This is Part 2 of our series on understanding divorce.

If you missed Part 1, we covered the three common mistakes women make when hiring an attorney, how to be a supportive friend to someone going through divorce, and why you should never use the word “divorce” until your bags are packed.

In this episode, we’re getting really practical and strategic with Lauren Fair—a divorce attorney with 16 years of experience AND a master certified life and divorce coach.

Why Understanding Your Options Matters

Here’s the thing: whether you’re actually going through a divorce OR you’re happily married and never want one, understanding how the process works is incredibly empowering.

Because knowledge is power.

I think as a society, we are woefully under-educated on how divorce actually works. The actual nuts and bolts of the process.

And that lack of education becomes one of the barriers to making empowered decisions when the time comes.

What Is an Exit Plan (And Why Every Woman Needs One)

The first thing I wanted to talk about with Lauren is what I call an exit plan.

And it’s literally what you would do if you were going to get divorced.

Here’s the reason I want to talk about it: There are times when I assign this for homework when someone has told me, “No, I’ve decided to stay. This is what I want.”

Great. What would you do if you had to leave? How would it work? What would all the things be?

Because there’s something about knowing what you would do that then frees you to be comfortable with then doing whatever it is that you’re going to do in order to stay.

So I think from a strategic point of view, whether you’re actually going through a divorce or whether you don’t even want to have a divorce, just knowing what choices you would make and how you would do things is so powerful.

Lauren said it perfectly: “I want women to be in a position where they do not feel trapped—trapped because they don’t have a plan, trapped because they don’t know how to get out of it. She knows how to get out of it and maybe she’s choosing to stay anyway.”

That’s the power of having an exit plan.

You’re not making decisions from a place of fear. You’re making them from a place of power.

I tell people I want you to have your eyes wide open all the time. Like any decision is welcome here. Whatever you want to do, I will support you in figuring it out. I want you to have your eyes open as you’re doing it.

Everything You Need in Marriage, You Also Need in Divorce

Here’s what fascinates me about this whole conversation:

Everything you need in your marriage you will also need in your divorce.

Conflict resolution skills. Emotional management. Strategic communication.

Lauren talked about the need for skill building in the divorce process. And I realized: This applies whether you’re staying or leaving.

These aren’t “divorce skills” or “marriage skills.” They’re life skills.

If you’re at the stage of wanting to work on your marriage, improve your marriage—or even if the marriage is done but you’re going to need to get through a difficult process and possibly co-parent—there’s a real need for skill building.

Skills that, unfortunately, we just don’t naturally develop. It’s not part of the education we get in our society.

Conflict resolution skills. Conflict management skills. Emotional management. Strategic communication.

Lauren put it this way: “The conflict itself is not the problem. It’s the way that we respond to the conflict that becomes the problem.”

Why Your First Call Shouldn’t Be to a Divorce Attorney

If you’re thinking about getting a divorce, you might think: “The first thing I have to do is talk to a divorce lawyer.”

But here’s what I learned from Lauren:

The first thing you need to do is talk to a divorce coach.

Not an attorney. A divorce coach.

Here’s why: A divorce coach is someone who can guide you through understanding your options and prepare you to work with an attorney strategically.

I am also adamant that if one of my clients is separating, they cannot do anything until they talk to a certified divorce financial planner (CDFP). That’s a whole other professional category that maybe didn’t exist 20 years ago—professionals trained not just in financial planning, but in all the nuances of what happens in a divorce.

Do not make these long-ranging, decades-impacting decisions without really understanding the nuances.

What Does a Divorce Coach Do?

Lauren explained it this way:

“I want to be a guide who is neutral to the outcome for my client. I am aligned with my client, but I am helping them get that early education that’s so important to allow them to approach the process from a confident, empowered way.”

A lot of the focus is on early education. Helping clients understand what their options are. Being a thought partner in thinking through what is the best option for them. Helping them make strategic decisions.

And helping them be the captain of their own ship in how they’re handling the divorce on a more holistic level.

A lot of the work Lauren does as a divorce coach is focused on the legal process—the steps in the process, how to get through the process, what the process entails.

Think about it like this: If you played baseball, the coach knows all the rules of the game and how to use those rules to your benefit to help you win.

A divorce coach knows the rules of the divorce process and they’re going to help you leverage those rules in the best possible way for the best outcome for you, for your family, for your values.

Imagine if you have never spoken to a mediator, never had to talk to a lawyer in your life about anything, and suddenly a lawyer tells you you should do these 57 things and they’re going to cost $57,000.

