Maggie
Hello everyone. Welcome. Today we are going to dive into a conversation that I love. I love thinking about marriage and relationships differently. And I am so excited and so honored to have one of my friends, mentor, former client, per human that I just adore to join us today.
Her name is Lacey Sites. I’m going to give you her formal introduction in case this is the first time you’re listening to the show. She was on before and we did an episode called Coaching, Therapy, and Emotional Leadership. We will link to that in the show notes because all time spent with Lacey is time well spent.
But let me introduce you to her. She is a business mentor and success Coach. She helps high performing women entrepreneurs build and grow service based businesses that truly light them up. She is all about a Lit Up Life. And she helps women create personal and financial freedom as well as impact.
She has an MS in Mental Health Counseling and an MBA in Ethical Leadership and Lacey is the creator of the very innovative behind the scenes Coaching podcast, LITerally. Now if you look up, LITerally, you’re gonna see Rob Lowe because her idea was so brilliant that Rob Lowe also has a podcast name Literally.
So you need to put in Literally and Lacey Sites, which we’ll link to in the show notes. But if you’re listening to this and you want to look it up later, LITerally and Lacey Sites and you will hear her doing actual Coaching sessions with her actual clients.
It’s super innovative, it’s amazing, highly recommend. She’s also the co-host of Happy Thoughts, which is a podcast where she just talks about the life of a Coach, business woman, entrepreneur, all the mindset challenges and different things that come up. It is not a business focused podcast, it is a life focused podcast. And we will link to that in the show notes as well.
And she’s also the co-creator of an email based mindset program called Happy Magic that I adore. I love getting happy magic in my mailbox. It’s a 90 day program. And when you finish the 90 days, you can get it for another set of 90 days. And I think I’m in like my fourth round of 90 days. It’s amazing. We will definitely ask her a little bit about that on the show today. So stay tuned to hear about happy thoughts and how wonderful it is. And I love it so much.
Lacey was one of my very first Coaches when I was still working in HR and transitioning to starting my own business. We worked together for several years. To this day, I love everything she does. And I was listening to one of her lives in her facebook group, which is called the Lit Up and Loaded Entrepreneur. And she was talking about how we can look at things from a lens of easy versus hard when it comes to business.
And I watched it and it just lit me up completely. And I asked her if she would come on the show, share what she was talking about in the context of business. But we’re gonna talk about it in the context of relationships and marriage and life. And I just think you’re gonna get so much out of this conversation. I’m so excited to share it with you. So welcome back, Lacey. I’m so delighted you’re here.
Lacey
Ah, thank you, you’re the best. That was such a beautiful introduction. And I’m so happy to be here. So thank you for having me.
Maggie
And we just have to say we love Rob Lowe. But he couldn’t have had a better idea for a podcast.
Lacey
Right? He totally swiped my podcast name.
Maggie
Yours came out first for the official record. Just so everyone knows. Okay so, I invited you on to talk through this idea of easy versus hard and how we think about easy versus hard and relationships, in business, in work, in any part of our lives. And I would love for you to tell the story because it all started at a barre class. So tell us about that.
Lacey
Yes. It’s so funny. It’s so true, though. Like I feel like I really think I remember this moment so well, you know, but I was at barre on like a Wednesday — I think it was a Wednesday. And two of the women that came to the class often were talking about how they were going to the beach that day.
And I kind of had this pause moment of like, “Oh, interesting. Like I have a pretty full day of Coaching calls. Like I wonder would I rather like be spending my day at the beach? Would I rather be going to the Coaching calls?
And ultimately, what I kind of came to after thinking about that, is like yeah, I would definitely rather be doing the Coaching calls, but it doesn’t mean that there’s not part of me that still wants to go to the beach. But I feel like, you know, where we go wrong sometimes is, you know, it’s so easy in business to be like, “Oh, I’m building the wrong business because I can’t just go to the beach randomly on a Wednesday because I have to, you know, do the calls or do the things.”
And I feel like, you know, in the Coaching space or anywhere in the online business space that can get vilified so quickly to like, have the business where like, I would genuinely would have to say no to going to the beach that day.
Like I have clients, I have calls like, that wasn’t gonna happen. But I feel like that’s such a micro way of looking at it. Right? Versus the macro. And that’s what you share so much in marriage too, where it’s like, not every moment or every day, it’s gonna be like rainbows and butterflies, but like, macro, like, does it give you so much more?
