Maggie
Hello, Welcome everyone to another podcast episode of The Marriage Life Coach Podcast. I am so excited to have Sarah Shiozawa joining me today. She is a Leadership and Management Coach, and she is a member of The Marriage MBA, my program. And she also did The Marriage Mindset Makeover Challenge before she joined The Marriage MBA.
And I asked her to join us because I know her experience with the challenge was really interesting. I found it really interesting. And I wanted her to share a little bit about all the different sort of things she’s been doing in her relationship and share a little bit about herself.
So first, I’m going to introduce you to her. She began her professional career working in Washington, D.C. as a consultant with Homeland Security, which I think is amazing. And she was a staffer in the U.S. Senate. She holds certifications in Program Management, Life Coaching, and Advanced Leadership.
And Sarah loves marathon training, tennis, and international travel. I love international travel, too. So exciting! And she is an active member of the Association of Military Spouse Entrepreneurs, at which I’m totally gonna ask her about in a sec. And she loves to connect with military families and twin moms. So she’s a mom of twins herself. Welcome, Sarah, thank you for being here.
Sarah Shiozawa
Thank you so much, Maggie. It’s such a privilege to be here.
Maggie
So before we get started, you — whatever you can share, because Homeland Security is of course very, you know, top secret. But can you tell us a little bit about what type of work you did as a consultant with them?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yeah, so my background is actually in public administration. So this is The Marriage MBA, I honestly think it’s Life MBA. So I, anyways, I love how you run your program. But so I was led to public service and I started my career in D.C. And essentially, you know, we helped our clients roll out different initiatives, you know, throughout the country.
And we really just custom made whatever they needed. But it was very interesting, dynamic work, and I just love those experiences — loved. You know, I love politics, I love working the Senate. I also love working with federal agencies.
And so it was really a fun chapter. And from there is where I, you know, eventually became a military spouse. So that was definitely a shift for me. And that’s actually when I found Coaching. And that’s why I’m here. And that’s what led to me finding you.
Maggie
So awesome. So both of my brother-in-laws are former military. One of them is former Army, and one of them is former Marines. And I think that people who aren’t in military families don’t really fully understand how challenging it is for military spouses to be in a long term relationship with someone who’s having a career in the military.
So one of my brothers-in-law was in the military for 20 years and just recently retired from that. But it is incredibly challenging. So before we dive in, can you tell us a little bit about the Association for Military Spouse Entrepreneurs and some of the challenges that you’ve seen? I think this is just useful for all of us to know a little bit more about that.
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes. You know, it’s so interesting, because my grandfather served, you know, in World War II, but I really had no kind of day to day understanding of what military life really looks like. It’s a smaller part of the population that, you know, has this lifestyle. You fall in love with the soldier, right?
And so my husband, he’s a physician as well. So, we have the military and we have medicine. So it’s just an interesting dynamic, because, you know, within the military, they’re going to deploy. There’s a, lot of change.
For instance, assignments come up and they, you know, just out of nowhere have to leave, and because they’re responding to the needs of the military, they’re responding to the needs of within that organization.
And so there’s a bit of uncertainty, and I think all of us experienced that during the pandemic. So everyone got a taste of a little bit of what military life is like, and that is that, you know, there’s a lot of change, there’s a lot of uncertainty, and you have to pivot and adapt to the changes.
You know, we move every year to two years. We don’t always choose all of our circumstances, you know. But can you thrive regardless of your circumstances? And so that, within your relationship and within your home life, and it, you know, relationships really are critical to your overall health.
And that’s what I’ve learned through Marriage MBA. You know, when you’re thriving within that relationship, you know, it just trickles down to everything within your life.
Maggie
And tell us a little bit about what you do now.
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes, so I am a Leadership Coach. And, you know, essentially, I’m helping managers and leaders manage transition. You know, have autonomous teams, that continuous adaption, and as they’re leading humans, you know, because we’re coming through the day, we’re all having emotions, we’re all having feelings, and how to make the most of changes, and how to actually implement and lead that change within your organization.
Maggie
Yeah, it’s such important and such powerful work. Like when we lead leaders, then everything that we do that helps a leader, then helps a huge group of people in so many situations.
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes. Yeah. So we — I mean, leaders just in general, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Maggie
Go ahead.