A coach is going to come in and say, “Hey, we could actually do seven of those things that are really important. And then we could see after those seven if we want to do the other 50.”

The Different Divorce Options Explained

This is where Lauren put her lawyer hat on and gave us Law Class 101.

There are several different ways to get divorced. And understanding your options is critical to making the best choice for your situation.

Option 1: Mediation

Mediation refers to a private process where you have a neutral third party facilitator (the mediator) who helps you and your partner communicate about what’s in dispute, generate options for how to solve it, and promote overall resolution.

The key thing to understand: The mediator does not give legal advice.

I think of the mediator like a referee. The mediator knows the law and can tell you “this is in the law or outside the law, you can do it or not”—but in a fair manner. But the referee cannot give you the strategy of how to win the game.

Why choose mediation:

First, control over the resolution. The mediator does not have decision-making power. They help you facilitate the process of getting to an agreement. But the only way the divorce gets done in mediation is if the two parties agree. You’re not delegating the resolution of these really important personal issues to a stranger in a black robe.

Second, reduced cost and timeline. It’s a faster process. You have a lot more control over what the cost of the process is.

Third, being in a mediated process forces you to talk through really difficult issues. This can help with building conflict resolution skills. And overall, this can minimize the impact of divorce on kids.

Lauren made this important point: “It is most often easier to move from a less court-involved process to a more court-involved process as needed, as opposed to coming out super aggressive, super court involved and then deciding, ‘Oh, I don’t really think this was what I thought’ and trying to walk it back.”

Can you have an attorney in mediation?

Yes. You can have attorneys in a limited scope capacity—where they’re just consulting for you in the background.

The most beneficial part of that is just helping you understand what your bottom line should be when negotiating. Because you want to know: If I don’t resolve it here, what am I likely to get if I went to court?

When is mediation not appropriate?

If there’s extreme domestic violence, mediation might not work. If there’s some domestic violence, it’s not necessarily a no in all circumstances—there can be ways of setting up mediation to protect someone who’s been a victim of abuse, but it usually looks different.

Sometimes it comes down to readiness. If you have somebody who’s in a totally different emotional place and just not willing to engage in the process, mediation is challenging.

Option 2: Collaborative Divorce

Collaborative divorce is a process where you each have an attorney, but the attorneys are collaboratively trained.

The major feature: If the process breaks down and you go to court, both attorneys have to withdraw. They can’t represent you in court.

This creates an incentive for everyone to work it out without going to court.

It can be more expensive sometimes because every time you’re involving another person, that’s another hourly rate. It’s meeting-based as opposed to letters and phone calls.

Option 3: Litigation

This is the traditional court-involved process. You have an attorney who represents you, and if you can’t settle, a judge makes the decisions.

Lauren’s point: Pretty much everywhere, before you get a trial date, the court is forcing some kind of settlement conference anyway. Courts don’t want all these cases going to trial.

So even if you opt for litigation, there’s still going to be a situation where you may end up in private mediation or a court-connected settlement conference.

Option 4: “Kitchen Table” Divorce

This is when you and your partner work it out yourselves with minimal professional involvement.

Lauren gave a great example: One of her clients wanted to do kitchen table divorce because she knew her partner wanted to do as little work as possible. So she thought: “If I can do the groundwork and set this up and walk him through this and make him understand what we need to do, we can get this done faster and cheaper.”

When kitchen table works:

• Both parties are relatively on the same page
• Straightforward situation
• You’re comfortable doing research and paperwork

Important: Even with kitchen table divorce, having some background support—a divorce coach or limited scope attorney consultation—helps make sure you’re not missing anything.

The Pattern Continues: How Your Partner Shows Up Matters

Lauren said something that really struck me:

“How they’ve been in the marriage is likely how they’re going to continue to be.”

If you have a very contentious, argumentative partner, they’re not going to suddenly become Mr. Peacemaker during divorce.

If they’ve always avoided conflict and don’t want to engage, that pattern will continue.

If they’re collaborative and willing to work through things, that’s your advantage in choosing a path like mediation or kitchen table.

This is why understanding your options matters. Because the path you choose needs to match the reality of who your partner is, not who you wish they would be.

Grief in Divorce (Even When It’s What You Wanted)

One thing we don’t talk about enough: grief in divorce.

And here’s what’s important to understand—there is grief involved even if you are the one who made the decision to divorce.

Lauren explained: “Sometimes friends or family will say, ‘Oh, why are you upset? This is what you wanted, right?’ And even if it’s what you wanted, that does not mean that you don’t have grief.”

