Hey Modern Married Family!
This is a live video I did in my Facebook Group, The Modern Married Wife. I do practical, actionable mini trainings in there regularly. Come join us if you aren’t already a member, we would love to have you!
In this mini training, I share some really juicy (and practical) examples on how to look at the results in your relationship and trace them back to your thoughts, aka perspectives and beliefs about what is happening.
The great news is, our thoughts and perspectives are one of the very few things in life we have 100% control over. Which means you have so much power to make a positive difference in your relationship right now (even if it doesn’t feel like it in this moment.)
You can change how you are looking at things. And when you change your perspective, it’s kind of like being at the top of a mountain – you can see so many things you would never be able to see from the bottom of the mountain.
If there is one thing I hear over and over again it is that – “when my partner changes, then everything will be better”
Or INSERT YOUR WISHES HERE
I also hear a lot, if my partner doesn’t go to couples therapy with me, the relationship is doomed. There is no point in even trying. WHAT!?!?!
Here is the deal, no one needs to change for you to be happy – REALLY. NO ONE.
EXCEPT YOU.
I know this idea might freak you out. Stay with me.
The way you need to change is by changing your perspective. By changing the way you are looking at and interpreting what is happening in your life, you take your power back and stop waiting for someone to change for you to feel better.
HOW can we do this?
There are many tools we use in coaching to help you shift your perspective.
One of favorites is Power Questions – You can click here to download The Five Power Questions Every Woman Should Know.
Today I will share a different tool called The Self Coaching Model which was created by Brooke Castillo and is based on one of the most effective psychological approaches which is called cognitive behavioral coaching.
This is the relationship between your MIND and your BEHAVIOR and is one of the key tools I use with my clients and students to help them understand how their mind works and how they can use their own personal power to take back their relationship.
Circumstances – are neutral and can be interpreted in more than one way
Thoughts – a sentence in your mind about the circumstance
Feelings – inspired by your thoughts and what propel you into action
Actions – inspired by your feelings
Results – the combination of Thoughts, Feelings and Actions you are having right now, lead to your current results, if you want to CHANGE the results you are experiencing, you need to change the way you are thinking which will in turn change the way you are feeling which will directly impact your actions and give you different results.
Here is an example of how that works from when I was dating:
C – boyfriend dumped me for being too efficient (true story)
T – All men are awful.
F – disgust
A- retreat from dating
R- stay alone
C – SAME CIRCUMSTANCE
T – There is a man out there that will LOVE my efficiency.
F – excitement
A- continue dating
R – marry the love of my life- Love being married so much, I teach other people how do it better.
ANOTHER EXAMPLE
C- husband disagrees with how do something super important
T – he doesn’t respect me
F- anger
A- fight
R – disconnection, relationship distress
C- SAME circumstance
T- he is scared.
F- compassion
A- explain how I came up with this super important brilliant idea
R- more connection, more understanding, more loving
What do you do now that you know this?
First, look at what you are thinking, look at the results you have right now in your relationship – if your relationship feels awesome, great! If it doesn’t this is where you work lies.
Understanding the impact your thoughts and perspectives are having on your relationship.
Understanding how you might unconsciously be pushing your partner away.
Understanding that when you change how you are thinking and feeling and acting, their reactions change too.
Then starting to consider other options for ways you can look at their behaviour and your thoughts about their behavior.
And if you have been thinking the same way for over 30 years, this is not something that you are going to fix overnight – it’s going to take focus, it’s going to take practice, you are going to have to WORK, but it will be the best work of your life.
If you want help with this, I invite you to schedule a call with me now and let’s talk about what’s happening in your relationship and how coaching can help you make it thrive.
As you know I believe no one wants a motel marriage. You can have a 5 star thriving relationship, and you do not need to wait for anyone else to give it you. You can create it. I can show you how.
