Maggie
Hello, everyone, and welcome back. I have such a fun episode for you today. I recently bought a car, which I know for some of you is not a big deal at all. For some of you it is a very big deal. For me, I had the same car for 17 years. 17 years. So this is a very big deal. And it was such an experience.
And I learned so much about myself and about thinking about things in life in general that I really wanted to share with you some of the things that came up in the process of buying the car and some of the things that came up in the process of having the car.
And I always love having my hubby on the show. And he went through this whole experience with me, and was a huge part of every step. So I invited him back so we can talk about it together. So welcome hubby.
Mariano
Thank you, it’s good to be back.
Maggie
So I want to break this down into a couple of sections. Like I mentioned, the actual process of buying the car, and then our process now a few weeks into having the car and I’ll tell you all about the car and all those things.
But before we dive into that, I do want to start with a huge shout out today to my current and former Marriage MBA students — to all my Marriage MBA students. But right now I have two groups of Marriage MBA that are running concurrently.
And these amazing humans are just having all the conversations and questioning all the thoughts and really doing the work of creating their relationships from a different place in their hearts and in their mind and in their emotional journey.
And I just want to shout out to all of them, and tell them how proud I am to be their Coach, to walk part of this journey of life with them, to see them and the messy beauty of growth and thriving, and I am just the proudest I could possibly be seeing the work they’re doing every day to pour more love into themselves into their relationships into each other.
And if you’re thinking about joining the next round of Marriage MBA, let me just tell you, it is my highest intention for it to be the best Marriage Breakthrough Program on Earth. That is the intention that I set for the work that we do there. And that’s how I think about it every day. If it’s calling to you, I want to invite you to absolutely join us the next time.
Right now as I record this, I don’t even have the waitlist up so you can message me on Instagram. I’m @themaggiereyes on Instagram. If you want to be added to the waitlist for the next round, message me there, I will personally get that.
And if you want to see the overview of the whole program, you can go to maggiereyes.com/group to see all the details there. Now I’m recording this in 2021. Who knows what can happen in the future. If you’re listening to this podcast some point after 2021 just go to maggiereyes.com. Whatever is happening in my world will be on my website. And we will put that link in the show notes too so you can find that easily.
Okay, here are the notes that I wrote right after I bought the car. I’m going to tell you what the main points are first, and then we’ll go back in depth on each one of these because they were so juicy. And the hubby’s just standing by ready to jump in. So now I’ll be inviting him to join me in the conversation.
So the first one is, or the first reflection that I had when I was buying the car is: are you waiting for confirmation or are you committed to your values no matter what? We’re going to talk about that. Then the second one is are you creating trust or breaking trust? Just think how this could apply to so many relationships and so many things.
And the third one is: are you clear on what you want? Okay, so let’s dive into the first one. Are you committed to your values or waiting for confirmation? Here’s what happened with the car that made me think about, you know how this plays out in other areas of our life.
So I was ready to buy a car. I was ready to do the thing. And I reached out to a couple of dealers actually, but I think I reached out to — we probably went to, what like four or five dealers when everything is said and done in terms of whether it was emails, phone calls and actual visits to different places.
Mariano
Sure. Yeah. That’s about right.
Maggie
Yeah. And so I reached out to a dealer that — what was it? They had some kind of internet offer or something like that. And I answered whatever the question was and then he wrote back to me and asked me like 10 different questions without actually…
They asked me “Oh, are you ready to buy today?” So I think it was before anybody would even call me back to talk to me about the car, their question was, “Well, are you buying something today?” which is so interesting, because when we went in person to the dealership, the very first dealership that we went to, we got the same question.
We walked in, we’re like, “We’d like to see a car.” They’re like, “Well, are you buying today?” As opposed to, I’m going to buy at some point. Like, you know, does anybody go to a dealership, I don’t know, just to hang out. Maybe they do.
But it’s like it was this very sort of off putting, like, are you going to do this and if not, we’re not even gonna waste our time with you. And I think that sometimes that happens in relationships where we wait for people — whether it’s our bosses or coworkers, our, you know, colleagues, friends, or in our marriages.