And like my business for sure does. So that was just like a really helpful check in moment for myself where it’s like, I would still choose the business, even if Wednesday I’m not going to the beach, right?
Maggie
And what called to me so deeply when I heard you talking about that is, so many times in relationships, we make trade offs, which I know is one of the things you talk about so much. And it’s we just have to choose which trade off are we willing to make?
Like you’re willing to make the trade off of not going to the beach to have a business that lights you up every day all the time. It’s like when we’re married to someone, and maybe they have circumstances that are challenging, maybe we can’t — like I don’t have children. But I know, friends and colleagues that become step moms or have to deal with things that weren’t anticipated in the process of loving this other human, right?
Or the human develops a health challenge, whether the physical health challenge or a mental health challenge. And it’s like, oh, now we’re dealing with this thing. But it’s a trade off that I’m willing to make. And the idea that we shouldn’t have any trade offs, to me is the poison for business, for careers, for relationships.
Whether you’re, you know — I used to work in HR. So if you’re climbing the corporate ladder, it’s like, what is the trade off? Okay, can we have this fascinating work, but now I’m gonna have to travel 30% of the time. Am I willing to make that trade off? And in some chapters of your life, you aren’t in some type of chapters you aren’t.
I think having the conversation around: ist’s okay if we make trade offs. It sounds simple and it sounds so obvious. But I think we unconsciously adopt this kind of, I don’t know, like, I hate to — there’s a show called The Bachelor, that I criticize, often liberally.
And it’s like this bachelor mindset, like, it should be perfect. It should have, you know, it should be a yacht in the ocean, and the day should be sunny and all the things and we forget, there’s like 100 production assistants, you know, waving fans and doing things to give you shade, right? It’s not perfect, even in those quote unquote, picture perfect bachelor moments.
Lacey
It’s so true. And I think, yeah, business is so the same with that, too, you know, where it’s like, so easy to think like, “Oh, like, if I had the right business, not only would I be lit up by it, but I wouldn’t be able to go to the beach whenever I wanted, and I would never have a hard day. And, and, and…”
Then, you know, that is just not the human plane on which we live. But it is what makes being on the human plane so freakin difficult when you’re always able to find a thing that, “this should look different. This should look different.”
And I think that’s something with marriage, so much too. Where like, you’re an imperfect person marrying an imperfect person. So if you want to spend all your time thinking about what should look different, you could find unless things I’m certain, right?
But it just doesn’t help you. It doesn’t help you have a better marriage or a better experience. Just like obsessing over not being able to go to the beach on a Wednesday doesn’t help you have a better business or a better week or better results or any of those things, right?
Maggie
And it’s also we don’t even know, you know, this was a barre class, you sort of overheard these people talking, but we don’t know — maybe they planned that beach event for a month ahead of time. And they all made arrangements and did things.
Like we see — this is emblematic of what we see online. We see one piece of a person’s life. They’re going to the beach on a Wednesday, and we don’t know everything that went into that, right? Or like sometimes I will finish early, and I’ll finish at three o’clock and I’m done.
And then other times, I’m working at midnight, right? Like I was writing the notes for this podcast at 11 o’clock last night, right? And it’s like we’re willing to make those trade offs but noticing that it’s okay if it feels like a trade off.
Lacey
100% and I think almost everything we want comes with those. What I find is like: are you just being intentional with those, right? You know, so like that question in that barre class is like: am I being intentional With the trade off of.
So for me, I run my business in a one on one focus model so it requires a lot of my face to face attention. And so am I making that trade off with conscious intention and awareness? Then it’s gonna mostly feel good to me. If I’m just kind of going through that not paying attention, you know, then it’s where it’s easier to make it wrong.
And I think marriage is similar to that, too. Am I making the choices in how I want to show up with conscious intention and awareness, then I’m gonna feel a little bit better about it. If I feel like this thing just happened to me, it’s easier to vilify it, right?
Maggie
Yes. And I think that, that’s so important. It’s like the cultural narratives or the cultural messages that we receive is how we get into this place where we think things are just happening to us, because we have this unquestioned thought about how things quote unquote, should be versus how they are.
And then we focus on how we think it should be. And sometimes when we dig into that logic, there’s like nothing underneath. It’s like, why do you think it should be that way? Based on what did we come to that conclusion?
And that’s really one of the things I want to talk about in the podcast. When we think about doing relationships differently, doing marriage differently, what kind of marriage do I want? Did I ever stop and ask myself what’s really important to me?