Sarah Shiozawa
They just, you know, leaders are influencing, you know, the leaders impact you, no matter whatever industry you’re in. You know, when a leader does the work, when a leader changes themselves, then that influences all those that they’re in contact with.
Maggie
And I love that, because one of the themes that underscores everything that I do in the podcast, and everything that I do in my work with marriage is helping you know, humans who identify as women become emotional leaders and their relationship.
And they may have never thought of it that way. That might not be something that’s like we talked about all the time. But I think, oh, what if we did that? What would the impact on the relationship be? And what I have found over and over again is, it’s usually a very positive and very powerful impact.
Sarah Shiozawa
Beautiful, yeah.
Maggie
So why did you decide to do the challenge first, and then The Marriage MBA, which is the program that you’re in now?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes. You know, it’s so interesting, Maggie, because I was thinking back to the beginning of this year. We were a year into the global pandemic. I had some professional and personal setbacks. And, you know, I am a Coach. I recognize that they are circumstances. I think, intellectually, I could recognize these are neutral circumstances.
But I was in a funk. And I was struggling, and I couldn’t navigate through it. I couldn’t do it on my own. And so it was a really interesting time, I really feel I was at a crossroads. And my head was telling me: invest in your business. And my heart told me: go work with Maggie.
And I’ll never forget it, I was out on a run. And, you know, I had that clarification, like, what you need to do is you need set up a consult with Maggie. And so I that’s exactly — I came back from the run. I scheduled, you know, my consult, you know, met with you and then the challenge came shortly after and honestly, that was the right decision for me at the time.
It — and I’m now just discovering all the reasons why, but I really was at a critical point. And you were the Coach I needed at the time to really guide me through that chapter, that season.
Maggie
What was it like something, you know, I talked about different things. And I have different concepts. And we’re practicing them together every week in our calls, but what was it that really inspired you to think, “I think this can help me.”
Like was it a specific tool? Was it a concept that I shared? I just want everyone to know. Sometimes we have those moments where we’re like, “This is the thing that will really help me.” What was that for you?
Sarah Shiozawa
You know, for me, I’m a very visual learner. And one of the brilliant concepts that you expanded on, you know, she taught this in the challenge. It was developed by the psychologist I believe it’s Steven Karp — Cartman? If I remember that correctly.
Maggie
Yes.
Sarah Shiozawa
Yeah. Yes. So, you beautifully expand on the drama triangle, which, for someone that’s a visual learner, is a beautiful representation of emotional childhood, which I was in. You know, and but to see that — because you know, there’s, you know, we all — when you’re on default, when you’re on autopilot or maybe perhaps a season have some stress and you know a little bit of chaos, it’s very easy to fall back to old patterns, you know, which is the victim, the rescuer and the persecutors. You know, the sides of the triangle.
Maggie
Yeah. So the drama triangle — an amazing psychologist develop this idea that we’re all in these different parts of the drama triangle at different stages of our life, and how useful it is to recognize when we are being one of those things.
And very often, especially for type A, high achieving people like us, we’re very often in roles like rescuer, but also fascinatingly like, victim. Like we try to rescue and then we’re like, “Oh, but they don’t listen to me,” or whatever it is, and then we sort of victimize ourselves with some of the things that we do.
And seeing that, right, visually seeing that — it just gives you this moment to say, oh, what am I doing right now? What is hap — it gives you that moment to pause and question and see while moving forward, what’s going to work. So I touched upon it briefly in The Marriage Mindset Makeover. And then we do talk about it also, again, in The Marriage MBA, because I think it’s such an important concept to understand.
I’m so glad that, that resonated. And I’m so excited to hear that. So we obviously talk every week, but we talked a little bit about some of the things that you’ve taken away from Coaching so far, and some of the experiences that have been most powerful for you.
And they always, I’m curious, because we talked about so many different things. And if you listen to the podcast and listen to some of the interviews with different clients that have been on, it’s always a different thing that is the thing that calls to them. It’s so fascinating to hear that. So what are some of your maybe like top three takeaways, or aha moments that you’ve had in our work together?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yeah, and, you know, interesting enough, it’s been different ones along the way, you know, and they’ve shaped the experience. I mean, the first one that really stood out, was this living into your values and making decisions from values.
So I took some time, and really was thoughtful about my personal values, about my relationship values, the professional values. And that has provided clarity in a way that — you know, someone that and this is another aspect that’s come up a little bit later in marriage, in The Marriage MBA, but as someone who’s developing self trust, you know, and that authority within yourself, to clearly have the values, and to know that when I’m making decisions for my values, I’m aligning to my higher self, to the best version of myself. And that helps me to move forward in all the areas of life.