It’s like, “Well, if you do this, then I’ll do that. But if you’re not going to do this, I’m not even going to touch that.” As opposed to who do I want to be in the world? And do I want to be in the world — from a car dealer, a car dealer that offers great customer service and that’s how I want to be known and so I’m going to do that, whether you’re buying the car today or not.
So that was like, my biggest one from that first experience was: who do you want to be and who decides? Is it your values that decide? Is it the other person’s decisions that decides? Who decides? So what do you think about that hubby?
Mariano
Well, I, it was very interesting, experiencing that. It’s, yeah, that they obviously are not committed to building relationships. And, you know, whether we buy today or tomorrow, it’s in the long run, it’s irrelevant. You know, if they do a good job with you, then they will make a sale.
But their objective was, how do I, you know, get something right now, you know, resolved or, you know, get the money right now. And if not, I can’t be bothered. And that is a big turnoff. You don’t want to work with somebody like that.
Maggie
Yeah, I think it’s so interesting, because I was literally ready to — I would have bought the car like right then and there. And, and instead of making it easy for me to buy the car, what I found with so many of these dealerships, actually made it harder to do the thing that they want me to do in the first place, which was buy the car.
It was a very fascinating thing like, from the point of view of Life Coaching, or the point of view of our relationships, and specifically our marriages. It’s like, what if our partners want to love us? They want to — maybe they do it sloppy or it’s not the best way?
Maybe they, you know, they’re messy sometimes as we all are as humans, but are we making it easier or harder for them to do the thing they want to do already? Like they married us, so there’s an indication they might want to do things with us and for us that are good and loving, and you know, kind. And are we making it harder or easier? It’s just a place to take your brain to see like, oh, is there a way that I can make that easier? What do you think?
Mariano
Yeah, no, you’re right. That’s how — you can make it so someone is motivated to do the thing that you want to do, or you could really demotivate them, because if they don’t do it perfectly, then they shouldn’t even do it. Or because they’ll do it exactly the moment you want to do it, then they shouldn’t you know, like, that’s not helpful.
Maggie
And it’s an interesting thing. And it’s something that in the podcast, I really want to be clear about. When I talk about us taking responsibility for our relationship it’s because that’s the one thing we can control.
That doesn’t mean the other person might not have things that they need to clean up or things that could you know, be improved in their head at the table. But we can’t control that. So if we focus on that, we just run around in circles.
But if we focus on: how am I showing up to create the results that I want to have, that now gives us an endless amount of places that we can look for things that we can bring to the relationship. And then once we bring those things to the relationship, then we can decide, you know how — we can see we can gauge, how does our partner react? And then is that what we want?
Mariano
Yes.
Maggie
Okay, the second one. This one was, I thought so fascinating. Are you creating trust or breaking trust? So the first dealer had that thing, which “Are you gonna buy?” Right? Okay. The second dealer was, they had a test drive service. And I thought this was the best idea ever.
So I think we were already vaccinated. But obviously, COVID is still an issue as I record this in 2021. And I went on to their website, and they had this thing where you could online, you know, input all your information, and then they would bring you a car, so that you wouldn’t even go to the dealer.
Like it was a very sort of COVID safe type — the way they marketed it, right, was a very COVID safe experience where they would bring you this car and you can test drive it and you see if you like it. And I thought, “That’s brilliant, what a great innovation.”
So I filled out all of these things about everything we could possibly, you know, want to know. And instead of writing back to me to schedule the test drive, they sent me more questions including, “Well are you going to buy today?”
And, “Are you financing or are you leasing? That was the thing that they also asked me: are you financing? Before we can set up the test drive, it was seven more questions, right? I don’t understand why they didn’t just ask me those questions on the first thing I filled out but anyway, so I got this, this reply.
And then I replied back. I don’t know remember the details but I remember I replied back. And then they asked me even more questions. And I remember having this thought of, they just created trust with me by offering me this thing, right, this test drive.