Sometimes we have, but sometimes we really haven’t. And sometimes that also changes. What was really important to me 10 years ago, or 20 years ago, is not the same as what’s important to me now, is not the same as what’s important to me 15 years from now.
Lacey
Absolutely. And I feel like it’s — you’re making such an important point, which is just that that’s not the cultural norms to even stop and ask yourself that. Like, I can obviously speak to that from having gotten married young, and gotten divorced. Like, I literally didn’t ever ask myself that really. Like I just went through the motions, you know what I mean?
And that was so much of when I hired you, my work was like getting more clear around that in terms of going into a new relationship, a new marriage. And like, I think it’s just not normalized to ask yourself those things. And then except the trade offs that come with those things, right?
And it’s like the same in business. Like, I’ve really consciously asked myself, do I want to be a one on one focus Coach? Do I want that to be my business model? I feel 100 percent a yes to that. And there are still plenty of trade offs that come with that in terms of scalability and time and face to face commitment, and all of those things.
I just feel like I’m choosing them so it’s easier. Where like, when I got divorced, I was like, wait, I didn’t actually mean to choose any of this. Whoops. Which is fine, you can still clean that up. You can change your business model, you can get the divorce, like it doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind.
But I think it’s just a different experience of the things depending on how much you chose the trade off. Like, that’s something I work on with my clients when they’re picking something. I’m like, are you also picking the trade offs? I want you to tell me what the trade offs are and tell me that you feel good about those before we pick this thing. Right?
Maggie
Yes. And for me, it’s like I often am Coaching women who are in the middle of marriages, right? So 10 years and 15 years, 20 years in. And the question is, okay, are you willing to accept that sometimes your partner does this? It’s like, maybe you spent 10 years not accepting that, but to move forward and to have a relationship that can prosper, and that can feel amazing, are you willing to accept that?
And if you’re not, let’s find out. Let’s know now and then let’s work through: what are you willing to accept and what are you not willing to accept? And then let’s see, sometimes your partner’s like, “Oh, it doesn’t even matter to me, let’s change it.” Or they’re like, “Oh, no, you know, this is so core to who I am, that’s never gonna change.” That’s information you want to have.
Lacey
You know what’s so funny, I’m gonna speak to this from like, such a personal experience with you and our Coaching. But I think that the permission to accept things is also not a cultural norm. I think, especially if you’re in the like, personal development or self help space, it feels like, you should never just accept something, everything can change.
Like, we get so focused on growth mindset, that we don’t just let some things be what they are. So I remember, one of the things that I brought to you is like, sometimes, Kenny, my husband, when Kenny and I have a disagreement he’ll just like over promise to like, make me happy in the moment. Like, you know, if I was like, “Oh, I don’t feel like you’re like showing me enough affection.”
He’ll be like, “I’ll write you a love letter everyday.” Like, and he means it in the moment, right? Like, he just wants you to be happy and like, wants to make it okay. And I remember that pissing me off because then like, you know, say he doesn’t write me a love letter every day.
And I would be like, this is just so upsetting, you know, kind of thing and you were kind of like, “Maybe you’re just gonna marry someone who over promises when you’re upset. Can you handle that? Can you accept that?”
And I was like, oh, that feels like not a big fucking deal at all when you put it through that lens. But when it feels like we’re supposed to change this. We’re supposed to fix it. It’s supposed to be better. He’s supposed to stop. I’m supposed to help him see why he should stop that.
It gets so intense versus like, oh, well, the trade off of having someone that loves me so, so, so much is that sometimes he’s gonna try to over promise when he wants me to not feel upset, like, can that just be okay?
And when you can just let it be okay, it immediately diffuses it. Like I remember when you asked me that question, I was like, oh yeah, this actually feels like not a big deal. But like five minutes before that it felt like a very big deal.
Maggie
And that’s such a fascinating example. Because it’s also like, we could carry that with us for years. And then one moment, we just ask the question. It’s like, oh, sometimes he over promises. Can I accept that about him? Oh, yeah. He has so many amazing virtues. He’s such a beautiful human. Yeah, I could accept that about him and then, like you said, it takes you to a completely different place in your brain. And now you’re just: sometimes he’ll over promise, and that’s okay.
Lacey
Totally. And again, same with business, right? Like when I think about my model, it’s like, okay, like, there are all these things I love about one on one, can I accept the fact that I’m always gonna have to be a little more like time — time bound? I guess that’s a good way to say it.