Maggie
I love that so much. Yeah. Once you have that — one of the things I think about all the work we do in our marriages is once we do it in one area of our life, we can do it in any area of our life. So when we start sort of uncovering it here, and especially if it feels hard over here, once we do the hardest one, which is usually with our partners, then doing it with a client or a vendor, or you know, whatever — at the school volunteer committee or something, it’s so much easier because we’ve already done like the hardest, like heavy lifting, so to speak.
So inside The Marriage MBA, we do a values exercise, and I’m not going to do the whole exercise here, but I am going to say this about it. Many of us will make a lot of decisions and take a lot of action from unconstructive emotions — from fear from shame, from guilt from obligation, those are very common ones that we take action from.
And when we’re developing self trust, as Sarah so brilliantly mentioned, sometimes it feels hard to know if I’m not — if I’ve spent my whole life making decisions from fear, what the heck do I make a decision from? What? Where do I go if my self trust muscle isn’t fully built yet?
And so a value that is important to us is a great place to go. Respect, love, kindness, compassion. I mean any value, right? When in doubt, what would compassion do? What would generosity do? It immediately gives you sort of a north, I think of it like a compass. And then you’re off to the races.
So that’s a little bit about what Sarah was mentioning. And I think that unless you sort of dig into do work like this, these are not things that we would just think about on a Saturday, like randomly, right?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes, no, that is absolutely. And that’s one of the beautiful things is, you know, a lot of what you teach us, we can apply with it the business or other ways. And as you’re getting that grounding. I mean, I have felt so grounded through this process. And it’s been fun. And it’s just — and so it’s not, it hasn’t been heavy lifting.
Maggie
Oh I love hearing that. Yeah.
Sarah Shiozawa
It has honestly been such a joy. And just really a discovery. It has, I mean — anyways, it has just been, yeah, I could go on and on. It’s just been such a blessing.
Maggie
Yeah, so one thing I want to say is, like, whenever we think about, you know, making a marriage better, making life better, there are things that are harder and things that are easier. If you listen to this podcast for any length of time, you know that I like to bring a light hearted touch to heavy things as often as possible.
My philosophy is like life is heavy enough as it is, you don’t need to add more to that. And so that’s one of the things I try to infuse in the program is sometimes we’re talking about a very delicate topic that might feel very tender. But we treat it with a lot of lightness. So it just doesn’t feel even heavier than it already is.
And that is one of my intentions in both in the podcast and making sort of some of these deeper, you know, topics, you know, fun and accessible. And I think it definitely was my intention in the program itself. So I’m happy to hear your experience of it. It sort of fulfills that dream or that goal of how I envisioned it could be.
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes, yes, that was definitely my experience. And you know, also just the vulnerability and the trust, you know, of within the container. And that’s, I think that’s something that’s very unique. Because, you know, when you think — I think offhand of Marriage Coaching, you might want to do something private.
But I will tell you, you know, I’m an extrovert, but I’m also but it’s that trust there. And I have learned so much from the women in the container. I mean, the caliber, the excellence, the intelligence, and just the passion and just love of these other women.
And as we’re all in this goal of strengthening our marriage, and it has just been refreshing because I think, you know, having a safe place where you can talk about some of these, you know, because — in whatever stage in your marriage, you know, things do come up and, and having a safe place to go.
And having a mentor like Maggie, it is priceless. Wherever you are in the journey, it truly is. It’s a window to navigate. You know, if you’re not happy with some of the stories of the past or some of the evidence you’ve collected, you can create something new from this point moving forward.
Maggie
I love hearing that. From this point moving forward, you can create something new. And one of the things I hear a lot is: I’ve had this problem for 10 years, I’ve had this issue for 20 years, can I really do something different?
And you know, I’ll tell you all: yes, you can. But I want Sarah to tell you: yes, you can. It’s actually true. And I think that’s so important. So tell us a little bit about some of the results that you’ve created, like obviously you’ve gone through the process and you’ve felt a lot of things. So tell us about that.
Sarah Shiozawa
Yeah, so it’s for me, it’s been like the one degree turns. And I have adopted some of like, the no complaints. This is now a family motto. And you know, it’s a reminder for — yes, oh, it’s up on the family board, you know, and as, you know, when you stop complaining, it’s a game changer. It is an absolute game changer.
