some of the pain, some of the pain that comes up with the aspects being Coached on. But I think even that, just being able to express it, and being held in a group — without it being fixed, or talked away, or like, “Oh, it’s all gonna be okay.” Those types of things was — it was hard, but it was so powerful.
Maggie
I love that. So now I’m gonna ask you a super shameless question. Because we practice owning our power on the show. What did you like about working with me in the program?
Stephanie Rosenfield
Maggie, you are so fabulous to work with. It’s just your ability to hold such a nice, clean space. Like, I feel so comfortable and so held. And, you know, I was, you know, worried with all the members in a group about how that would feel and how it would be run, but your ability to give everyone their space and their voice and Coach people has just been so wonderful to witness.
Maggie
Okay, so behind the scenes everyone, I feel my heart is beating faster. I’m practicing receiving, but I just wanted to be really real that that just brought emotion up in me, like I’m a little bit teary eyed, and I’m just trying to breathe through it. And I just want to make that normal, right?
Like, of course, my highest intention is for the program to be useful and to, you know, for us to together create the intention that every single person who joins had when they joined. And that is my highest intention, so I’m always delighted to hear that it’s happening. And then I’m also like, about to cry, because it’s happening. Right?
So I think that, one of the things in my own journey is learning to have this idea of removing hierarchy from things like, yes, I’m a Coach. And in this moment, I may ask a question that’s useful and powerful, but our highest inner wisdom is equal and your highest inner wisdom is not less than mine. And mine is not more than yours. And, same in reverse.
And so to have that intention, and to practice it in the group, and then to see it realized, I literally just need to, like, take a deep breath right now. Okay, everyone, breathe. That’s always a good idea.
Okay, one of the things that when we prepare for an interview show I ask my clients who are coming on is: what did your hubby think about our work together? And if he has anything he wants to share, you can share it. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t have to. It’s totally optional, but did he have anything that he wanted to share? I want to give space for that.
Stephanie Rosenfield
I think — I’ve heard a couple comments over the past six months just like oh, you know, thank you for apologizing or just him noticing. And I think most recently, before this interview when I asked him, it was that your ability to see my side of things to it just be like, like we’re both an equal in a conversation. I’m always jumping and I mean, I think I was the jumper but I’m not jumping anymore. Where we’re both just — we’re two equals, two people in it together having a conversation that could be could be easy.
Maggie
Right. It could be easy.
Stephanie Rosenfield
It can be easy. That’s been huge.
Maggie
I love it. Is there anything else that you want to add? I always want to give space for anything that comes to mind that you want to share?
Stephanie Rosenfield
No, I just really appreciated my time in the group. And just, I think before coming into this, just the tools I had learned it, I didn’t realize that there was an in between where I could request and that things that I could do that could promote conversation, that could promote us both working together. I had thought I just have to change my thoughts and be happy about this, or not. So this gave me a different way that has been really productive and helpful.
Maggie
So let’s pause there. Because I think that, that is really important. Of course, we can change our perspective anytime. And what our perspective allows us to do when we change it, is show up differently. It doesn’t mean I go off with my thoughts by myself, and then don’t engage with whatever the situation, or the people, or that whatever it is that’s going on — whether it’s motherhood, marriage, work, whatever it is.
And it’s like, oh, yes. I can have a better thought about the whole situation. And I can also think about: how would I like it to go? What would feel good? And we’ll link to the episode on Requests Versus Demands, because that’s something that just comes up a lot, so I want everyone listening to hear that. That is: I can make a request, not make it a demand of my partner, and say, “I would love it if we did this. Are you open for that?”
And if they are, great. And if they’re not, even the act of making the request, you can go back and see, “Well, how do I get the essence of that thing that I want? What could that look like?” And so you’re not over here, lingering with this deep desire that never gets fulfilled. You’re like, “Oh, I’m gonna try to see how it goes with my partner. And then I’m gonna explore what that looks like in a variety of ways so that I fulfill that desire for myself.”
Stephanie Rosenfield
Yeah, yes. Linking it to the feeling and the action, the different action, versus I didn’t even think that those actions were a possibility before.
Maggie
Right, exactly. I love that so much. It’s so good. Okay, so I always like to wrap up every interview with a question from The Question for Couples Journal. So this is a fun one. What is a hobby or pastime that you love doing with your partner, and what makes it fun?
Stephanie Rosenfield
We love traveling. It’s been hard with COVID. But we have gotten a couple little times away. And just what makes it fun is our ability to be away from home and kids. And just remember why we love each other and the things that we liked while we were dating and playing board games, listening to music, going to a nice dinner. So our ability to do the fun things together.
Maggie
That’s so good. I love that so much. That is so beautiful. Thank you so much, Stephanie. Not just for coming on the podcast with such a beautiful open heart but for always coming with an open heart to all to all of our time together. So thank you.
Stephanie Rosenfield
Thank you for having me.
Maggie
And I know all the moms who are listening right now are going to want to follow you, so tell everyone: what is the best way to follow you, stay in touch with you, learn more about what you teach about motherhood?
Stephanie Rosenfield
Instagram. It’s @Stephanie.Rosenfield. That’s the best way.
Maggie
Perfect. We’ll link to that in the show notes too. So if you’re listening and you’re like, “Okay, I can’t write this down right now.” No worries. It’ll be in the show notes as well. But Instagram. Follow Stephanie. She’s brilliant as you now all know. Thank you for coming on the show. Bye everyone.