When I’m like, well, how do I do one on one Coaching, but never be time bound, it feels so stressful and so intense. And like there’s no solution. And that anxiety builds and, and, and, right? When I’m like, oh, or I could just accept that, that’s a trade off of doing this other thing that I like, love so much.
Maggie
And I love that you said this — you said it’s okay if it feels like work. Like, we can have a business we love and for me, I think we can have a business we love, we can have a marriage we love, we can have a relationship we love. And it’s okay if it feels like work sometimes.
It’s okay, and my example is always like: sometimes you have to just wash the dishes. Like sometimes you have to like — whatever it is, mow the lawn, do the thing. Fill out the form, right? And that part, when we put this expectation on it that every moment should be wonder and magic, then we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment, right?
And at the same time, it’s like, okay, if we’re frustrated all the time, we need to check in and see: is part of it how we’re looking at it? Which is why we start with perspective, we start with like, hey, let’s question this, let’s clean up your side of the table.
The example you gave us, so perfect for that. Because I know a lot of times I’ll say, you know, in Coaching, the first thing we do is just clean up your side of the table, like what the hell does that mean? This is what that means is like: can you accept x thing about your partner? And once you do that, then where do you land? Your part of the table is now clean.
Now you can look at whatever else is going on and say okay, where are my limits? Where are my boundaries? What am I willing to accept? What am I not willing to accept? But if it feels like a job sometimes that isn’t really like, I don’t know, grounds for just satisfaction and endless annoyance.
Lacey
100%. I love that quote. I never remember who said it. But it’s that, you know, all unhappiness is the result of unmet expectation.
Maggie
Oh, that’s so good.
Lacey
Yeah, and I feel like that’s exactly it. It’s like, if you expect your marriage to be a 10 out of 10 all the time, you can almost reliably guess that you are going to have a lot of unhappiness. Because we’re not going to meet that 10 out of 10 expectation all the time. And so that’s going to lead to dissatisfaction. Right?
But if you bring more realistic expectations, which is that: even if you have a business you love, it will feel like work. Even if you married the person, it’s still gonna feel like work, then it doesn’t feel like that big of a deal when you’re doing the fucking work.
But you could be doing the same things — this is what I always point out in business, like you could be doing the exact same thing and have a totally different feeling about it. So I could be doing the filling out the form or whatever and just pissed that I’m doing this work, or I could be filling out the form and being like, yeah, this is like part of doing the things I got to do to get what I want.
Maggie
Exactly — part of doing the things I gotta do to get what I want. It’s a completely different vibe, even if the actual thing you’re doing doesn’t change.
Lacey
Yep. Exactly.
Maggie
And I think that that’s the part that it’s like, oh, we can look at it through this lens like it should be easy all the time. Or we can look at it through this lens of like it’s too hard. Or we can just look at it through the lens that sometimes it’s easy, and sometimes it’s hard and that’s actually okay and actually like the truth with a capital T that anywhere we go, we will find the same truth everywhere on the whole planet. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s hard.
Lacey
Yep, and that doesn’t necessarily mean anything either way. I have a business I’m obsessed with. And I’ve had seasons where it’s been harder and seasons where it’s been easier. And neither of those meant anything about my ultimate success or my ultimate fulfillment, or whatever, you know?
Maggie
Yes. And one of the things you mentioned when you were doing that live, was the example of what you used to make things mean with Kenny. It’s like, if you had any minor disagreement, no matter how minor it was, it was like, “Is our relationship doomed? Oh my gosh, is this the thing?” As opposed to we’re humans living together. Disagreements will happen, and it means nothing.
Lacey
Yep, totally. And when you like, I mean, I don’t think our relationship has changed all that much to be honest. In terms of like the, you know, like the specifics of what’s happening in it, but my experience of it has changed. I mean, just dramatically, right?
In terms of being like, “Oh, this doesn’t mean anything,” right? When we’re fighting — and it’s so funny, because Kenny has sort of always taken that philosophy, and I used to kind of just be like, you’re not taking this seriously.
And now I’m like, oh, yeah, this just totally makes sense that this is not a thing. Like I forget, we had like a disagreement a little while ago. And I remember saying something like, oh, like, you know, whatever, something about this disagreement. He was like: was that a disagreement? Like it just doesn’t even like — it’s not a thing. It just doesn’t register.
