Ep 198 – The Anger Scale – How to Stop Treating Every Frustration Like a Crisis
If you feel like you’re exhausted and angry all the time, you’re probably treating every frustration like a crisis.
Here’s what I see constantly in my coaching practice: Women treating dirty socks on the floor the SAME as their husband forgetting to pay the electric bill and getting the power shut off.
Same level of anger. Same intensity of reaction. Everything feels equally urgent.
Sound familiar?
The Problem: We Treat Anger Like an On/Off Switch
Here’s what nobody teaches you about anger in marriage: We treat it like a light switch. Either you’re angry or you’re not.
But anger isn’t binary – it’s a spectrum.
And when we don’t understand that, we end up walking around exhausted, resentful, and angry about EVERYTHING. The messy bathroom. The forgotten errand. The way he loads the dishwasher. The unpaid bill that got your service shut off.
All. The. Same.
My Bank Manager Story (AKA The Cuban-ity Gets Unleashed)
Let me tell you about the time I completely lost it at my local bank.
I’m not proud of this story, but I’m sharing it because it perfectly illustrates what happens when we don’t manage our anger intentionally.
I was trying to update my business records. The bank manager was incredibly rude – not just unhelpful, but dismissive in a way that made everything 10 times worse. And instead of taking a breath, I walked out of the bank, turned around, walked BACK IN, and very loudly (for all to hear) told him exactly how I felt about his customer service.
The Cuban-ity was unleashed. 🔥
You know what? I didn’t feel better afterward. At all.
Because here’s what I learned: Fully processing an emotion is about ME, not the other person. And yelling at people – even legitimately rude people – doesn’t actually solve the problem.
That experience reinforced something I already teach my clients: We need better tools for managing anger.
The Solution: The Anger Scale
Enter The Anger Scale – the tool I wish I’d used before I walked back into that bank.
Here’s how it works:
Rate your anger from 1 to 10:
- 1 is neutral
- 2-4 is mildly annoyed
- 5-7 is upset
- 8-10 is ANGRY
Here’s the game-changer: Decide ahead of time at what number you’ll take action.
For me? I don’t address anything below a 7.
How This Works in Real Life
Let me give you some examples:
- Towels are a mess in the bathroom? That’s a 5 for me. I let it go.
- Kitchen’s a disaster and I’m seeing red? That’s a 9. I wait 15 minutes to let my nervous system calm down, THEN I address it.
- Those dirty socks on the floor? A 3. Annoying but not worth my energy.
- The unpaid electric bill that shut off the power? That’s a 10. THAT gets addressed immediately.
See the difference?
Why This Tool Changes Everything
When you start using The Anger Scale, three things happen:
- You stop being angry all the time. Because you’re not reacting to every minor annoyance as if it’s a crisis.
- You stop exploding when something actually matters. Because you’ve been saving your energy for the things that truly need to be addressed.
- You get to choose what’s worth your energy. This is the most powerful part – you’re in control.
The 15-Minute Rule
Here’s an important piece: If your anger really IS an 8, 9, or 10, wait 15 minutes before taking action.
Why? Because when you’re in a stress cycle (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), your body floods with chemicals that literally take about 15 minutes to process. Your prefrontal cortex – the thinking part of your brain – goes offline.
So engage in a self-soothing practice: take deep breaths, go for a walk, watch a funny video, anything that helps you calm down in a safe and healthy way.
Then, after 15 minutes, check in: Is the issue still at the same number? Does it still require action?
Sometimes it will be. Sometimes it won’t.
But either way, you’ll be addressing it from a calm, grounded place instead of from a place of reactivity.
Questions for Deeper Reflection
If you want to go even deeper with this tool, ask yourself:
- Why did this feel so upsetting? Dump all your thoughts on paper.
- Why did I give it the number I gave it?
- What can I do in the future to manage this without getting upset? (How can I set myself up for success?)
- What kind of person would not be bothered by this at all? Can I practice being that kind of person? (Someone who is relaxed, forgiving, patient, etc.)
- What is my most immediate next step?
Your Turn: Set Your Thresholds
Here’s your homework: Decide right now what YOUR thresholds are.
- What’s your “I will take action” number? (Mine is 7)
- What’s your “I will let this go” number? (For me, anything 6 and under)
- Write them down. Remember them. Start using them today.
Because when you stop treating every frustration like a crisis, you stop being exhausted and angry all the time.
And you can actually start enjoying your marriage again.
Listen to the Full Episode
In the podcast episode, I go even deeper into:
- The real story of what happened at the bank (all the details!)
- How to practice receiving (because Type A women often struggle with this)
- The cultural conditioning that makes us afraid of “wrong” decisions
- Why anger is an emotion just like any other – not something to be ashamed of
💬 Feeling Like You’re Growing While Your Partner Stands Still?
If this post hit close to home—if you’ve ever felt like you’re growing, expanding, and doing the inner work… while your partner just isn’t on the same path—then The Growth Gap workshop is for you.
It’s a free, on-demand training designed to help high-achieving women communicate their growth without triggering resistance, create connection without over-functioning, and explore what’s really possible in their relationship—without waiting for their partner to “get it.”
You’ll learn:
- Why the Growth Gap happens (and why it’s so common with Type A women married to Type B men)
- How to communicate about your growth without creating distance
- The difference between “growing apart” and “growing at different paces”
- What becomes possible when even ONE person in the relationship changes
➡️ Watch the free Growth Gap workshop now
💖 Want More Tools Like This?
The Anger Scale is just ONE tool from my coaching toolbox.
If you want personalized support to:
- Navigate communication challenges in your marriage
- Stop over-functioning and start creating real partnership
- Build more clarity, power, and love inside AND outside your marriage
- Finally feel like you’re not doing this alone
Private Coaching with Maggie Reyes might be exactly what you need.
I specialize in coaching Type A women married to Type B men who are in relationships that are stuck but safe – where you’re not in danger, but you’re not fulfilled either.
➡️ Learn more about Private Coaching here
Want ALL My Best Tools?
If you loved The Anger Scale and want more practical, powerful tools you can use right away, check out Marriage Mindset Makeover – my self-study program packed with frameworks, scripts, and strategies to help you create the marriage you actually want.
➡️ Get Marriage Mindset Makeover at MaggieReyes.com/Makeover
✨ Transparency Note
This blog post was lovingly crafted with support from my AI writing partner—because even coaches need a strategic thinking buddy! All coaching insights and stories are my own.