And then they broke the trust immediately because they sent me probably three or four different emails about things other than the thing I signed up for before I could get the thing I signed up for. So they create a trust, and then they broke it immediately.
And then I thought, how do we do that in relationships? How does that show up? We agree to things we, like say yes to things we really probably should say no to sometimes. And then instead of having that conversation and feeling the discomfort of saying, “Oh, you know what, this doesn’t work for me. And here’s why.” We create trust, and then we break trust. And it feels like disjointed and wobbly because we’re not really addressing the real thing. What do you think?
Mariano
It’s a bit of a stretch for me, because I tend to keep my word. So, you know, so, to even imagine that that’s an option. You will give your word you’re gonna do something and then you don’t do it. You don’t show up the way you say you’re gonna show up.
Yeah, I mean, I it’s a big turnoff for me. Obviously, I value not doing that. And I yeah, I was fascinated how they were interested in again, seemed like, don’t waste my time. Asking you to jump through all these hoops before they give you the thing that they offered you up front.
It didn’t come with 20 strings when they offered it. They said, “Here sign up and you get this. You’ll get a test drive. Your car delivered to your house. What more could you want?” But the execution had left a lot to be desired. It was nothing like I was promised.
Maggie
Yeah, I think that, that’s so fascinating. And it’s interesting, because I think that we want tom you know, as a human, I want to be a human that honors my word. So one of my favorite books is called the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, which I know my husband’s also familiar with. And in this book, it says Be impeccable with your word.
And what I have found is sometimes being impeccable, it doesn’t mean being perfect with it, it means honoring it. It’s like, oh, I gave my word for this. But I should have maybe thought about that a little bit more deeply before I gave it.
This is the renegotiation that I need to make. This is the adjustment that I need to make. Or this is what’s true for me now. This is what has happened. And ever since I read that book, I’m just more careful about giving my word in the first place.
And really sort of thinking through: what am I agreeing to? What is a yes or no for me? Like it requires us to do a little bit more work on the front end, to then have less to clean up on the back end. And I think that that is really what happened with this second dealership, which was they’re like, “Oh, this is a brilliant idea. People will love this.” And then they really didn’t think through what it would mean to honor their word through that whole process, right?
Mariano
Right.
Maggie
Yeah. So that was just a fascinating thing. So as I mentioned, I think it took us two weekends, maybe? Or was it all on the same weekend? No, I think we went on a Saturday to one and then I came home. And then Sunday, I did all these internet, you know, I filled out all these forums and all that.
And what ended up happening was really fascinating. Because at the time, I, as I mentioned, I was ready to buy the car. I am buying a car. That’s what’s gonna happen here. So what was great was this sort of is a great segue into the next thing, which is being clear on what you want.
And how this is so important in relationships. And it’s so important when buying a car. Because here was what happened. And here’s my thought about it, and then we’ll discuss what happened. You have to be clear on what you want, otherwise, people will give you what they have. What is easiest, what takes no effort, and they know whether that matches with what you want, or not.
Mariano
Yeah, as you know, I waited six months to get my car custom with all the things I wanted to because they just want to tell you whatever is on the lot. You know, get rid of their inventory. That’s their priority. Not necessarily to give you what you want.
Maggie
Yeah, so my hubby is, remember everyone, he’s an engineer. So he thinks through exactly all the features and all the different things that he wants. So he waited six months for a custom built, right, to all his specifications.
Because some of the things he wanted, they’re not common for Florida, right? Like you may get them up north. Isn’t there some things in your car that it’s like in Florida…?
Mariano
Yeah, like snow, skid control, whatever. It’s like, yeah, okay, unless we take a road trip, it’s not gonna be a problem in Miami. But I certainly take road trips. I would like to have that.
Maggie
Yeah. So he just waited. He waited six months. He asked for exactly what he wanted. And then he didn’t. He didn’t settle. Right? He didn’t say oh, no, I don’t need that. Right? So what happened with me is, I am a very boring but happy car owner.