But for me at the time, because I was bringing, like, a past divorce and stuff like that, it all felt so super charged. And so, so much of the work we did, I feel like was just me letting go of a lot that. It really wasn’t even about — I mean, it was and it wasn’t — even about Kenny and I’s relationship. Right? Do you know what I mean? It was about what you keep saying, which was like, clear your side of the table.
Maggie
Yeah. Yeah. And what I think is this, and I’d love to hear your thoughts, Lacey: I know someone listening to this is gonna be like, “Oh, that sounds so simple for you. But my partner has XYZ,” right? But here’s the thing, not every single person is truly married to a jerk. Right?
Like we need to see that there are situations and I love being a marriage advocate who also says sometimes the highest and best outcome for a relationship is for it to end. That is the truth. That is 100%.
Like the case that you know, in your own lived experience, like your divorce was a beautiful chapter in your life — painful, but like led to so much growth and so much wonderfulness in your life now. And it’s like that was the highest and best outcome. It was not to stay in that relationship.
I think that’s important to say. But it’s also important to say what if there’s something to clear up on our side of the table first? Wouldn’t we want to know? Wouldn’t we want to see? I’d just love to hear your thoughts.
Lacey
Oh, my gosh, I mean, I have so many so many thoughts there in terms of like, what I actually feel like is — I had a hard divorce but an easy divorce. So like, just like we’re saying it’s all relative. It was hard in terms of like a lot of the specifics and like, things I went through.
But it was simple in terms of the fact that I really do feel like I cleaned up every piece of my side of the fence before we got a divorce. And so there wasn’t any part of me going, “But what if? But if I… But had I…” But I didn’t — I never literally never once felt that because I really had spent the year leading up to that cleaning up my side of the fence. Right?
And so I think that that’s where it is, where like the outcome still might be you’re not with the right person. But it’s a much better way to end it to know that. Right? And that’s the difference between hard and easy sometimes. But like the process of going through a divorce is always hard I think no matter how you slice that.
But the ease I felt in it, because I had done so much of that, was that — and I think again, that’s the same with marriage, business, whatever — like sometimes the actual things we’re going through are hard.
Like if you’ve ever run your own business, there’s no part of you that doesn’t think that shit isn’t hard sometimes. But it depends on what you’re bringing to it that makes it feel easy or not, you know, and so whether you’re bringing like you cleaned up your own side of the fence or you’re bringing like realistic expectations or whatever, those are the things that make the difference, right?
Maggie
Yeah, I think that that’s so powerful and something that you also mentioned was sometimes you see people throw away great businesses because they think they should be perfect. And I see people do that with relationships. It’s like, actually, once we release the idea that it should be perfect, we can see what it can be.
And the way I like to think about it now is if you’re in a relationship, and it’s not what you want it to be, and you know there’s something, you know, you have this feeling, this intuitive nudge that it could be better. Why don’t we find out: what is the best relationship you could have with this human and then decide whatever it is?
Whether it’s you stay together, whether it was you change the format of the relationship, whether — whatever your choices are. And I think whether it’s business, whether it’s a career, right? Because there are careers where you get a promotion, and it seems amazing, and then it doesn’t work out the way you thought it would.
And then you go to the next job after that promotion, and then that’s exactly like your, you know, your life’s work. There are moments when it is hard. And working through the hard takes us to the next moment instead of throwing it away because it’s hard.
Lacey
Absolutely. I — this is something I think I shared on there, too, but I wish I could remember, I’ve looked everywhere to find this and I can’t find it. But basically, I was reading this thing from this guy. And I think he’s like an illustrator for Marvel.
Which is like, the coolest effing job, right? Like, I feel like if you’re artistic or creative, like you that feels dream level, right? And he basically wrote this whole thing that was basically this, too, which is like, and it still feels like work most days. And there’s still a bunch of other shit I have to deal with being in this career. And there were so many hard times and, and, and…
But imagine if he had thrown that away because of that. Oh, there’s like office politics bullshit that I don’t want to deal with. So forget my illustrator career at Marvel, like, you know, come on, right? So I think it’s like thinking about it like that, too, where it’s like, the micro challenges and annoyances along the way are going to be there, whether you have the perfect dream job or the perfect partner, or whatever. But like, where do we think we’re getting by letting go of those things, right.?
