Oprah just did a whole podcast episode on gray divorce. She brought in experts, had a live audience in New York City, and this made my heart sing.

First of all, to see Oprah talking about this is amazing. And I believe the more you understand this phenomenon of gray divorce right now—when you want to strengthen your marriage and get closer—the more you can make strategic choices to prevent it in your future.

Back in 2019, I created a podcast episode called Team vs. Alliance about the phenomenon of gray divorce. At that time, there really wasn’t much research about it. But now years have passed and there is research.

And the findings are striking.

The Gray Divorce Phenomenon: What the Research Shows

According to a study published in PubMed from Bowling Green State University, gray divorce (the phenomenon where people in their 50s and 60s and beyond are divorcing at a higher rate than any other age group) has literally tripled for people 65 and older since 1990. It jumped from 5% to 15% by 2022.

Researchers at the Institute for Family Studies found that almost 40% of the people getting divorced right now are 50 or older.

This is all happening even though overall divorce rates for the whole population have actually dropped to a 50-year low.

So what’s driving this?

The researchers at Bowling Green identified one key factor: increased longevity means people are living longer and they’re less willing to endure unhappy marriages for decades.

But unscientifically speaking (this is my personal opinion), people are not just living longer and less willing to endure unhappy marriages. 

Women are also making more of the money, participating in the workforce, and don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage in order to have financial security or social connections.

They have their own relationships, their own careers, their own money.

The type of marriage we live in now is very much by choice. Anything that is by necessity is falling away. And when it’s by choice, you have to make it good.

There has also been a shift, according to the researchers at Bowling Green, towards valuing personal fulfillment and happiness in marriage. 

If we look back to the history of marriage, it was purely an economic exercise. It was an economic transaction. 

Now it is an emotional experience. We prioritize personal fulfillment and happiness.

A psychology professor at Purdue talked about this and said older adults are realizing the toll a bad marriage is taking on their life and making moves to prioritize their well-being.

Now according to research published by CNBC, gray divorce has severe consequences, especially for women. Women’s standard of living is declining by up to 45% after gray divorce compared to 21% for men.

So a woman is often willing to give up a significant percentage of economic power in order to have peace and well-being in her life.

This is why understanding the difference between being a team versus being an alliance matters so much. 

When you understand how to cultivate team energy while you’re still invested in the relationship, you can make strategic choices now that strengthen your marriage for the long haul.

The Problem: Most Marriages Function as Alliances, Not Teams

Partnership is one of the three legs of what I call the relationship table: 

Perspective, Partnership, & Pleasure

(see ep 1 of my podcast for more on this here – https://maggiereyes.com/podcast/1/)

If one of those things is missing, the table falls down. So in order to have a strong marriage, you need a strong partnership.

But sometimes we forget that.

Let me explain the difference between a team and an alliance.

What is a team?

The simplest definition of a team is a group of people working together. The interesting thing about a team when you dig a little deeper is how we came to associate the word team with groups of people working together towards a common goal.

It actually came from animals harnessed to the same vehicle, working together to go in the same direction.

Think about a horse and carriage, where you have two horses. They’re harnessed to the same vehicle and they’re both working together to go in the same direction.

My favorite current definition of a team comes from businessdictionary.com and it’s a group of people with a full set of complementary skills required to complete a task or a job or a project. Team members operate with a high degree of interdependence. They share authority and responsibility for self management. They are accountable for the collective performance of the team and they work towards a common goal and shared rewards.

We can totally apply that to a marriage.

A team becomes more than just a collection of people when a strong sense of mutual commitment creates synergy, thus generating performance greater than the sum of the performance of its individual members.

If you think back to the horse and carriage example, two horses pulling the carriage together can pull more people in the carriage and probably go faster and be more efficient. It’s greater than the sum of its individual members.

What is an alliance?

An alliance is also a group of people working together, usually to advance common interests, but it has a different definition.

In Merriam Webster’s dictionary, an alliance is defined as an association to further the common interests of the members. To further the common interest of the members.

So what’s the difference between a team and an alliance that can really transform your marriage when you fully understand it?

In a team, we’re working towards a common goal. We’re pulling in the same direction. We’re going to the same place. We’re relying on each other to pull what we can to keep that marriage cart moving forward.

In an alliance, I am a country and you’re a country. We have priorities. Sometimes they merge. We negotiate treaties that give us benefits. Maybe dishes are washed, sexy times are planned. My priorities and your priorities occasionally merge, but we are each driving our own carts to our own locations.

The example I like to give is think about the LA Lakers winning championships. There is a team spirit. They find which team members’ strengths, which team members’ weaknesses they need to solve for. They help each other grow the strengths. They help each other solve for the weaknesses, and they go out and they win games together as a united front with one goal.

Now an alliance? Think about something like France and the UK.

France wants pens and pencils, and if they have a surplus of them, they’re happy to give some to the UK and sell them at a fair price and everybody agrees. Priorities merged, everybody’s happy.

But let’s say that France has a shortage of pens and pencils and no longer wants to sell them, so it’s no longer in their best interest, even though the UK still needs pens and pencils. Now that alliance dissolves when the priorities aren’t the same.

That alliance can dissolve when the priorities change, versus a team that works together always towards the same goal, always helping each other get there.

Why Teams Create More Happiness Than Alliances

Take a minute to think about the marriages you personally know. I bet it will take you less than a minute to categorize them as either teams or alliances. Which ones would you label a strong marriage? Which ones do you think are the happiest?

I don’t have any scientific basis for this hypothesis, but I’m seeing this happen in the people that I know and the people that I talk to: teams tend to be much happier than alliances.

The happiest marriages I personally know act as a team. They have a common goal. They’re in it to win it. They’re a team together.