I like white cars with beige interiors. And I like what I like and I know what I like. This is what I like. I don’t like black interiors. I don’t want a bright blue car. Like I like what I like, right? And I went to the first dealer that we went to, and I said, “I want to see a white car with a beige interior.”
And the woman who was helping us said, I think she said, “We don’t have that.” Is that right? She’s like, “Oh, I’m not sure. But let me drive you around, we can see what we have.” And so the way that particular dealership is set up, you have to — it’s kind of like a multi level parking lot, where they have these different cars parked, so she drove us around a huge, enormous parking lot.
And she wasn’t sure — this was fascinating — what she hadn’t stocked and she didn’t. So she said, “We just have to see together.” And I said, “Okay,” and we went, and then she started showing me and I remember, she showed me this blue car with a black interior. And I was like, “I do not want that. This is not what I want.”
And I found myself entertaining the idea of completely changing my mind about what I wanted. And I was like, no, I know what I like, this is what I like, this is what I want. And I really didn’t do a great job of being really explicit and clear with the person who was trying to help us because she kept on showing me things I didn’t want, because that’s what she had in stock is what was easy for her. How do you think this shows up in relationships sometimes?
Mariano
I hadn’t thought about it, but let’s see. I guess it’s just, yeah, sometimes it’s not worth — you just go on automatic pilot. Oh, here’s what I’m willing to do. Or here’s what I normally do and not thinking about, well, what does the person really want? Going the extra mile.
Maggie
And especially if we’re frustrated in a relationship for any reason. We want to know what would resolve the frustration. You know, my hypothesis is that our partners, you know, want to please us as best as they can. And they want to see as happy as best as they can.
And oftentimes, when they’re perceived to be not trying or not engaged in the way we would like them to be, very often, it’s because they don’t know what would satisfaction to us looks like. And very often, when we peel back the layers and peel back the layers, we find that we haven’t been clear on what we wanted.
Like we say, “Well, I want a white car beige interior, but maybe blue could be okay.” And then we get the blue. And we’re like, “No, I never liked blue. It was never something I wanted,” right? And all of this drama ensues. But had we been clear from the beginning, we would have just not wasted time looking at cars to give you an example.
Now, what was interesting about that, and in preparing for the show, my husband very wisely pointed it out — was while we were looking at these things that I didn’t want, we found something better than what I originally had in mind.
I originally was gonna buy one type of car and I ended up out of the corner of my eye in the middle of this huge parking lot. I saw this white car. And I — the girl was not interested in showing it to us and it had the sold sign, so she wasn’t going to tell us that one, right?
It was that short term, it was only thinking of the short term, the shortest of the short term in the moment. I was literally in the lot ready to buy a car, right? And so anyways, out of the corner of my eyes, I just kind of said, “Well, what is that? Tell me about that? Do you have more of those? Where can I see those.”
And she really didn’t pick up on that at all. Like she was — that was kind of interesting too, right? Like, I was now telling her very explicitly what I wanted and then she just didn’t pick that up at all, because she could have sold that. Another version, not that specific car because that one had been sold, but a version of that car.
And she really didn’t explore that. It’s like once she got in her mind that it was one thing and one thing only, she like never looked at what else that could be to help me. And I think when we think about relationships, what we want to think about that’s very useful is: what is the essence of what I want.
Sometimes it doesn’t look exactly the way we thought. Like in my case, the make and model or whatever — the detail, the year, or something like that. It does, it may not look exactly like what we think on the detail.
But if we go to the essence, like what are the things that really mattered to me, and when this feel okay if it looks a little bit different than I imagined, but it still fulfills the thing that I desire? That’s just a really interesting place to take your brain is: what is the essence of what I want? Do you have any thoughts about that one?
Mariano
Yeah, for me, you know, I’m more of an engineer. So I always think of: what are the must haves? What are the nice to haves? Like in the military: what are the primary objectives? What are the secondary objectives?
