One of my clients is taking flying lessons. She is amazing, it’s such an honor to coach her and be on her team in this chapter of her life.
She was sharing her wins during a session and said this sentence,
“The approach determines the landing.”
You see, when you fly, you have to be very careful in your approach because however you approach the runway determines how the landing will go.
The landing isn’t decided when you are actually landing, the landing is decided WAY BEFORE when you are approaching the runway.
How do you think that works in marriage?
The outcome of the argument isn’t determined when you are fighting it, nope. The outcome is determined by your approach.
Arguments can have one of two outcomes – they can lead to breakthroughs and more closeness, connection and understanding or they can lead to breakdowns and more distance, more resentment, more disappointment and more anger.
What determines the outcome? The approach. Just like with airplanes.
The Gottman Institute did a 6 year study where they found that 94% of the time, the way a discussion starts determines how it will end.
94% of the time. That’s basically ALWAYS. Imagine if you had a 94% chance of winning the lottery.
The approach determines the landing.
Stop right now and think of the last disagreement you had with your honey.
What was your approach?
How did it land?
What was the outcome?
Did you breakdown or breakthrough?
What if every argument brought you closer?
What if that was possible?
Spoiler Alert: It is totally possible.
If you feel like you are constantly recovering from an argument and preparing for the next one and never get a chance to actually enjoy being married to the love of your life, what will change that?
How will you break that cycle? Can you be specific?
Here is what we do in coaching:
We look at the mindsets that are leading to disagreements in the first place. We check root causes first. Then we plan and strategize what you will do when things go wrong.
We plan your approach AHEAD OF TIME. Because we already know we want a smooth landing. So we plan for it.
Then guess what happens?
Let’s say you do this. You practice your approach ahead of time and we brainstorm it out and you are ready.
Then just like my client, the awesome pilot, you practice your approach over and over and over again.
You tweak it and test it and see what works and what doesn’t and then you look back 6 months later and notice you are fighting less.
And when you do fight, you recover faster.
And when you recover, you get closer instead of angrier.
You stop simmering.
You stop being on edge all the time because you have time and space for love and fun, where did that come from?
You know that time in between fights when you are still simmering but nothing is moving forward? You don’t have that any more.
You have love and connection and sometimes things go wrong and you have disagreements.
Instead of having disagreements every day and sometimes things go right and you get a break.
BIG DIFFERENCE.
If you have been on the fence wondering, how the heck can my marriage get better without my partner joining me in counseling?
This is how.
Change your approach.
Decide how you want to land.
Then practice until you nail it.
Every time.
And when you are ready to work with me to get this done, book your call with me here.
