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Hello everyone. We are going to rock and roll today. On today’s episode we’re going to talk about how to solve the right problems in your marriage with one of the most simple coaching tools that I love using with my clients and on myself. But first I have such exciting news to share with you all. My very first book is coming out April 21st, 2020. I am using the year on purpose imagining someone listening to this episode five years from now. Hello listener from the future. Thank you for listening, but for all of you beautiful people listening in the present. I am so excited to share everything about this book with you over the coming weeks. The book is called The Questions for Couples Journal and it’s published by Rock Ridge press, which has been an absolute dream to work with and my favorite thing about this book is that it’s not a book you read, it’s a book you do.
So if you’ve listened to the podcast before, you know one of the core elements of a thriving five-star marriage is partnership. Cultivating friendship and teamwork like your marriage depends on it, which in fact it does. And with this book, there are 400 questions in a variety of topics that will help you really build that friendship connection to really know your partner’s interior world and for them to know yours. Whether it’s processing some of your past together or dreaming about your future or talking about sexy times in a way that doesn’t feel intimidating. It’s just such a great tool to connect and I am so excited to put it out into the world. I will link to the Amazon page in the show notes, and if you preorder it right now, it will ship out the day it releases on April 21st. I will be sharing more about the book over the next few weeks.
So I’m so excited to share some of the behind the scenes details. Again, the book is called The Questions for Couples Journal and I invite you to buy it for yourself, buy it for someone who’s dating or getting married. Anyone who wants to have a deeper connection with their partner will definitely get a lot out of using this book. You guys know I like to be practical and this is practical. And I have to say the art department at Rockridge press did such a beautiful job on this journal. There are color illustrations throughout, so that makes it a really beautiful gift book, maybe for a bridal shower or an engagement party or something like that. I just love that it’s both pretty and practical. You know? That’s what of my favorite combos for anything in life. So yay, the book is coming. Now let’s dive into today’s topic.
The tool I’m going to share today is a very simple and powerful. Do not underestimate how powerful it can be because of its simplicity. This is so, so, so important. Some of you, and I know this because I am also this way, so when I see some of you think this, it’s because I think this and I know some of you do too. Some of you think you need to make 54 quantum leaps for your relationship to get better so that then you don’t take the one or two simple steps that can have a really big impact right now, like today or tomorrow and I have done this in so many areas of my life myself, I think, Oh it really must be more complicated than that that I don’t do this simple thing and I really want all of us, you and me together to really question whenever we have that thought, what if it isn’t more complicated?
What if it is simple and all we have to do is decide? That’s why questions are at the top of the relationship table, which I explained in detail in episode one so if you haven’t listened to that one, go back and definitely download episode one. It will be so useful for you. Okay. Now that we have that out of the way, it is my pleasure to present you with what I like to call the five layers of why. Now a lot of my clients are very brainy scientists, engineers, and you do different kinds of root cause analysis in your work. So if you’ve done any kind of root cause analysis, this is that, but applied to your marriage and in a very, very simple way. So as you may know, if you’ve been listening to the podcast for a while, I have an episode called power questions and obviously I have a book now coming out called Questions for Couples.
I literally ask questions for a living. So you might’ve figured out by now that I really love questions and when I was growing up, my absolute most favorite question was, why? If you asked my best friend Mary, hi Mary. What she remembers about growing up with me besides the slumber parties and the ice cream she will say that I always asked why. Ever since I was a little kid there was since I was a child, I wanted to know how things worked and why they were the way they are. And I know she would tell you this because I have asked her this question and that is what she told me. So imagine my absolute delight when I was very studiously learning life coaching tools and techniques at The Life Coach School and our master coaches drilled into us that why is one of the most important questions we can ask our clients whenever they’re feeling stuck, feeling bad or otherwise really not standing in their personal power.