So there are features that are non-negotiable that you know, you must have in a car, and there’s things that oh, well, if you could get them and if you can get them at a reasonable price or whatever, then it would be nice, but maybe you don’t necessarily want to pay a premium for it. So having clarity of that, you know, really helps find the solution that meets your needs.
Maggie
And I have to say that the idea of the must haves and the nice to haves is something we do and use in our marriage all the time. Even when we’re planning the weekend, or even when we’re planning how we’re going to spend our time together or something like that, it’s like, “Oh, we must for sure do this today.”
Like, we’ll pick something that’s must happen today. And then anything else that we have time and we get to it, it’s fine. Or if we’re going shopping, or we’re going to, you know, a specific thing it’s like, “Oh, we definitely want to make sure we do this. And it would be nice if we did this or that.” But then we — it takes so much pressure off I find having that must have versus nice to have approach.
Mariano
Definitely.
Maggie
Yeah, I think that’s for me, that’s been really useful. So think about an area in your life right now, for everyone who’s listening, where maybe we’re trying to do everything, as opposed to really identifying and prioritizing.
And I’m gonna do another podcast episode just on the idea of prioritizing because it’s come up so often with clients lately. But what is the most important priority, right? In Soul Centered Communication, I talk about being uncomplicated, and it’s like being uncomplicated one thing at a time, that thing only and then the next thing.
And just that can just relieve so much stress around so many things. It brings you so much clarity, and it brings the people around you so much clarity, as well. So that idea of being clear on what you want is so important.
Even the very first episode of this podcast called How To Have a Better Marriage, episode one. We’ll link to it in the show notes. The first thing you do to have a better marriage is just decide. You decide that you’re going to have one. You decide what you want. You decide you want something different than what you have today. And that decision is so critical. The hubby is nodding.
Mariano
That’s right. I wasn’t given the cue.
Maggie
He is co-signing. Do you have anything else you want to add before we go on to the next thing?
Mariano
Nah.
Maggie
Okay, so those were some of the things that came up when we were in the process of buying the car that I just thought were really interesting. And I guess I would be remiss in not saying we bought the car, obviously.
So what ended up happening was, there was another dealer that had an online form, which I also filled out and you could book this form, and they’d call you to schedule a test drive. And I literally ended up buying the car from the only dealership that called me back. That was — that was it.
Then it was what, like 30 miles away, it was quite far relatively speaking, right? We had several that were probably within 10 or 15 minutes of us, so this ended up being, I don’t know, half an hour, 40 minute drive. It was quite far.
But they literally emailed me immediately, called me back immediately, booked the appointment and had a friendly person call me and say we’d love to help you with this, you know, come on over. And then we arrived.
And I guess because I had booked the appointment, they had a car like washed and ready for us to test drive basically the moment we walked in, and it was incredibly organized. It was incredibly, you know, it ran very smoothly.
And I had filled out all the paperwork for the internet — I guess it’s like an Internet special or like the internet rate or whatever it was. So when it came time to even negotiate for the price, I said, “Well, this is what I printed out,” right?
So that deciding what you want and sort of doing a little bit of work ahead of time. It probably saved us, I don’t know, maybe $5,000 on the actual car. Because when we got there, they said “Oh, yeah, that’s our internet rate. Totally, we’ll honor that.”
And it was just a very smooth transaction because I had also done so much research. I knew the value of what I was getting. I knew that was a great deal, because I had seen the prices in the other places, all of those things. Yeah.
Mariano
Yes. What you have said is true.
Maggie
Okay. He was there. He co-signs. I love it. Okay, so the next thing we want to talk about a little bit is — so it’s been a few weeks now. I think it’s been maybe six or seven weeks and I’ve sort of been acclimating to having — so I just wanna repeat for everyone listening. I had the same car for seventeen years.
It was a good car. If anybody’s wondering, it was a Hyundai Sonata. Okay, I love my Hyundai’s. And as it turned out, I have owned three cars in my life, and they were a white Hyundai Sonata, a white Hyundai Sonata, and most recently, a white Hyundai Sonata. I’m a woman who knows what she likes.