Maggie
Yes. That’s so good. So I have two examples that come to mind when you — I remember when you said that about that guy. And one of them is, as you know, I love superheroes. And there’s a show that I love. It’s called Arrow, and the star that show is Stephen Amell.
And Stephen Amell says, you know, there’s nothing better on earth than wearing a superhero suit to work. It’s like, you know, it is as amazing as you all think it is. You are correct, right? That’s his thing. And he hates photoshoots.
He’s like, if I never have to do another photo shoot for the rest of my life, I will be just fine. But it’s like in order to, you know, have the role to do the thing, he has to put up with the photo shoot. It’s just part of it. And it’s like, I’m not gonna throw away my career because sometimes I have to do photo shoots, right? It’s like, I’m not gonna throw away this piece, because this other piece is just not my favorite thing. And I just do the best I can around that thing.
Lacey
100%. And I think that we all just have to have a more discerning lens for some of this, right? Because it’s what happens in business and in relationships is that we only see this like, micro, front end experience of it. You know where it’s like, “Oh, they seem so happy.” But it’s like a two slides on an Instagram story or whatever.
Or like that business model seems so perfect. And it’s like, all you’re hearing is like, one revenue number from one month or something like that. So I think like some of it’s discernment, too, where you just have to realize like, everyone else is having those same challenges — or different challenges, but same flavor of having to deal with challenges. You know, even the guy putting on the superhero costume every day still has that, you know?
Maggie
Yeah. And I think the other example that I like to give and that I think about and I love that you said the front end — like we see the front end, we don’t see the back end. And I like to think about it like the Oscars. Like we look at Oscar night and we see everybody glamorous and all the things.
But to get to Oscar tonight, though, how do you get there? You get there by going to 100 auditions and being rejected 100 times. You get there by running your lines at five o’clock in the morning in an alley somewhere because that’s where you’re shooting, right? You get there with all the grit that it takes to get there.
But what we see is that one night, right? What we see is the finished movie. We don’t see the behind the scenes of how they did one scene 27 times until we got the one that everybody, you know, made everybody cry or whatever, right? I loved watching — on Disney plus they have like this behind the scenes of Pixar.
Lacey
Yeah yeah yeah. I think I watched part of that because you told me to.
Maggie
Yeah, it was so — because creativity, right? It was so good because they showed — I don’t know which movie it was, but they showed all the storylines they considered for the movie. And then they showed all the different things they took out and they edited and then the movie that when they originally started talking about it to what it actually became, that we saw was so completely different.
And it’s like, that’s how everything is made. And I think it’s easy in our just sort of day to day just trying to make it through the day kind of society to forget that. It’s like we know what at work, or we know what at the gym, it’s like, how do you make a muscle bound body, right? You go to — like the rock, right — he goes to the gym every day. That — what we see is the result of 1000 times he’s been to the gym.
And when it comes to marriage, it’s like, what is the 1000 time thing that sometimes feels boring, sometimes isn’t fun, but that I still need to show up for if I want to have like, a body like the Rock’s, of marriage. Like that’s amazing, right? There’s all this sort of grunt stuff that’s part of that.
Lacey
A question I ask clients a lot is, do you want to have the business? Or do you want to build the business? Because those are different things.
Maggie
Oh say more about that.
Lacey
Right? So like, I think a lot of people look at like a successful business. And they want to have that. They want to be the CEO of the big company making seven figures. Great, you can want to have the business, but do you want to build to that?
Because that’s a whole different journey. And that’s a whole different thing. And I think there are too many people that just want to have it but don’t want to build it. And I think, you know, great marriage, I think is very similar to that too. Which is like, do you want to have the great marriage? Or do you want to build that every day? Those are totally different things. Right?
Maggie
And the magic is, we don’t realize that the building of it is where the fun is?
Lacey
Oh, yeah.
Maggie
The building of it is where you have the bloopers and the laughter and the adventures and the unforgettable memories and the relationships that last forever. Right? I have a friend who’s a reporter, and she would have to go to things like the Grammys or the Oscars and stuff all the time. And she was like, “Oh my god, it’s the most boring thing. You would never imagine.”
Like you see it on TV, and it looks amazing. But after you’ve gone to 15 of them, right? She’s like, no, the fun part is like when the cameras are off and we’re all chit chatting, and we’re doing all these things. We look for this sort of quote unquote glamorous top of the mountain experience. And we forget that like everything magical happens in the climb.