I was so excited. I had that type of glee that a six year old feels on birthday cake day when I was in live coach training. It’s like I got a special permission to ask why on purpose to help people. It was like I entered this magic land and absolutely love living there. Now right around the same time I was going through coach training, I read a book about excellence called Exceptional Service, Exceptional Profit: The Secrets of Building a Five Star Customer Service Organization. And that book profiles the service culture and the procedures at the Ritz Carlton and the synopsis on Amazon is really spot on. They say that the authors philosophies, rules and winning examples of service excellence will make you want to implement their suggestions immediately in your own organization and I think that is so true. I want to implement their suggestions in the organization called my home, my relationship and the management of my mind and I want you to implement this one too.
Why do I want to use their suggestions? It’s really, really simple. The same method life coaches use to help their clients identify the thoughts and beliefs that are holding them back from their full potential is the same exact strategy that the Ritz Carlton uses to ensure five-star luxury service at their hotels. And you know how we feel about five-star standards around here. We love them. Whenever the Ritz Carlton team identifies a problem, a mistake and inefficiency, their directive is to get to the root cause by using a very simple method that I have baptized and renamed the five layers of why, ’cause I just think it’s more fun. I imagine cake every time I talk about it. So you can use the same tool that the Ritz Carlton and masterful life coaches used to get to the root of any problem. And I’m going to teach it to you today with very specific examples
so you’re super clear on how to apply it. First, it’s super important to remember that symptoms are never the issue. Symptoms are alarms alerting you that something is wrong. Solving for a symptom is never the answer to long-term relief, whether it’s your body or your marriage. Identifying the root cause is the most powerful thing you can do to solve any problem. I’m going to repeat that ’cause I think it’s so important. Identifying the root cause is the most powerful thing you can do to solve any problem. So the roots cause people, super brainy, pay close attention. Here’s what you do when you’re experiencing a problem of any kind, stop, pause, sit or stand if you must, but definitely stop and pause, and then ask the question why at least five times. Ask why over and over again until you get to the real core issue that is causing the problem.
Then you know exactly what to solve for it and you don’t waste your time putting bandaids on bullet wounds. That’s one of the metaphors I like to use because it’s so clear. You take out the bullet completely and then you stitch up the wound so it can heal. If all you do is put a bandaid on a bullet wound, it’s going to keep getting worse. It could get infected, it’s just going to escalate. But if you take the bullet out, then the body can kick in with its healthy restorative systems and start true healing. It’s so important. So here’s an example from the book in a hospitality environment. So imagine a big beautiful hotel, great room service, but the room service is getting complaints because the room service is late. It’s being delivered late. So we ask why? Well, the waiters are stuck waiting for the elevator.
Then we ask why again. The elevators are being monopolized by housekeeping. We ask why again. Housekeeping is searching for and storing and putting away and grabbing linens, towels, so many towels. Why? Because there’s a shortage of linens and then why is that? Because the inventory of linens at the hotel was only sufficient for 80% occupancy and the hotel had 100% occupancy. Notice that the symptom was late room service. If we just looked at that and never asked why, we would think maybe the kitchen team had a problem. The food was late, it was delayed and when they were making it or something like that, but the kitchen team was fine. It was an under supply of towels that had then had this cascade effect and started interfering with room service. This happens in our marriages every day. One partner may get quiet or defensive then the other partner does the same thing.
Then we go into this metaphorical spiral of trying to look for what’s wrong in the kitchen instead of going out and buying more towels. Now I’m going to give you a marriage example so that you can imagine this. Imagine a couple where the wife is crying, right? That’s the late room service in our example. Why is she crying? She’s crying because her husband snapped at her and used an unkind tone, maybe a nasty tone. Why? Because he was exasperated. Why did that happen? Notice I’ve asked why like three times now. The wife was late to a very important client dinner, a new client for the husband. Why was she late? This is the fourth why now. Because she just found out she is pregnant and she’s scared to share that news. Why is she scared? We’re asking now the sixth why. Because her husband took a 20 cut, 20% pay cut last year.