But now in 17 years, technology has changed. I keep on saying this: technology has changed. And driving my car now feels like, I don’t know, being a pilot in a plane or something. Like all the different features that exist, the roadside beeps, and cameras and all these things. It’s such an adventure to drive this car. I love it so much.
So one of the unexpected byproducts of me following my desire for this car, and one day, I was talking to a friend of mine. And as we’re talking, we both love cars, both women love cars. So let’s break that stereotype right there. I know more about cars than my hubby does.
And so we were talking about it and I thought, “Oh, I think it’s time to buy this car.” And what’s really interesting in reflecting around, like, why did I have the same car for 17 years, one of the reasons is whenever I had the choice to invest in Coaching, in building my brain, my mind, in my personal development, and growing as a human, in my continuing education, I always invested in that first, I always just did, “ Eh, I can drive whatever car, It doesn’t matter.”
But I will invest in the most premium Coaching and education and programs for my brain. And I really am very happy that I’ve done that, like I have no regrets about that. But it’s just an interesting thing that when we use our money in accordance with our values, right? I loved my 17 year old car, and I love my new car, too.
But the unexpected byproduct of me following this desire of buying this car that I’m so excited about, and I just I really have a crush on my car. It’s like I like to look at it, I like to sit in it, all the things — is that right now I work from home and my hubby is now going back to the office three days a week. And he gets to drive the car and have a lot of fun with that. So what is your experience been as enjoying sort of the by product of this adventure with the car?
Mariano
Well, definitely the journey, the process of getting the car and finding the right car was, you know, really interesting. We obviously, we started with looking at something else, then, you know, based on what we had read and the test drives, you know, we ended up changing slightly what we wanted and settling on.
You know, discovering that the Sonata made everything you really wanted to have. Also it was very nice that you are open to advice from your spouse. So I made some suggestions that, you know, that were listened to.
Maggie
Yeah, okay, let’s talk about that. So, the original car I wanted had a smaller back seat area, and it wasn’t as comfortable if you were going to take somebody in it. And then my wise engineer husband says, you know, over the years, we may not use that very often. But it’s useful if we have just a bigger, you know, backseat area.
And this was just something he identified that really didn’t matter to me all that much but, made a lot of sense when he said it. And so when we ended up looking at this car, he said, “Oh, this car has plenty of space. It’s this easy to take anyone if you want to take anyone in it.”
And one of the things I love to model right, it’s like the Gottman Institute that does all this research around what makes marriages thrive tells us that being open to influence is one of the things that helps couples really thrive together and being open to influence is sometimes misinterpreted.
It doesn’t mean that I do everything my hubby says. Itt doesn’t mean that he does everything I say as we can both attest. We both have very strong opinions about a lot of things. But we listen to each other about, you know, whenever each of us has a thought about something. And we take that into consideration when we make the final decision.
So we talked very openly about being open to each other’s influence. And so I just wanted to A) mention, like, what is that so you can go out and practice that with your honey. And this was a great example of something you identified that could be important and oh okay, that might be something that I’ll consider now when we make the final decision.
And then my hubby who’s great at like really researching and understanding some of the details of the different, you know, there’s so many car models and so many different things. Once we identified that this car had potential we went in and he specifically looked and did a sort of comparison, a cost — what was it like a price analysis versus the features that were included and all this like really great, very simple analysis to see what was really the best investment. Right?
And so it ended up being the car that we ended up getting, which is the limited that had like all the features. And it really has all the features that a lot of very premium, way more expensive cars have. But it was really at a great value, right? And I’m not affiliated with Hyundai in any way. I just like my car. To be clear. This is just, we did the research, we liked the car. Anything to add around that?
Mariano
No, I think you covered it pretty well.
Maggie
Okay, so the next thing that we learned in having the car, in the process of just having something new like that, was we got a flat tire basically immediately, what like two weeks in?
Mariano
I think the first week.