There are different types of grief in divorce:

Primary grief: Grieving the relationship itself, the dream of what you thought it was going to look like, what you once had.

Secondary grief: Grieving the loss of financial stability, your primary residence, family relationships (maybe in-laws you really liked), mutual friends, traditions.

It’s multiple losses at once. A compound type of grief.

Lauren and I both trained with Krista St. Germain in advanced grief work. One thing that’s important to know: We as a society think grief is a linear five-stage process. That theory has actually been debunked in the grief world for many years, but it’s still popularized in our culture.

There’s not a straight line. There’s not a defined timeline. There’s not a right way to grieve.

Just be patient with yourself and compassionate in going through it.

You Need a Village

I’m 52 now, and I’ve never seen so many doctors. I have a whole team of doctors. I have a liver doctor, I have the ortho, I have my primary. And there’s just a stage in life when I was 12, I did not need eight different doctors. But now I don’t even know the number, but it’s quite a large group of people at this point that I’ve seen for a lot of different things.

And it’s like if you’re going through a divorce, it takes a village. Just because we don’t have a village doesn’t mean it doesn’t take a village.

One of my friends Lacey Sites says, you sometimes you gotta pay for the village because we don’t have it anymore. So now we have to go out and find it in the world.

You need:

• A divorce coach
• A divorce attorney (in some capacity—full scope or limited scope)
• A certified divorce financial planner
• A therapist or life coach for emotional support
• Friends and family who can hold space

You wouldn’t try to fix a complex medical issue by yourself. Don’t try to navigate divorce alone.

A Quick Note on Safety

The guidance we’re sharing here is designed for relationships where collaborative decision-making is possible, even if things feel difficult right now.

If you’re experiencing patterns of control, manipulation, or situations that feel unsafe, please reach out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in those dynamics. You deserve support that matches what you’re navigating.

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Connect with Lauren Fair

Lauren Fair is a divorce attorney with 16 years of experience in family law and a master certified life and divorce coach. She helps people have what she calls “sensible divorces.”

Visit her website: https://faircadora.com/sensiblesplit/ 

Follow her on Instagram: @sensiblesplitdivorce

Listen to her podcast: The Sensible Split 

Listen to Part 1 here

In Part 1 of this series, Lauren and I covered the three common mistakes women make when hiring an attorney, how to be a supportive friend, and why you should never use the word “divorce” until your bags are packed.

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Join the Growth Gap Workshop (FREE)

If you’re navigating any kind of relationship challenge and want support, I invite you to join my free Growth Gap Workshop. I teach you how to bridge the gap when you and your husband are growing at different speeds—and these principles apply to all aspects of your relationship.

Get access to the workshop for free here

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Work With Me Privately

If you’re a woman in a marriage that’s safe but stuck, mostly good but not nourishing, private coaching might be perfect for you. I work with women who have already decided to stay and want to close the gap between where their marriage is and where they know it can be.

Learn more about private coaching here.

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About Maggie Reyes

Maggie Reyes is a Master Certified Life Coach and feminist marriage coach for high-achieving women who want to strengthen marriages that feel stuck but not broken. She is the host of The Marriage Life Coach Podcast, ranked in the top 2% globally, where she teaches high-achieving women the practical relationship skills they were never taught in school.

Through individual marriage coaching for women, Maggie helps clients improve communication, reconnect emotionally, and create real change in their relationships — even if their partner isn’t interested in couples therapy or coaching. She is the author of the bestselling Questions for Couples Journal and creator of the Soul-Centered Communication framework.

Maggie’s work is rooted in feminist values. While she primarily works with women married to men — navigating the patriarchal programming (and deprogramming) that shapes those relationships — she has also supported women in same-sex marriages. The same kinds of communication patterns, emotional disconnection, conflict loops, and repair skills apply regardless of gender. Her work is inclusive of diverse identities and experiences.

Marriage coaching for women who want to feel connected, not just committed

If you love your husband but feel disconnected, stuck in the same arguments, or exhausted from carrying the emotional load of the relationship, you’re not alone — and your side of the table is where your power lives.

Maggie specializes in individual marriage coaching for high-achieving women who want to feel loved, respected, and deeply connected again. Whether you’re looking for communication tools, emotional clarity, or a new way forward in your marriage, you’ll find support here.

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✨ Transparency Note

This blog post was inspired by The Marriage Life Coach Podcast episode, prepared by my team and helped by AI. IT REALLY TAKES A VILLAGE PEOPLE ;-).

Thank you for reading, it’s an honor to be part of your day.