And so leaning into gratitude, leaning into appreciation for my husband and expressing that. And because I think oftentimes — so we have really young kids. We have twins that are two, we have a four year old, and you get in the regular, you know, day to day.
But when you pause, and you appreciate, and you acknowledge what your spouse is doing. Because I think that’s oftentimes they just want to be seen, they want to be appreciated. And so that can be in big and small ways. I mean, I believe one of the things that I did very early on in the program, is I wrote my husband, you know, as a letter of appreciation. And I, every day, I found something to be grateful for, and to thank, and to express that.
And, you know, and not with not trying to control or manipulate or trying to change an outcome, but from a genuine place of gratitude. That’s reciprocated. And that, that feeling of gratitude. When you’re fueled by that, the results will be different. And they were. They were completely different.
Maggie
So let’s break that down a little bit. Because I think that sometimes people have the idea that they have to fix every issue in their marriage first, and then they can be grateful. And then they can stop complaining, and then they can do whatever it is.
As opposed to, the way we make so many things in our relationships better is by stopping complaining and finding the appreciation for the smallest thing. It may not be a huge thing, but finding it in the person who brings you a cup of coffee or who, you know, opens the door for you or you know, helps you in any way. Right?
Can you speak a little bit about that? You don’t have to wait for everything to be better and on the contrary, doing some of these simple things helps make things better.
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes, I, you know, and Martha Beck talks about this, like, so much of our life is just being in that integrity with yourself and making that one degree shift. And so, and the focus, right?
Maggie
So we were talking about, you don’t have to wait. And you mentioned that Martha Beck says it’s the one degree turns. Tell us a little bit more about, about your — just your thoughts about that?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yeah. So, one of the concepts that you taught, you know, is essentially, in a relationship, you know, we’re almost like sticks on the, I mean, we’re like logs on the ocean. And if we’re not turning towards each other, you know, in the natural flow of life and in a relationship, you will drift apart.
And so, intentionally like — but not just saying, “Oh, well, we’re drifting apart and oh, I’m on the ocean. And this is just the way it will be,” but actually having the intention, if you want a different result. If you want, you know, more connection.
That knowing that you have, you know, you can turn. You can change one degree and turn towards your partner at any time, and you can course correct at any time. These are, you see, I have so many of your, you know, so many of your teachings that just keep coming up. And but they’re those reminders to live into that. And it really is. Yeah. So just those small changes to come back together.
Maggie
I think there’s also something about meeting every week that is like a touchstone. What do you think about that? Because I think it’s just like it reminds you of all these other intentions. We may not talk that week about course correcting.
So I have a podcast episode called Fresh Starts and Do Overs. I will link to that in the show notes. So I give you a whole explanation about my whole philosophy on course correction, but it can be summed up in one sentence, which is: there is no wrong time to course correct.
Like we can do it in the middle of an argument. We can do it if it was three years later, and we just realized now, whatever happened, we can always do that. But coming back to it every week, I feel like it really internalizes that this is who you are now. That this is a new chapter. What do you think of that?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes. So your approach, which is just brilliant, is when you teach a concept, if we are — if I am to live into that concept, that will literally change the trajectory of within my myself and my marriage. And so knowing that there’s six months of that, and of course, there’s time for application and integration, but I really take that to heart.
You know, okay, if there is a concept that we’re learning here, and it’s resonating me, and I know, that’s what my next step in my growth and improvement, you know, and having those reminders come up, of course, and as other people are applying as well.
Yes, it’s just the shifts, and the transformations in this short of time have blown my own mind. Have completely surprised me. And a lot of them are unexpected. I could have never even imagined the shifts that have happened.
But it’s by, you know, one at a time. It’s not doing everything. It’s just one intentional thought, practice, action, feeling at a time and the results, you know, are masterpiece. And then you get excited because you’re like, oh, wow, this is working.
You know, I’ve tried other things, it didn’t work. Like this is working, and you feel just so, you know, empowered, and just, there’s so much joy in that, too. Like having tried different things, experimented with different, you know, programs or philosophies or other modalities like that, that didn’t produce the results that I had intended.
Maggie
What do you think it is about whether it’s the concepts that we’re learning in The Marriage MBA, or whether it’s something about the approach — why do you think that it has worked so well for you?