Maggie
The first week. So, we got a flat tire, and we had to take it to the dealer, and we had to, you know — we actually ended up getting a new tire like, it wasn’t something that was even fixable. So we had to get a new tire. And what was so interesting about that is just the fact that there are setbacks, always right?
No matter how fabulous a situation is, no matter how great a relationship is, a car might be, a job might be, a house that you love might be, there’s always going to be trade offs, there’s always going to be setbacks. And we just want to really normalize that that is part of life. It’s not the exception. It’s the rule.
And I think it’s so important to talk about because we can sort of live with these fantastical ideas that it’s like, “Oh, when I get to this special accomplishment, or this special place in life, or this special thing, no more flat tires.” And that’s not true, we will always have flat tires. What are your thoughts about that?
Mariano
Oh, so true. Well said.
Maggie
The hubby is just very agreeable today. And I’m just gonna enjoy it. Just gonna roll with that.
Mariano
I disagree completely. No, of course not.
Maggie
But one thing you said when we were prepping for the show, and for everyone listening, the hubby’s a little quiet today, but here’s what I did that I will not do again. We prepped for the show and we talked about it ahead of time. And so then he gave me all his juiciest ideas when we were prepping.
And now he’s just like, “Yes. I agree.” But one thing that you said — next time we’re coming with no preparation. But one thing you said that really struck me was you said, “If we have setbacks, we bounce back, like that’s just part of life.”
And that really spoke to me around, of course we’re gonna have setbacks. And of course, we bounce back. And I think there’s something about the way your brain works as an engineer that makes that really, like simple and to be expected. And I don’t think everyone thinks the way you think so could you share a little more about that?
Mariano
Hmm, let’s see. I’m not sure that anything particular comes to mind about myself, by the way I think about that. But I mean, from the point of view of engineering — you know, that’s how it works. Like, you know, when you figure out how to build the building or a bridge, it’s like it’s all based on analyzing.
Putting — let’s say putting enough weight on something until it breaks, you figure out okay, this thing will break at 30,000 pounds. So like, you do your design, your decision, based on knowing what the limits are. So failure is part of the process in order to understand what to do not to fail.
Maggie
I love that so much. Because I think in relationships, a lot of us, including me, will think failure is a problem. We shouldn’t have any. Why do we have it at all? Why is it even here? Versus failure is part of the process.
Oh, we just arrived at my limit. This is my limit. Welcome. We have arrived, right? It’s a different mindset to say, “Oh, and now that we know my limit, now we will figure out how we want to handle that.”
Mariano
Yeah, remember something else that happened in the second week of having the car is I drove your car somewhere and I parked it, and I paid by phone through an app. And I didn’t even think about it. It’s like I’m driving my car. And in this case was your car. And I’m paying for parking. So it’s all good, right?
But guess what? I’m driving a different car with a different license plate. And I forgot to specify that in the app. So that was a failure. And I had to pay a fine. But you know what? I’ll never forget ever again. I always check that. So, yeah, it was really just the price of the lesson.
Maggie
Okay, it was the price of the lesson. That is so good. So sometimes when we have that moment, that we don’t want, it was not fun for him to get a parking ticket, right? It was not fun for him to come home and say and tell me that he got a parking ticket. None of that was fun, right?
However, that lesson is a lesson that now he has forever. And that lesson to be careful to check, to notice, you know, oh, this is a new thing. This is a different thing. I need to think about this differently. That happens in so many chapters of our life, that it’s so valuable when we learn those lessons, and it’s something relatively simple, and it’s a parking ticket and you can pay it and it’s fine.
It’s — I always love the idea of getting those lessons in a simple sort of safer way that then when they come in bigger ways that are more challenging, we’re sort of ready for them.
Mariano
Yes, totally.
Maggie
Yeah, I love that so much. Okay, and then the last thing that I have found around just the experience of having this car and loving this car so much and really enjoying having it, is acclimating to being in your next level.
So if you could, you know, put yourself in the mindset of think about a 14 year old car, or 17 year old car, right? And then think about going from that to like, something that’s brand new, right? It’s like going from, I don’t know, a cave, to a skyscraper, right? In terms of like, what the quality of the experience is in the car.