The marriages that I know that work as alliances? They’re often okay. They might not be in dire straits. They get along. Things are fine. But they’re not five-star. That’s a two star or three star experience. Things are okay. They function. Clothes get washed, mortgages get paid.

But when you have a choice between being fine and being happy, between being two star or five-star, why not choose happy?

Teams tend to stay married, and when you stay married and that marriage is happy and thrives, there’s research showing you may live longer, be healthier during the time that you’re alive, make more money, and have better sex.

Literally so many good things.

When I think about gray divorce statistics—divorce rates going down for almost everyone except people in the U.S. who are 50 and over—my gut says it’s often because couples were working as alliances and not as teams. 

They wanted the kids raised and the mortgage paid and now that those goals are completed, they don’t have a strong shared reason to stay together. 

They were like two countries with a treaty, each with their own priorities and allied only when those priorities aligned.

Three Mindset Shifts to Transition from Alliance to Team

Think for a moment right now about the state of your relationship today. Are you working as a team or are you functioning more like an alliance?

There isn’t anything inherently wrong with either of those. There’s just the awareness of how you’re relating to each other and your level of satisfaction with how that is going.

Are you a team or are you an alliance, and do you like how that is working for you?

If you like how it’s working, good to go. Keep going, all is well.

If you’d like to explore transitioning from an alliance to a team, here’s where I invite you to start.

You start with your mindset about your marriage. Remember, the relationship table: perspective comes first. Perspective, partnership, and pleasure. You need all three things. So you start by thinking, then feeling, then doing. That really is how all of life works.

You think first, then you have a feeling about how you think (a good one or a bad one, doesn’t matter). Either one is going to propel you into action and then you act based on that feeling.

When we want to change what we’re doing, we can start by exploring what we are thinking.

Here are three mindset shifts for creating more team spirit in your marriage:

Mindset Shift #1: How are we already working as a team?

Look for evidence where your goals are already common goals and you’re already experiencing team spirit. It might be how you handle kids or your love of baseball or superheroes. Notice how it feels when you’re pulling that metaphorical cart together. Really savor that feeling and then ask yourself: where else can we work as a team?

The mindset behind that is: we already have what we need to be even closer, more connected, and feel even more loved and loving. If you’re working as a team in any area of your marriage, all you need to do is expand that to more areas of your marriage.

Mindset Shift #2: Do you have common goals? Have you shared your dreams? Do you regularly share them?

It is so easy to get stuck in the routine of day to day life and to forget to dream.

One of the reasons that one of the categories in The Questions For Couples Journal is goals and dreams is to remind you and your partner, no matter what’s happening around you right now, that we still get to have a vision for the future and then we can create that vision together.

Are you sharing your dreams and are you creating common goals as you move forward? Nothing makes a team come together faster than a nice juicy dream to pursue together. Whether it’s a dream vacation, whether it’s your dream house, whether it’s having a great adventure.

Can you start a conversation about dreams this week?

The mindset is: we can start where we are now. No matter how far we have to go, it’s possible to start and it can feel so good to share our hopes and wishes.

Mindset Shift #3: What does a team look like and feel like to me? How can I bring more of that into my marriage today?

It’s as simple as: whatever’s in front of you right now that you’re dealing with in your relationship, if you were a team acting together to solve that issue, what would that look like?

You do not have to embark on a huge production and announce to your husband, “Now we shall commence team protocols.” (Although that would be fun, and if you do, please tell me.)

You can simply decide what a team looks like and feels like to you and start thinking and feeling and acting more team-ly. (I don’t think that’s a word, but I thought it was fun, so we’re just going to call it team-ly.)

The mindset behind that is: I get to decide how I feel and what a team looks like in my life. I can take action to bring that feeling of team spirit to my day today and every day.

Your Turn: Make Your Marriage Stronger This Week

Really understanding the difference between a team and an alliance can transform how you see your relationship. I invite you to explore these mindsets and see what happens.

Don’t just read this blog post. Go out and experiment with it and notice what shifts.

If you’re going to be married, make it as awesome as you can make it.

Remember: teamwork makes the dream work. 😉

Listen to the Full Episode

Want to hear the complete conversation? Listen to this episode of The Marriage Life Coach Podcast:

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Work With Me Privately

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About Maggie Reyes

Maggie Reyes is a Master Certified Life Coach and feminist marriage coach for high-achieving women who want to strengthen marriages that feel stuck but not broken. She is the host of The Marriage Life Coach Podcast, ranked in the top 2% globally, where she teaches high-achieving women the practical relationship skills they were never taught in school.

Through individual marriage coaching for women, Maggie helps clients improve communication, reconnect emotionally, and create real change in their relationships — even if their partner isn’t interested in couples therapy or coaching. She is the author of the bestselling Questions for Couples Journal and creator of the Soul-Centered Communication framework.

Maggie’s work is rooted in feminist values. While she primarily works with women married to men — navigating the patriarchal programming (and deprogramming) that shapes those relationships — she has also supported women in same-sex marriages. The same kinds of communication patterns, emotional disconnection, conflict loops, and repair skills apply regardless of gender. Her work is inclusive of diverse identities and experiences.

Marriage coaching for women who want to feel connected, not just committed

If you love your husband but feel disconnected, stuck in the same arguments, or exhausted from carrying the emotional load of the relationship, you’re not alone — and your side of the table is where your power lives.

Maggie specializes in individual marriage coaching for high-achieving women who want to feel loved, respected, and deeply connected again. Whether you’re looking for communication tools, emotional clarity, or a new way forward in your marriage, you’ll find support here.

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✨ Transparency Note

This blog post was inspired by The Marriage Life Coach Podcast Episode 200, prepared by my team and helped by AI. IT REALLY TAKES A VILLAGE PEOPLE ;-).

Thank you for reading, it’s an honor to be part of your day.