I’m curious, as to — like, one of the things is not every modality is for everyone, right? And not every approach is for everyone. But why this approach has been so effective for you, I think it would be useful for other people to know and say, “Oh, would that work for me?” Either way.
Sarah Shiozawa
Yeah. You know, that is a really insightful question. I just — I resonate with your style, the excellence of your Coaching. I mean, to be perfectly honest, like the first time I heard you Coach, I was straight out of my own training.
And, you know, it was like, I was watching the model be Coached for the very first time, you know, the Life Coach School model. And it’s this environment — it’s the container, the environment that is created. For whatever reason, this particular — it’s just so aligned to the changes that I need to make. Yeah.
Maggie
Okay, so here’s what I want to break down for everyone’s listening to the podcast. Research tells us in therapy — so therapy has been studied more so than Coaching. I think we’ll probably find out maybe 20 years from now the same for Coaching. But that the most success — the most important factor in the success of a therapeutic intervention is the relationship with the service provider, right?
It’s the sense of trust — like what you’re talking about. When we talk about the container, it’s like the group program, the way we do things, the way we honor each other, the way we listen right there. We call that a container. But that’s really it’s like — imagine coming into somebody’s house, or coming into a room, or coming into a workshop — that’s the container. It’s the emotional space that we inhabit.
So it’s like when — someone applied this year for one of the rounds of Marriage MBA, and what I told her was, find the person you trust the most, find the person you feel the most resonant with their teachings, and work with them. It doesn’t matter what they’re teaching. It doesn’t matter if it’s the opposite, the same — it doesn’t matter.
When you feel like you have a resonance with that, with that teaching with that — whether it’s with the person or whether it’s their approach to the thing, right — this approach feels good to me, that is going to like catapult your results in a way that it doesn’t matter almost which modality.
So I use a cognitive behavioral approach, we look at how our thoughts impact our behaviors. I also use a somatic approach (which is a fancy word for body) so we also check in with our body and how does our body feel and react to certain things. Different people have different approaches.
And I do want this podcast to be like, if you resonate with me, absolutely, I totally want to be your Coach. You should absolutely like sign up for all the things. But I also want to give you the discernment of how to make those decisions, whether it’s me or not, because I feel like that’s just a really important thing I want to stand for.
So I love that you really illustrated that. And that somebody else could be teaching very, a very similar thing. And if that sense of rapport, and safety, and this feeling of alignment isn’t there, the result will not be the same.
So if you’re listening to us, and you’re thinking, I want help in a specific area, I want to make my marriage better, or I want to do something better. Look for that feeling of rapport, that feeling of, “Oh this speaks to my soul.”
And then wherever you find it, whether it’s here or somewhere else, go do it. If I’m the person in your life that just told you go do it, and you go do something else. I’m very proud to be that person. And if you resonate with me, I absolutely want you to do all the things. Do the challenge, do The Marriage MBA, listen to the podcast, do all the things — because I know it will work. Right?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes. Yes. And I think what you — I mean, I felt the trust and the safety from my very first interaction, you know, and so you’re absolutely right. I think that is something that you can’t quantify. It’s not as easy to even describe and so, you know, but checking in with yourself, and I think you, you know what does resonate and what does not.
Maggie
Yeah, checking in with your body. Does this feel good? Does this feel — sometimes it’s my tummy. Does it feel like a knot in my tummy or does it feel like a release? Sometimes it’s my shoulder. Do I feel like something’s gripping at me or do I feel relaxed?
When you hear someone talk, when you read a book, when you’re gonna sign up for a workshop, sometimes it’s okay to be a little afraid, like, we’re gonna do something that’s big in our life, and we feel a little bit afraid. And that’s all right. That’s not what we’re talking about here. Here we’re talking about, “I’m afraid, but this feels like something that speaks to a deeper part of myself.” So I think that’s really important.
Now, when we’re Coaching, sometimes we find out something about ourselves that feels confronting, or that feels challenging, or that we’re just not delighted about. And I never want to sugarcoat that part of it. Like, we come here, and we’re like, “Oh, my gosh, it’s amazing!” And yes, it is. And it can have these moments that feel challenging. So how do you handle that, when that occurs?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yeah, I think part of this awareness, you know, is learning things about yourself that were hidden or out of you before. And then as they’re brought to the light, you can just take a look at that. And that’s one of the things that we also learn is to observe it so compassionately and without judgment.