And I have found myself, the night we brought it home, I was actually a little nervous. I was feeling very unsettled and I didn’t totally know why. And I, over the last few weeks have really thought about it more and have really thought about acclimating to your next level, even when it’s something good. Even when it’s something going in the right direction, that the way that, you know, you want it to go.
It’s still new, and something you know, for our brains, our brains interpret something new as dangerous and something familiar as safe. So even when we’re doing something that is good for us, our brains can have all kinds of thoughts and all kinds of reactions just because it’s new, even though it’s good.
And I just want to point that out, because that idea that acclimating to your next level should be immediate. Right? I think is also something we don’t really think about or talk about. But I have found that as you continue to grow, whether it’s having a better relationship, whether it’s feeling more connected with your partner, whether it’s getting a promotion at work, whether it’s succeeding wildly in your business, whatever that looks like, allowing for this moment of feeling wobbly and feeling uncomfortable, and just letting that be part of it and expecting it, I think is really, really important.
And I’d love to hear from the engineering perspective, like when you’re building something new or creating something new, like then you have to think, how does this affect what’s already built? Right? There’s an acclamation part of that.
Mariano
Integration. Yeah, for sure. You have to, you know, maybe the plumbing is really great. Something you just added, but now it’s not gonna be compatible with some old thing you have. And now you replace that as well. So you kind of have to look at the whole picture.
Maggie
Yeah, that’s an interesting thing. You have to look at the whole picture. And that’s something that sometimes when we don’t slow down and look at the whole picture, we get ourselves into these situations where we’re twisted a little bit into a pretzel trying to make something that used to fit the old way we did things, match with the new way we’re doing things and sometimes we just have to really look at the whole picture, take a step back and say, “Okay, what goes with what I’m creating now?”
Mariano
Yes.
Maggie
Yeah. Okay, so the last thing I want to talk about, and it’s kind of related to this acclimating thing is when I got home from buying the car, as I mentioned, I felt unsettled. And I got on my treadmill, and I wanted to listen to a podcast episode and my business (Coach Stacy Beeman, who’s fabulous), had an episode on her podcast, which I hadn’t listened to yet.
We will put a link to it in the show notes if you’re curious about it. But she bought a car and she did a whole episode on her experience buying this car. And it was so comforting to hear my own Coach tell her story. And as a, you know, as a young woman making a very big investment and what her experience was walking into the dealership. She has like a great story about the car that she bought.
And when I was listening to that episode, she bought an Audi RS7, and I really was so fascinated by everything she was sharing that I googled the Audi RS7, and I think it’s a beautiful car. It’s an awesome car and I love it. And I know it’s beautiful because it looks very similar to my Hyundai Sonata Limited.
So if you want to have some fun today, look up an RS7. Look up a Sonata Limited. You will see these cars are like sisters, like family. And that just is endlessly amusing to me because we basically drive the same car but mine was probably, I don’t know, a fourth of the price which is fine.
This is the car that I chose, that I love. It was such a fascinating experience to just hear everything about buying this car and then for the cars to be so similar was really fun. And I have told my husband how endlessly amused I am about this for the last few weeks. He’s chuckling, but I don’t think he has anything to add. Is there anything you want to add about that?
Mariano
Nope. Not at all.
Maggie
He’s very amused. I don’t do these on video, but I might have to do one on video just so you can see the chuckle. It’s amazing.
Okay, before we wrap up today, is there anything else that we should just touch upon — whether it’s about buying the car or the experience of making the decision together and how we were open to influence or anything like that?
Mariano
I think we covered all the bases.
Maggie
Yeah. Awesome. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for always sharing your wisdom and your time with us. I love having you here. Thank you, everyone, for listening. I hope you had as much fun as we did. Just talking about the experience of buying the car.
And in the show notes, you will see everything that I mentioned will be there, so feel free to check those out. And we’ll be back next week with more actionable guidance to help you make your marriage stronger. Bye everyone.