Lacey
Yep. 100% And climb equals hard parts, easy parts. You know, like, that’s what it is. But yeah, I think that just the cultural expectation, I think that’s gotten set of like, you know, if it’s the right thing, it shouldn’t be hard, is just the most detrimental thing.
And I think you and I are both so fortunate because we see the behind the scenes of that everyday. Like my job every day is seeing the behind the scenes of like the quote unquote perfect business. Your job every day is seeing the behind the scenes of the marriage that looks quote unquote, perfect on, you know, social media or whatever.
And I think that that has been such a gift in my life, because it has helped me to see that like, what’s personal is universal. There is no thing — like we are all having the same struggles and all of that kind of stuff. And the more we can kind of normalize and accept that, I think the easier it is, the more it feels like something has gone wrong.
You know, because I think that’s what happens in marriage. It’s like, that’s what used to happen to me when I would freak out about something little with Kenny. It was like, something has gone wrong. Must fix, must whatever. Something has gone wrong, you know? And as soon as I was like, what if nothing’s wrong?
Maggie
What if nothing has gone wrong? Yeah, and one of the points that you made in that live too, was what helps you move forward the fastest is not stopping yourself at every point in the journey. So if we stop ourselves at every point in the journey, like, oh, what has gone wrong, what has gone wrong? Or we start looking for what’s going wrong, which just never leads us to what’s going right?
Like no amount of looking for what’s wrong will lead us to like what’s thriving, right? And it’s like, what helps you move forward the fastest is not stopping yourself constantly. So in relationships, it’s not second guessing the relationship over and over and over again, because then you’re not building trust. You’re not building intimacy, you’re not building connection if you’re questioning it all the time.
Lacey
Yeah it just freezes you, right? I think that’s like literally what puts us in freeze mode because it feels like something has gone wrong. I don’t know how it has gone wrong. I don’t know how to fix it. And we’re just completely frozen. Right? But it’s like, yeah, nothing really went wrong. So there’s nothing really to fix or whatever, like you’re just a human doing the human thing.
Maggie
Yeah, exactly. And one of my favorite things that you said was a quote from Sex in the City, from Charlotte. You said, “I am happy in my relationship every day, not all day, every day, but every day.”
And I think that’s such a great way to frame whether it’s a relationship, a business, a career, motherhood. Anything that we want to think about is like, oh, that, like you said, the macro versus the micro. In the macro, there’s so much joy every day. And the micro, sometimes I still have a deadline I have to meet.
Lacey
It’s so true. I feel like that quote — sounds funny, but it’s true. That quote is like my filter for everything in life at this point. You know, which is like, I want a business that I’m happy in every day. But I’m completely aware it will not be all day every day.
I want a marriage that I am happy in, you know, daily, with full awareness that it might some days, it might look like 23 and a half hours of that day. And some days that might look like 30 minutes of that day. But like, is that still happening, right?
Maggie
Yes. That’s so good. I’m happy in my relationship every day, not all day, every day, but every day. So good. Okay, so let’s talk about Happy Thoughts, because I want everyone who’s listening — if you’re picking up what Lacey’s throwing down to know what Happy Thoughts is and just a little bit about that.
It’s an email program. So you get an email every day for 90 days. And it just helps you focus on one goal, and then really think constructively about the goal, both your resistances, your fears, all these different aspects of it. And the goal can be a career goal, a business goal, a personal development goal. Tell us a little bit about that.
Lacey
Yeah, totally. I think it’s so much of what we’re talking about, about kind of like cleaning up our side of the street with that. So it’s like, if I want the thing, whether that’s like the happy marriage or the business, am I doing my own thought work around that enough to feel like I can get there?
Like for me when I started doing that when I was married previously, like, what does a great relationship feel like to me? What feelings and thoughts do I need to embody? And through doing some of that, that marriage ultimately ended, but I still got that result. Because now I have that, you know what I mean?
And so I think it’s just about like, are we getting really clear on what we’re bringing, what we’re thinking, what we’re focused on? And we don’t know how that’s gonna play out. Again, I think the expectation thing there, right? Where it’s like, I should just be able to think this way, and then get the thing I want in a moment. And if not, like, none of it works.
No, it’s just like, are you staying in the energy of what you want? Are you moving toward that? And are you having thoughts that support that? And that’s really all it is there to kind of give you a prompt and help me do every day.
Maggie
Yeah. Are you saying in the energy of what you want? I love that so much. And one of the things I teach my clients is to notice their inputs. I just call them inputs, like notice, what TV are you watching? What podcasts are you listening to — what, whatever it is, right?