And I will say specifically for me, you know, you taught about the anger scale, and healthy anger with Karen Anderson. And for someone that most of my life, I’ve been socialized to believe that anger is wrong, or anger is bad, or anger shouldn’t be really expressed.
You know, that’s a part of me I needed to look at, you know, because anger is part of the human experience. Anger is an emotion. And if you repress an emotion, it just gets larger. So there’s a difference, you know, of allowing and repressing, and it also just shining the light on that, was extremely helpful.
And it might be an area that’s, it’s uncomfortable to look at, but I was all for it. To look at, okay, what’s behind this, and just to learn a little bit more for my own awareness. So if something is — I’m confronted, you know, moving forward, understanding what the emotion is, and what’s perhaps behind it.
Maggie
I think that’s so — such a powerful example. So I have podcast episodes on both of those. And we’ll link to that in the show notes. So women in general are very conditioned that anger is not the thing we lead with, right? And to first of all, normalize that, of course, we’re gonna feel anger, like, just like we would feel joy or sadness or any other feeling, and to be in a room with other women.
Also, having that experience, like, oh, this can be normal, and we can all do it and we can do it safely and in a way that’s healthy and constructive and moves us forward. I think it’s so important. Sometimes what I’ve seen a lot in my own life, and in working with clients, is we feel like we’re the only one going through something.
We’re the only one who has trouble with anger. We’re the only one who’s having whatever issue and seeing that like, “Oh, these amazing humans, you know, with these amazing lives and careers and accomplishments, and all these things, also have this?” There’s something immensely comforting about that.
I’ve seen it in the group, and I’ve experienced it for myself, you know, as a human on Earth as well. Okay, so we talked about something hard, let’s talk about something fun. What’s a fun memory that you have from Coaching, either from a session or something that you did for homework. What comes to mind?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yeah, you know, one of the things that has just been really fun is tapping into, like, the simple pleasures of life. And adding those back in. And leaning into that part of life. And we talk about lots of different things, and, you know, obviously, through the program, but it’s just those simple moments, and creating space for them.
I mean, yesterday we talked about, you know, when we overwork or we hustle, or we are over scheduled, like, we are not creating space even for the connection with our spouse. And so creating the space, creating the time, the flexibility, so that you can still finish the essential, you know, items that you need to do during the week, but also create the time for the connection and for the beautiful things of life that you that you want to have and have more of, and lean into that as well.
Maggie
I love that. It’s like we have to create space for the things we want. And sometimes we don’t notice. We just don’t even notice that we’re not creating that space. So I cannot count the number of times I’ve had someone do a consultation with me and I’ve asked them about the relationship and they’re struggling. And then I ask them, “How much time do you spend together?” And it’s basically none.
And we need to look at that. And obviously, if you are in a stressful situation, you’re not going to want to spend time with that person. Because every time it’s a drag. Who would want to do that? So we need to not make it a drag. There will be things to unpack with that. But it’s also like, oh, this is so important to me and how is it that I will prioritize that? And what will I say no to to say yes to this.
This is why we spend — by the way, for everyone listening, this is why we spend six months together. Because it’s very simple to ask you this question and for you to sit with it, and you know, take it into your heart in the podcast, but to live into the answer of that question with the ups and downs that, that entails and what the trade offs that that entails.
That’s why that energetic container is a six month container, because that will require something of you that just requires your presence and your attention and your focus in a different way, I think.
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes, absolutely. And that has been my experience, you know. And once again, it’s just, it’s having that placeholder on your calendar. And that’s what — I think that this is self care. Like, this is me time. No one’s — nothing is gonna — as much as I can, nothing’s gonna interrupt this hour this week.
Because it’s fun. It is so — you know, and I’ve had other commitments, you know, want to pull me away, but, oh, I’m gonna be at Marriage MBA, because it anchors me through the week. And it’s just — it’s a delight. It is so fun. And just, it’s a joy to be there.
Maggie
So, everyone thinking about this — a lot of you’ve done other marriage work in your life. And I’ve never heard anybody call it fun. And that really was my intention. I was like, how do we make this — like, how do we make this the thing you look forward to all week? Like what would that be like, was like the premise that I started from.
And like, let’s see, how could we do it? Let’s find out. Is that even possible? And so it’s so fun to just hear you on the other side of that from when I was like, could we make it? You could — I put that somewhere in the sales page.