And why is she scared? He took a pay cut and she’s worried about how they’re going to pay for the medical bills. So now we’re seven whys into the why asking to find out what is really wrong. Notice that the hypothetical wife and husband both did things that are symptoms. She was late and he snapped at her. The reason she was late was she got this big news and the reason he snapped at her was he wanted to impress this new client who was going to spend a lot of money with his company. Big bonus, amazing right, great for everybody. Now, how many of us spend time going in circles about the rudeness of someone’s comment or being late moment, having that being late moment instead of asking what’s going on? So important. Do you see how the wife crying is a symptom that is like an alarm saying something is wrong here?
Giving her tissue and stopping the symptom will do nothing to ultimately solve the underlying problem of her fear of talking with her husband and her worry about the medical bills. Sharing with him that she’s pregnant might help him understand why she was late and his frustration could become excitement and joy. It is so important for all of us to just slow down so we can have the presence of mind to ask a simple question like why and to ask it a few times, as many times as necessary to get to the root cause of what’s really happening so that we solve the right problem. There is a saying in Spanish that I love and I’m going to say it in Spanish and I’ll translate it for you. It says, ve despacio que voy de prisa, which translates to go slower, I’m in a hurry. Go slower, I’m in a hurry.
If you really want to accomplish something fast, you go slower. Isn’t that a fascinating idea? I think it’s so fascinating. I love that phrase. When you pause to ask why five times you actually speed up your results because you don’t waste a bunch of time going in circles about symptoms or little things that aren’t the real problem. This week I challenge you to pause and breathe. A good deep breath is always a good idea and ask why as many times as necessary so you can solve the right problems in your relationship. For any frustration that comes up this week. Anything that feels like a problem that needs solving pause, ask why and see what you uncover. And now I am always so delighted to share a client celebration with you. And today’s client celebration comes from Dr. Chavonne Perrote, who is a marriage and life coach from New Jersey.
When she needed coach of her own, she hired me and here’s what she had to say about her coaching experience. “Working with Maggie was one of the best decisions I ever made. As someone already familiar with the right things to think and do, I still found myself stuck. I knew Maggie was the best person for me because she’s brilliant, insightful and extremely caring. I felt safe handing her my most treasured relationship and saying, here, help me please. I found it so helpful to have her as my sounding board, to point out how my perspective and way of being was keeping me stuck. She quickly saw my default thinking and helped me change it. As a result, I changed my behavior even when it felt hard and my marriage improved. I felt happier around my husband, learned to stop sweating those little annoyances and saw all the ways he truly loved and cared for me.
Maggie is the best cheerleader. Whenever you feel like you’re not doing enough, she shows you that you are as a person whose love language is words of affirmation, this meant the world to me. She was present with me in some difficult moments and I could feel her positive, supportive, and nurturing energy. The things I practiced and mastered by working with her have been invaluable. I can literally think of no good reason why anyone would not want to work with her. Your time with her will be priceless. Say yes to yourself and your marriage and get Maggie’s help.” That is so beautiful. Reading that just, it just moves my heart so deeply. Thank you so much Chavonne for sharing your celebration so I could share it with all of our listeners. I absolutely get so excited for all of you to know what becomes possible for you when you apply the concepts I teach you in this podcast to your own marriage, and I want to make sure I really make this very clear.
My own results from my own self-coaching and my client’s results are not typical. Having a five-star thriving marriage takes effort and focus and commitment. My coaching clients who are coachable and committed and decisive, take the most action and get the best results. Getting exceptional results requires you to be exceptional, to try things that you’ve never tried before. Be open to new ideas and to experimenting and to be willing to do things that feel hard in the moment, to experience things that feel better in the long term. Things like forgiving and letting go, starting fresh and going hunting for the love that is already there. When I share client celebrations and they sound amazing to you, I just want you to really know that it took some emotional heavy lifting to create those results. To recap this episode, ask why at least five times to identify the right problem to solve in your relationship. And go buy my Questions for Couples Journal on Amazon, check out the show notes for the link and remember, you need three things to have a thriving, five-star marriage perspective, partnership and pleasure, and they are all in your control.