Like, obviously, here we speak life into marriage. We speak life and power into women. We’re like, hey, it could be amazing. These are some of the ways and how. And it’s like, just notice your inputs and keep having inputs that help you get closer to what you want and support the things that you want to create in your life.
Lacey
Totally. And then normalize the journey, I think, which is what we’re doing here, too, right? So it’s like, yes, get closer to what you want. And know that, that will be a journey. And that’s what we feel so passionately about with Happy Magic is the “both” of that.
And that’s what we’re talking about today is the “both” of that, like you can have what you want, it can be amazing. It can feel good every day, and some days, it will still feel hard. The journey is not linear, like oh — like it’s that struggling the line there, right?
Maggie
I think that’s so important. And when I talk about — I have a concept called the Five Star Marriage. And in the Five Star Marriage I think, okay, a five star hotel doesn’t mean they never have problems. It doesn’t mean they never run out of tea or whatever.
It just means they have a process that they follow when problems happen. That’s it. It doesn’t mean it’s always perfect. It means when things go wrong, we have the resilience to handle it. And I think that that’s so important.
It’s like even the most you know, Ritz Carlton experience of it all — it’s like, no, it doesn’t mean it’s all perfection, which is unattainable. It means, hey, we ran out of tea, here’s what we’re gonna do about it, here’s how we’re gonna handle it. These are your options, whatever that is in your relationship.
Lacey
Right. And like the last little bit there that I would even ask that is: if you go to the Ritz Carlton expecting perfection, something as small as them running out of your favorite tea, you can ruin your whole trip. Because now it feels that something has gone wrong, instead of like, this is not a thing. And so that’s where it keeps coming back to. It’s like, what are you expecting it to be? Right?
Maggie
Yeah, I love that example, because I was reading something on TripAdvisor recently and it was like this hotel that had all these amazing reviews. And then it had a few reviews that were like, everything was a disaster. And it was such an interesting thing, because two people at the same hotel on the same week at the same time.
And this person was like, this is the best place I’ve ever stayed at. And the other person just had all the things that ever went wrong. And I was like, oh, how interesting, right? We can focus on what we loved about it. Or we can focus on what we didn’t love about it. And either way, that’s gonna be our experience.
Lacey
100%. That is our only experience, right? You know, like, it’s like, what is the story you’re telling yourself about it? And I think like, that is such an important gift that you’re always giving is like, what is the story that you’re telling yourself about marriage?
Is it like my partner has done something wrong or like I can easily accept that in you, is like such a good example of that. And it just changes everything about how you feel about it and how you feel day to day is the content of your life.
Maggie
Okay, I forgot to tell you this in the beginning, but I love to ask a question from The Questions for Couples Journal at the end, so let me find something. Oh, okay. Oh, I’m gonna ask you the same question that I asked Emily McCaskey. You ready?
What is a simple thing that can help you feel happier today regardless of what the future holds? I think that goes so well with today’s episode. So what is the simple thing that can help you feel happier today regardless of what the future holds?
Lacey
I feel like for me, I think you definitely improved this economy so much, but just like appreciation. I feel like I am always happier in my marriage when I have appreciation. And like it’s not dependent on like what he does tomorrow, or what vacation we’re going on next or any of those things, right?
It’s just completely like an in the moment thing. And so I think that, that just always makes me feel happier when I look for those things. And then once I look for them, I find 100 more places to see it. Like you’re saying with the Ritz Carlton — if I look for what they did wrong, all the things they did wrong. So appreciation to me is always it. If I want to feel happier in my marriage, there’s no better go to.
Maggie
I love it so much. So how can people find you? What’s the best way for people to stay in touch with you?
Lacey
Yeah, you can find me on my podcast it’s called LITerally as Maggie said. Not the Rob Lowe one, the Lacey Sites one. And then you can find me on my Facebook group — The Lit Up and Loaded Entrepreneur.
Maggie
Yeah, so we will link to her facebook group on the show notes. It’s called The Lit Up and Loaded Entrepreneur. So if you’re listening and you just want to join right now, you can do that. But you can go to the show notes. You’ll find them at maggiereyes.com/podcast and you can get all the links to follow Lacey. Thank you so much for being here.
Lacey
I love this. I think it’s such an important conversation and so grateful to you to be here and to have it with you.
Maggie
Thank you, bye.