It’s like, “It’s the call you look forward to every week,” and I’m like, what would that be like? Let’s see. Let’s create that experience, right? It’s so fun. Now I’m going to ask a really shameless question. So everyone, just breathe. What did you like about working with me in the program?
And the reason I’m asking this question is twofold: I want the people who like the same things you like to know what those things are. And I want to model what it’s like for a woman to just own her power with humility.
Like, I think I’m super cool, but I think I’m in a room of geniuses. We’ve said that in our group as well, like everyone in the program is amazing. I just facilitate an experience. I’m not any cooler than anyone else in the program. So I want to just say that and really model that on the podcast, right? It’s like, we can own our power with humility and love. It doesn’t make us, you know, arrogant people, right?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes. Yes. And I will say there are so many things, and I will tell you, I am probably your biggest fan, because I’ve told all my friends and colleagues just how wonderful my experience has been. It’s your authenticity, your vulnerability that you lead with, and you do it so courageously.
Your incredible wisdom. And obviously, I mean, it’s your excellence of Coaching. And the other just wonderful benefit — and I will say, this was another thing — you know, Maggie just completed The Advanced Feminist Training, and you’ve got some tools in there, if that’s of interest of you, as well.
And I saw you start that, and that was another thing, like, I am all in on this, and I’m excited to learn it, you know, as well. And so I would just say, you know, it’s you. I mean, there’s no like re-creation of what Maggie brings.
I mean, it’s just a unique combination of your life experiences, and everything that you have to offer that for me, helps me grow into more of the woman that I want to be. And so learning from you, and having you as a mentor, and seeing your example, just has strengthened me, and given me the courage to show up more as that best version within my own life.
Maggie
So number one, that is a dream come true for me. Is that I don’t want anybody who works with me, in any capacity, to be more like me. I want them to be more like them, right? Like, the goal is not for you to do stuff I do. It’ss for you to do what’s in your heart to do and how can I help you do that. So to hear that reflected back, I literally got chills. That was like, amazing.
And I think it’s important — one of the things that I do all the time. And I think when you say vulnerability, I think this is what you’re referring to, but please, please tell me. I’ll give you examples from stupid things I do, right? Or not stupid, but silly things and things that, you know, I know better, right? But I’m also human.
And I really want to normalize that I teach these things, and I’m living a human life at the same time. And no one is exempt from that. Because I think a lot of us, we become experts in our field, we become accomplished in our careers or in our businesses. And we sort of have this persona as a professional.
You know, I used to work in HR and my professional HR persona, like we have to have it all together. And I’m like, maybe we have it mostly together, right? Maybe we got it 97% together. And I think that the more we can model that for each other, it’s one of the ways that we really dismantle the patriarchy. This patriarchal idea that it has to look a particular way.
It’s like, no, we’re all being human together. Like perfectionism is a myth. And we don’t embrace that. So I think I very intentionally try to present my — all my imperfections. And you all know it in the podcast, too, because I do it here as well.
And I’ve had my husband on the show, and there’ll be times when you’ll like roll his eyes or say something, you know, funny, and you just hear us. This is just how we are. Lovingly, right? But humanly, and so thank you for seeing that. And thank you for just expressing that. I think it’s so important.
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes.
Maggie
Sarah is nodding.
Sarah Shiozawa
I’m just taking it all in.
Maggie
Okay good. I love it. Let’s see. Sometimes I ask this, and it’s okay if you don’t have the answer, but does your hubby have any thoughts about our work together or your experience in the last few months in your marriage? Like, what did your hubby say?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yeah, you know, I think one of the very tangible changes is the communication has improved drastically. And so I think that is — and that’s one of the things that I think is a common stumbling block. And so communication, just keep working on that.
And you — one of the tools you talked about is just bringing up one thing at a time. Even that, will help communication so much versus like, let’s bring the whole list of all the different years, but just one thing at a time.
Maggie
So I have a podcast episode called Soul Centered Communication and then I teach it in depth in the program. And one of the steps in Soul Centered Communication is to be uncomplicated. It’s the “u” in the Soul Centered part. And the way I teach it is: it’s one thing at a time, one thing only, and then the next thing.
And I repeat this incessantly to all my students. One thing at a time, one thing only, and then the next thing. And what I have found is I really thought that, that was just one element of the Soul Centered Communication. I get that — oh, we need all of these elements and this is one of them.
But it’s the thing I get the most comments on, all the time, that if you just do that — if you just think about uncomplicated communication, so many things will be so much easier in your life. So I love hearing that. That’s so fun.
Okay, so one of the things I like to do is ask a question from The Questions for Couples Journal and see what happens. And today’s question is so fun. Let me find it. Okay. Okay, everybody — everyone listening, answer this question for yourself as I ask it to Sarah.
Your life story is being made into a TV show. What is it called, who plays you, and who plays your partner? And I think Sarah might have to think about that for a minute, so I might go first. Okay, I’ll go first, because I actually, I know that I see the question. I have answered this with my husband. So I’ll go first while Sarah is thinking.
So we’ve gone back and forth. My husband and I — we like the show Blackish, so I think we called it Cubanish because I’m Cuban. We thought that could be one. The other one I think was something like The Life Coach or something like The Married Life Coach or something like that.
And then we have debated who would play him and who would play me and I go back and forth on a variety of people, but I love America Ferrara from Superstore. I think she’d play a fun, sassy Maggie Reyes, so I’ll pick her. And then for my husband — oh my gosh, I don’t remember his name.
He is the actor who was in — what was he in? You guys. I’m gonna have to tell you next episode. You’re going to have to stay tuned. I’m going to look up his name and I’m going to tell you in the next episode. Because I don’t remember right now and I don’t like, want to say the name. I’m gonna see if I can look it up while Sarah answers. Okay, Sarah. Your turn.
Sarah Shiozawa
Oh I love that. So a movie came to mind, which is You’ve Got Mail because my husband and I actually — we wrote letters, you know, because he’s in the military, for years and years. But there was also that dynamic as well. But who would play me? Probably Julia Roberts, and I’ve forgotten this lead, but he was in Lost. He is Korean. My husband’s actually Japanese. But anyway, I forgot his name.
Maggie
Yes. Oh, my gosh. Wasn’t he also in Hawaii Five-O?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yes.
Maggie
I think I remember it. Yes. Okay, We’re gonna look him up. Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Everybody go look up Jeffrey Dean Morgan. I think he looks like my husband. So he’s who I would have play him in the TV show. And then the guy from yeah, Hawaii Five-O. Okay, I’m gonna see if I can find him while we’re talking.
Sarah Shiozawa
Yeah. And I will just say, if anyone has not picked up Maggie’s I actually just sent it to a colleague of mine, who is wanting to date and things like that. And she wanted this book and I sent it to her because it is fabulous. Your book. I just love the questions and we’ve used it.
Maggie
Oh my gosh. That is so fun when you’re dating to really get to know the person really well. I think you can save yourself so much heartache when you ask these questions early on, and then make really wise decisions about the dating process. I think that’s so good. So Daniel Dae Kim.
Sarah Shiozawa
Oh, yes.
Maggie
Was in – yeah, he’s awesome. He’s so good. So awesome. Before we wrap up, Sarah, if you could share one thing that you think will help someone listening, just have a better marriage, just feel better in their marriage today. Something simple, that they can just — I like to think about listen today and apply tomorrow. What would you tell them?
Sarah Shiozawa
Yeah, you know, I would say, write an intention statement. You know, just of who you want to be. For me it was, “I want to be a fun and a calm wife.” And, you know, as circumstances come up, as things come up, just look at that intention statement and and remember who you want to be.
Maggie
Yes, that is so good. So in the challenge, The Marriage Mindset Makeover — we do that on day one, and in The Marriage MBA, we do it again, because it’s so important. But definitely, we’ll link to the Marriage Mindset Makeover in the show notes as well.
That idea that you decide who you want to become, and then you live into that decision is basically what we do in Coaching over and over and over again. We make a bunch of decisions, we live into them, and then when we get stuck, we get Coached.
And how to figure out what’s between us and this vision that we have for who we want to be as a woman, who we want to be in a marriage, who we want to be in the world. So thank you, that’s such a beautiful, thoughtful way to end the show. Thank you for saying yes.
Sarah Shiozawa
Absolutely. Such an honor to be here.
Maggie
So thanks everyone, for listening. Definitely check out the show notes. We’re gonna put links to all the episodes and resources that we mentioned in today’s episode, and we’ll be back next week with more strategies that are fun and simple to apply to help you make your marriage stronger. Bye.